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My husband is worse now than in the past 22 years. At this point I am distancing myself emotionally (but still trying intellectually) to figure out what is going on. I think there is something of a pattern over the years, ex: Manic in March , depressed Nov. etc. etc. I have discovered this by 1. remembering past events and what he was like when those events happened and 2. Looking over his bank transactions. WOW the manic months he spent SO much money on alcohol purchases, and junk (electronics and collectibles we DON'T need and don't have any more room for.) There appears to be consistency. I wish he would recognize he has these issues and follow the doctors orders. I am not sure why he won't try the medication the previous dr. wanted him to try. Maybe he read scary side effects in a magazine, or saw TV commercial for something. I hate how they say the laundry list of awful side effects at the end of commercials. Once we were watching TV & he turned to me & said, those side effects from the medicine are way worse than ... whatever that drug company was advertizing for. Anyway, I love my husband too, and I also love our 13 yr old daughter , who is getting way too old to pretend (Daddy is just a little mad about something) when he is having one of his raging episodes. She also is very confused & upset when he has one of his overly silly & giggle / perky/ high as a kite the world is his oyster episodes. She confronts him... "that's not even funny, why are you laughing SO MUCH!!!???" & then he can flick like a switch & go into Nasty Mode. I just can't help it. I think because he also drinks, combined with the utter denial there is any problem, my compassion has eroded away to nothing. I still love him (the him I married) But every episode he has had over the years has been like a chisel that has just chopped a hunk out of our foundation of trust/love/togetherness. I feel like there is hardly anything left but a few crumbs. Anyway, he has been saying he is moving out since end of Sept but has not. He even took time off from work to go apartment hunting. He has flipped out so bad I had to call the police in Oct. I did not have him removed because he calmed down & he had an appt with a new pdoc. He then said couple days before the appt he wasn't going to go. I am so tired and so sad for my daughter. I asked her if she was going to be alright about him moving out..She said she already feels like he doesn't even live here and he is always drunk & on the computer or TV. How sad..this illness has turned my husband into an idiot who is going to lose everything he used to hold so precious. Sorry to be negative, but that is how it is at my house lately. Just venting. |
