Newly diagnosed, need some support

It's not a new idea for me; my therapist has asked me more than once (after I started taking medication for depression) whether I thought I was manic. I have a history of getting really "up" when I'm on newly on antidepressants--having lots of energy, making commitments to a lot of projects I have trouble following through, etc. But it was only after a consult with a psychiatric professional that it finally began to sink in that maybe what I'm really dealing with is bipolar II.

I've had trouble getting my head around this because I'm a pretty high-functioning person. I can hold a job--and do really well at it, judging by performance evaluations and the like--but it's the less obvious things that are a train wreck. I've got probably half a dozen novels in various stages of completion from 10 pages of a first draft to 150 pages of manuscript, that just never go anywhere. I've had lots of great ideas that never get off the ground because I "lose motivation" or "get bored with them." I've got lots of things I'd love to complete, but I never manage to finish them.

When I got the word from the psychiatric pro, after spending a long time recounting my history, etc., that she felt my symptoms were more suggestive of Bipolar II than of unipolar depression, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. But honestly, I think she may be right. The walls of denial are hard to maintain when your highly trusted psychotherapist, who you've been seeing for 7 years, has mentioned the possibility more than once...and then a psych pro says the same thing after a long recounting of history.

So, where am I at now? Hard to say. I'm in a place where I'm starting to accept that Bipolar II may be an accurate assessment (I just turned 39, and this wasn't exactly the birthday present I'd hoped for), but my immediate family is not the least bit supportive of anything related to mental illness. I'm the first person in my family who's treated my mental health issues with therapy and medication rather than, say,a constant and almost toxic dose of alcohol and street drugs.

Also, I'm finding it hard to validate myself as having this illness because I've been so high-functioning throughout my adult life (in spite of major depressive episodes beginning when I was approximately 4 years old).

I guess what I'd like to know is....is there anyone out there who's managed to function well in spite of their illness, whether it's improperly diagnosed or entirely undiagnosed?

Also, I'd like to hear from anyone out there in the creative professions (writers, artists, crafters, etc.) about how their treatment for bipolar helped (or hurt) their creativity. I'm a writer, and I know on a logical level that if I were able to maintain a consistent level of output, I'd be better for it; but I'm terrified of becoming a zombie if I go on mood stabilizers and the like.

I'm sorry if this is semi-coherent; I'll confess I've been self-medicating with a glass or two of wine on an empty stomach (something I don't do when I'm feeling "normal").

Anyway...thanks for any input anyone has. Even a hug would be helpful because I'm feeling really alone right now.

My creative effort has blossomed beyond my wildest dreams since I got sober (2002) and learned to manage my bipolar disease.

Self medication and fleeting notions of self-help kept me imprisoned in the problem. Recovery has set me free in the solution.

I am diagnosed with bipolar and addiction--dual diagnosed. The irony of my dual diagnosis is that recovery from alcoholism/addiction seems to have given me "a leg up" on managing my bipolar disease.

Thanks for your post.

Please keep coming back, please visit the Dual Diagnosis Forum.

Regards,

Jim

In regards to the book and creativity I have been trying to write my story since high school. No telling how many drafts I have started. I have always been a creative person and now really have to accept and limit the creativity to proportions I can handle.

Welcome to the site.

I was a high functioning peron with bipolar in my twenties. I held jobs for a few years at a time. It was in the last 5 yrs that my symptoms got worse. I eventually, due to lack of meds, hit a bad phase, where, I just lost it. I found my bipolar got really bad through the last few years. I also feel that whether, we are alcaholic, or not, self medicating just makes it all worse. I also, can't get better by myself. Thanks, Gypsy

I've been a high functioning bipolar for many years. At first we only medicated the depression. When that was done, I was running on mania. I got a lot done and the longer I was left without the mood stabilizer the less I finished. I am a university student attempting to complete dual majors in art and English. From all the years of self-abuse, that is running at full tilt, I wore out my brain. The toll is that I have short term memory loss and I cannot always finish a sentence. I am a whiz at writing and am quite eloquent when I have my mind working properly. The medication has brought me back and I am more capable of being creative and not distracted. As the condition progresses without intervention, the condition worsens. Getting the natural chemicals your brain needs to function properly is the only way to help yourself before it is too late to reverse the damage mania can do to your career and art.

I send hope to you because I know first hand that there hope for a finely functioning mind. I'm coming back right now on Lamictal and Trazadone.

God Bless you on your journey of self-awareness and hope!

Msbimbo

I worry about the possible long-term consequences--in terms of maybe getting to the full-blown manic episode, or in terms of my depression getting so bad that I can't cope with it at all. This is what's bringing me to the conclusion that I've got to treat this whole illness, not just the depression.

Thanks for your support. Blessings to you, too.

I think the stability of a routine has been helpful to me, too. I've always made a point of having a routine, even before I was diagnosed, because it felt like an important thing to do.

For the first time in my life, I told my employer that "I was having a flare-up of a chronic illness" this summer (when I went through my last depression) and that I needed a little extra support because I wasn't at my best. I'm grateful to have an employer who was really cool about it.

Thank you for your feedback.