I just need some encouraging words! Tori and I did not work out and finally broke up for good. I have wrote on here before how we are trying to work things out and better ourselves.

For two years she was the one who let her two year old son, Jase, call me "MOMMY" . Now she is sorry that she got my hopes up and let me feel for him that way. How wrong is that? Now what the hell will she tell him since I haven't seen him or his older 6 year old brother james, for a couple of weeks and we go out on an outting which I pay for all of us to go and she has the nerve to tell me this now, that she is sorry but she needs to really find herself and stop involving herself with me in emails and .... I don't get it, we only went on an outting one day for 3 hours in like 2 months. ...

This email came from her :

You know I really have some soul searching to do, i dont know what was wrong the other day, but I do think u are right. I thought everything would be the same and it wasnt, i am not the only one that has to make a move and u didnt make one u just gripped b/c i didnt, I am in a lost place right now april and i have yet to work on me, and not be so involved in u. call me selfish and I am sorry, I really never want to hurt u, I really thought that everything was fine, and now im not so sure, It felt so different the other day like I was just with a friend, and u were always more to me than that, I find myself waking up everyday to check the email to see if u have wrote yet, when i should be out looking for a job to better myself, and i feel like i just dont know how to better myself, so i really need this time April to be with me, to find me, to know me again, i know when u read this u are gonna explode and hate on me and i honestly always expect that when i tell u what u dont want to hear and this is something that i can't have hanging over my head, not knowing what is right,wrong, ok not ok to say to u b/c i dont know what ur reaction will always be. I am truly sorry and I will always hold u in my heart and im sorry if u now feel like u wasted 2 yrs of ur life on me, and im sorry that i got ur hopes up and made u feel all those things for jase, but remember u control ur mind and heart not me, u are a smart woman, and u know the outcome of life too, so plz dont lay all the blame on me for that situation. I made mistakes and maybye im making one now, but i wont ever know that until i know who i am and right now i dont.

This email came After I wrote her an email and poem w/ecard concerning the situation of feeling her being distant on our outting yesterday. I felt like she just wasn't there with me and she was feeling IN LOVE with me last weekend and on the phone before we went out and blah blah blah... bullsh**! I don't understand, because was she using me because she kept saying she wanted to get out of the house?

What would checking emails have to do with her getting out and getting a job? She and I will never work and I tried to break it off with her when I was in the hospital a few weeks back for my illness, and I was accepting. Then she calls me and cries. Then we decide to be just friends a couple weeks later and then by this week she and I decide we still want to be together for life and we send loving ecards to eachother and now THIS! I am so confused and hurt its not even funny. She is just playing with my head!

THIS IS MY EMAIL TO HER AFTER :

you are absolutely right but now I do know I was being used yesterday. I need to find time to get mystuff atleast, that is the least you can do. Getting a job and having time for you has nothing to do with being with me for one day and having love for someone but if that is your excuse and I don't hate you for anything. I just want to move on and Im telling you now, we will never be together again. I need to just move on and you need to stop playing with my head. I also know I need to make lots of changes for MYSELF and not worry about YOU either. Don't ask me for me back later, because it won't happen. This is better for us, and Poor jase and james need to forget about me and I need to forget about them and I really just need to get my stuff because I don't need the threats. Im also going to the office as soon as possible to get my food card so it better not be on your card this coming month because I don't want you to get into trouble. Im not trying to be mean, Im just saying this because I don't want you to get into trouble. You are also right , I don't even think we could be just friends either. I don't want to see the kids ever again, I am sorry but you have hurt me about Jase. You lied about him when you knew deep inside your heart how YOU WOULD REACT to things when I asked over and over. It wasn't just my OCD WAS IT! ? And you know this. I need to go, no more emails. I will have my mother call and arrange with you on getting my stuff out of storage which I hope you do in an adult manner. After I get my stuff I intend on never seeing you again. You are sorry, so am I.DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?

PLease feel free to comment because I need the encouragement to just move on.

Now I am wondering if I am doing the right thing in even staying in this marriage, at 59 y.o. he hasn't grown up. He can't hold a job, his priorities are totally out of line, he won't get off his butt and do things here at the house without me going off on him.

Along with physical disabilities I know that he has mental ones as well, while not bipolar I believe, their there none the less, he is currently in Anger Management classes, at my insistance, and I am doing my very best to get his butt into therapy over at mental health or the VA, cause there are demon's in his past that he has yet to get rid of, he still holds a grudge against his dad, from when he was 7 y.o. and I believe he can't grow into the man he was intended to be until he does move beyond his demons.

I've got my therapist, Mother, brothers and just about everyone else telling me to get the hell out of this relationship. Mom and the brothers are willing to go into debt to buy him a plane ticket back to his Sister in California. This is my 4th and final marriage, I want it to work, but I don't really know if it is going too, he was a major contributing factor in my last suicide attempt, the stress from dealing with him not keeping a job, not helping etc. Even when I took the overdose, he didn't get off his butt to do anything, I truly feel that he would have just sat in his chair and let me die, it was my brother who called the police to come and do a wellness check on me, (here in Mayberry, they still do that kinda thing,lol ) They came, I admitted I had taken the pills in a overdose attempt, and they called a ambulance and hauled my butt off to the hospital and my PC Doc signed me into the mental hospital with a involuntry commitment.

Something that I figured out along the way to sobriety is that until you know and love yourself you can't expect to share that with anyone else. Good luck to you and I hope that the path to knowing and healing yourself is a smooth one.

Carmen

I do feel for you. It's really hard when we invest so much time with people, and they aren't ready to commit to us. My last boyfriend did that, too. We have 3 kids, together, and he up and decided to leave me and the kids, and never talk to or contact his kids, at all for the last 5yrs. I also have had to move on from people who weren't right for me. But, I think it's better, not to involve the kids anymore unless you are serious about the relationship. I have a relationship, now, that I had doubts about, too. I relate to your situation, because, I had to back off, and get my space from my boyfriend,while I got into therapy, and got on meds, and worked on getting to know myself. He had to do the same thing before, too. I blamed my bipolar on his issues, and once he got help, I realized, something wasn't right. He had worked, on his issues, and wasn't acting on them anymore. I then had to look at me. Thats when,I got help for my behavior. That's how, I new, I was bipolar. We are both committed to eachother, and have been through alot of healthy, and unhealthy stuff.

Alot of relationships don't workout because of some of the issues that are unresolved in our lives. But if both people are willing to do the work, than it might. But, I can't do all the work myself. I can't make anyone want to change. It's too much work. All I can do is work on me, and if they can't deal with that, that's their problem. I told my current boyfriend that.

I was going to be healthy, and put, me and my kids first no matter what he thought, or did.

If he didn't like it, He could move on. This is the first relationship, that, I have used all my tools in.

I have said no to alot, and dealt with my codependancy

issues. I have gotten help anyway, inspite of his issues. I have confronted him on his parenting issues, his money issues, and anyother issue, that wasn't healthy. Luckly he dealt with them, or we wouldn't still be toghether.

Every relationship, is a learning experience. No relationship is perfect. But, I think you did the right thing. If you are not sure, don't keep it going. If she isn't ready, than it isn't right. Also, maybe it is a good time to take time to get healthy, and stable in your recovery from your bipolar, and then try to find someone in the future who does understand, and has done their own work on themselves. I had to do that after my ex left me. I was pretty angry and dissapointed, and decided to stay out of any serious relationships, for along time. But, I eventually learned from it.

I tried to take care of him, and raise him, and make him want something he wasn't mature enough for, and he ended up running from me, and my bipolar disorder.

So, thats what we get to do is accept it, learn from it, and move on. God has better plans for us, sometimes.

So, anyway, I hope this helps, God bless,Gypsy

Take Care and I hope things work for the better for you. Im trying to learn to live and to breath!

April

I am not a person who can hold down a job as well. Tori never could either. We would just live off what we could and try and get jobs but she has this socail anxiety thing and I had what I had and we couldn't hold down a job in the last 2 and a half years.But I know I will never be able to and I just have to keep trying to get better and stable on meds and try and get jobs in which I know I will just lose in a couple of months. It sucks but I have to just accept that I have these problems and try what I can and live poorly I guess. I wanted nice things, dreams, a house, new car- but do they really make us happy anyhow? I don't know.... Tori accepted that part about me as I did her and I took care of her kids every single day for 2 years and when I did work all that money went to buying them toys, clothes, food and whatever else they needed. But maybe your hubby needs SSI. If he can't work, he can't work- and you either have to accept it or don't because it seems like you need something more than that and if you do, there is nothing wrong with that because you need to take care of YOU too, right?! So do what you feel is right in your heart and your mind. Listen to others but don't let it influence what you know deep down inside. They don't live your life. You do. Anyway, take care and I hope things get much better for you as well.

I understand that he has problems and can't work, just like you and Tori understood that with each other, I think with him what burns my butt the most is that he will break his neck getting over to help others, and I can't even get him to put a dish in the sink. I don't ask to be first on his list, but I would like to feel like I am at least third, and I feel like I didn't even make the first thousand pages.

I have basically told my Mother to shut up and stay out of my family business...lol, not nice I know, and I know that in her heart she means well, and has my best interest at heart, but like you said I either have to learn to live with him, or get over him. I struggle each day with wondering if maybe I am asking too much, but I truly don't believe that I am.

Take care of yourself, learn to love yourself and things will get easier with time. Cry if you need too, nothing wrong with that.

Carmen

Thats understandable that you want to come first but you feel upset because he tends to help others before helping you at home. That would be frustrating. I don't think you are asking too much of him either, I think maybe you are feeling over-loaded and you need help around the house or whatever else you may need help on and if he wants to be with you he also needs to understand he needs to be there for you as well.

Take Care,

April

I love him, but I can only tolerate so much, and he has pretty much pushed me to my breaking point. I figure by the first of the year, if he hasn't made more progress then when we get the taxes back, he will have the money to take his ass elsewhere. He can go back to California and either live with his sister or go to a friends that is willing to put him up, but I don't believe that either of them is going to tolerate for long how he has been with me.

Told him a few weeks ago that if I wanted to be treated like shit, then I would find myself some redneck that could at least hold down a job...lol.. Truth be told, I don't have any intention of ever having another man in my life. Had enough of the problems that come along with them. lol...

Carmen

No actually being a lesbian is just as hard. Woman can be too catty..... Well I hope things work out for you..

Carmen