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09/24/2009 12:25 PM

I think my fiance is Bipolar

Posts: 14
New Member

Hi I'm not sure if I'm on the right forum but I think my fiance is bipolar.

I've been looking on the site to try & find out some more information.


09/24/2009 12:58 PM
Posts: 340

The diagnostic criteria for mood disorders is here:

What does your fiance think?

09/24/2009 03:02 PM
Posts: 14
New Member

Well in his words not mine, he thinks he's nuts!!!

I'll try & give you some back ground. It's a long story. Dave & I have a long distance relationship. We met online about 2 1/2 years ago. He's in NZ & I'm in the UK. He was trying to talk to people from his homeland which is Wales. We got on so well we'd talk on the phone for up to 3 hours a night & an hour in the morning. He wanted me to go visit but I have a daughter from my previous marriage (I'm divorced) so he said he would come to UK. After 7 months he arrived for xmas. I met his family & some old friends who live not far away. He came to my work xmas party. After 5 weeks he returned to NZ. After he gone to the departure long he phoned me & said he loved me & wanted us to be together would I marry him & I said yes!! He came back in March to get engaged, buy & ring & escorted myself & daughter on the flight to NZ. A few days before we were due to leave his mood changed, he was irratable & withdrawn & uninterested in making love, prior to this he'd been really hyper, talking really fast, jumping around in the bedroom in the morning like he was on something. He'd been very passionate & loving but it had all change. The day before the flight he burst out that he didn't have our tickets, he'd paid the deposit but didn't have enough money for the balance as he'd spent it on my ring. I'd rather have gone with out a ring if I'd know but he'd always made out that when we moved to NZ he earnt enough to support me (I've always worked). He went back alone my daughter was embarrassed at school & I was at work, but we forgave him.

He came back in the end of June that year to spend 12 months with us so that we could qualify for our Permenant Residence requirement. He was going to return to his new role at work the following October. Again in the beginning he's all hyper & very sexually, funny, loving. Two months in he was so stressed out because the temporary job fell through & he didn't just want to take any job. His mood goes down again. Then his best friend Gary in NZ has a heart attack (he was looking after his house & dog for Dave whilst he was in UK. He rushes back to NZ.

He starts his new job early, but from the word go I could tell he wasn't happy & he kept wanting me to make decisions to move back to his old job. I supported him but said it had to be his decision but to maybe give it a little more time.

We change plans & arrange for my daughter & I to move to NZ, but not before we've visited first. I get my Ex approval to move with our daughter to NZ. Dave has to take a medical to remortgage. He returned last xmas. Again he's all hyper but then after the New Year he changes again, but this time it was diffenrent he just totally went balistic (really frightened me & my daughter (totally out of character) the he just kept beating himself up saying what a bad person he was etc... A day before his flight he finishes with me saying he didn't want a family etc. We talked & I found out he'd been in contact with he's old first girlfriend from Wales & told her he was going to dump me. He then broke down I told me he had stomach cancer. Which the Dr had suggested at the medical. But he'd been too scared to go for the biopsy. But he did want us to move to NZ because he didn't want me to watch him die.

After he returned I kept talking to him & persuaded him to have a biopsy. The specialist said it was a calcium cyst. After this he started seeing a stress counsellor.

Work was turning bad, he was so stressed out. We were due to fly to NZ in Feb but he'd only made & enquiry on the tickets. We tried April the airline made a error, long phone calls etc. We try for May Bank Holiday & his employers want to send him to Australia. It just seemed one thing after another. I wasn't sure whether it was true or just some cruel lies. He said he'd put in for a transfer but it would take 4 months. I'd had enough by now because he said he was too stressed for us to come over, so I ended the relationship.

A month later I find that he's been in an accident at work, a flashover & has been burnt on his shoulder blade. They said he try to burn himself & his colleagues. He says no, that it was an accident, he'd got them all out first then himself. The stress counsellor says that there are no signs he'd self-harm but he was very stressed with all that had been happening.

Dave's now on stress leave. He came back to UK for 5 weeks end of July/August. To discuss taking a package from his job & moving to the UK with us. Again in the beginning he's all hyper but he's not mentioned the move so I ask him & he gets all upset & tells me he can't do it, he's no good, he's a bad person wanting me to decided for him what to do. In the end I had to suggest he go to his mum's for the rest of his stay for my own peace of mind. He packed & then started crying & sobbing saying how much he loved me, so we agreed he would spend the night at his mums but he came home that evening the rest of the time was pretty good in the daytime but at night although he cuddle me that was all. I knew something was wrong but he left saying that he would be back soon once he sorted his work package out, rented his house etc.

This is where it all goes wrong. He gave me his old laptop I was checking my sent messages to see where I'd gone wrong with an email address & saw 3 emails he'd sent before he'd arrived. Two to the car hire company & one to an unknown women telling her his dates in the uk & would she liked to meet for a coffee. He said it was an old schoolfriend sister.

The other day I updated my windows live & noticed he changed his pic on his profile. When I clicked on it he'd joined a womens network & his status was single. When I asked him why he said he'd never change his profile(this is a lie). Didn't know the woman etc but he got defensive & tried to turn it all on me. This made me suspicious because of his reaction. I'd never checked up on him in all are relationship, I'd always trusted him. But I did a bad thing & checked his emails. I found emails to different women & videos with sexual content he'd sent to one on 11th Sept. Some of the emails were to women whilst he was here with me. At first he tried to pretend he didn't know, but he'd changed his password so I couldn't get on. I told him I found things & I only though it was 2 or 3 but he says it's about 6 women. He says he's not met them but some of the emails imply he has. He's still lying. I broke off the engagement. The next day he tells me he's on his way to an emergency meeting with his stress counsellor. He's been going for years, he's been chatting to women etc for years, but I'm the real one & they are all the fantasy women. He says the counsellor thinks he's bipolar & something else but he's not been diagnosed yet. He's been given medication before but it made him feel blah, like a zombie so he came off it. I knew his mum had spent periods in the local mental hospital when he was a child. He's just txt me to say he's going in for his next appt at the clinic. I've read some about bipolar & appart from him not trying to commit suicide the other symptoms fit him.

Sorry it's so long.

09/24/2009 04:15 PM
Posts: 7033
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

It definitely sounds like he has mental problems of some sort. It very well could be bipolar, but we're not qualified to diagnose anyone. I recommend that you research about bipolar disorder. There are many articles online to read. Good luck and best wishes.

09/24/2009 04:32 PM
Posts: 42705
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Your relationship sounds very convoluted and tenuous at best. Lisa is correct, he apparently has some mental problem, but we cannot say. It's for a professional to diagnose, such as a psychiatrist to be specific. If I were in your shoes, I'd be leery of continuing the relationship without his being diagnosed and treated. He sounds very unstable. I hope whatever you decide it works out for the best.

09/24/2009 07:07 PM
bagofcandyPosts: 1259
Senior Member

I think I have to agree with uppitywoman.... I think it's in your best interest to break it off with this man.

Alot of the things you list I think I could ignore....but the fact that he tried to burn himself and potentially his colleagues is a blaring red flag in my book...while he says it was accidental the fact that others said it wasn't is alarming. He sounds like he is on the absolute edge of a complete breakdown...and it is up to you right now to protect yourself and your daughter.

I think it will be sometime before he's able to be in a relationship...and you should know before continuing it, if that's what you decide to do, that he's going to be 100% committed to taking meds...sometimes some of us start them with the best intentions but discontinue them for reasons that seem perfectly reasonable to us but ludicrous to others.

Anyway, if I were you I'd end it, and that's not something I say to everyone who posts here with similar problems. I wish you the best of luck.

09/25/2009 02:14 AM
Posts: 14
New Member

Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate the advise:

I've spoken to him this morning & he says he's got to go for tests, so that they can see if it's chemical. He's also got to go for a psych evaluation before they start him on meds. He told the doctor about his past experience with meds & he was told that there is a vast improvement in the type available today.

He's not very keen on taking tablets but I told him he needed to listen to the doctor & if taking tablets indefinitely meant that he could have a better life, he needed to try it, but it had to be his decision.

I just like to say, since the accident he's spoken to some of his colleagues & they have all said that they never believed he'd done anything to put them in danger. That they'd been pressured by his bosses to blame him for the accident, because he was the second person to request a transfer from the training department & it was becoming an embarrassment.

He's been in he fireservice for 15years, he's also a qualified trainer who trains the army & police (they request him). He's been part of the Red Cross & took part in the Tsunami rescues.

Even whilst he was here they were contacting him to help them, I was there when he got the emails & calls. He's supposed to be on stress leave & they are pestering him to help them. The problem is he doesn't like to say no so they take advantage. He decide to move permanently into training because he thought it would be Mon to Fri better for us as a family instead of shiftwork on the trucks. But once he'd started it officially he was working nearly 7 days a week. He have a day off, he'd get called back in to cover the other trainer because he was having 'emotional' problems. His boss was running him into the ground.

I've told him I'll be hear if he wants talk & I'll support him, but he needs to get help.

I still love him, but I have to put my daughter first. I'd already told him we were staying in the UK because she needed stability & that he had to get on with his life over there.

I don't want to just abandon him because he's been good to us. But I'm not going to pick up where we left off.


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