undoing the damage

If only I had known about these groups years ago....

I was married for 8 years to the man who is the father of my five, and although he would never go to the doc for a diagnoses, I am positive that he is BP. I spent years and years of dealing with his manic episodes, his inability to keep jobs, his temper, his impulsive behaviors, and his emotional and verbal abuse. He had me (and my entire family, friends, and anyone that would listen) convinced I was the problem in our marriage. He could never accept responsibility for his actions, including his infidelity, which was also my fault.

For the sake of my children, I finally left, with my kids being very young. We went through hell after our split. He stalked me, harassed me, embarassed me in front of my coworkers, showed up in the middle of the night wanting to talk, until I finally had to get a restraining order. And when he violated that and went to jail, that too became my fault.

It has been 7 years since we have been divorced, and he has settled down, has a new girlfriend, sees the kids, but still continues to belittle me in front of them. Some days he will call, and act like my best friend, and other days, he will call out of the blue in a rage, rehashing something that happened years and years ago, and be mad all over again.

I am convinced that my issues with relationships, and the self esteem problems I have now, along with the constant guilt I feel about everything, is directly related to the time I spent with him.

I came here to look for support, and suggestions on how to undo the damage he has caused, and to try to understand this condition, and to try to get him some help. I am watching him put his girlfriend through hell now too....

You might try checking out the Co-dependant Group. There is a lot of information there about how you can fix things...and of course you can post here too...glad you shared with us...

As far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't feel guilty about anything. You should be proud that you found the strength to make such a difficult decision to divorce him and try to find a better life for you and your children. It sounds like you hung in there as long as you could.

I only had to deal with my BP wife's manic episode for 5 or 6 months, and there were time I felt like I couldn't take it any more. You spent years and years enduring his irresponsibility, impulsiveness, infedility and abuse. It is NOT your fault. Only he is responsible for his BPDO and it's treatment.

You came to a great place to seek advise, my friends on this site have brought me thru some very dark days. Have you sought counceling for yourself (and maybe your children)? I think that is the best way to undo the damage that has been done.

I agree with norma, he is on his own now. I understand he is the father of your children, and for their sake you would like him to be stable. All you can do is advise him to seek and follow treatment, and maybe setting some boundaries, like not being able to see the kids if he is unstable.

Good luck to his girlfriend and all the best to you,

Paul

Welcome to our group. I am glad you have found us. I am sorry you have had to deal with this illness with you ex. It can be very hard to deal with.

I am glad you left, and put you, and your children first.

It is not your fault he acted like that. It is his illness, and bipolar or not she need to be accountable for his actions.

I understand how you are feeling. I just got over my ex after 8 yrs of being angry. I had to go to therapy to deal with him. Mine left town, and I haven't had to deal with him since...woo hoo!!

I am the one with bipolar, too. He has never been diagnosed.

It's in the past, and you can have a good life now. Don't let him have the power to keep you from being happy.

Hang out with us. We are here for you.

Thank you for all your kind words....

I always knew I was doing the right thing by leaving, and thank God I have the support of my family. My kids spend every day after school at my mom's until I get home from work. My kids are wonderful, and unfortunately, three of them have inherited ADHD from him. I have two in counseling for that, and they are working through some self esteem issues as well.

I have been considering therapy for a very long time, I never realized how tough the aftermath could be. I wish there was some way to get him to therapy, or at least to admit that he needs help. It's so hard to deal with him now, and he has no idea how damaging his words are still today. I'm afraid my boys will grow up thinking that it is okay to talk to women like he does, and that my girls will find themselves in abusive relationships.

Norma, I did join the co-dependent group also, thank you. Hopefully I will be able to work through the other issues.

Thank you all for being here!

You seem to be on the right track. My son has bipolar, and I have put my 3 older kids in therapy, too. It has really helped me to get a place where, I could go for me. It was my place where I could get a break, and have a place to vent about everything. My kids, the day, my relationship, and get support for taking care of me. I had never took care of me. I was always putting everyone first.

I am glad we can help.

Didn't I tell ya this was a GREAT place for support!

As far as therapy goes, let me offer a little advise. I originally set up an appointment for counseling in the height of my wife's mania (and my depression), and just accepted the therapist whom the receptionist assigned to me when I called. He was nice, but didn't offer much advise on dealing with a BP. I called another place that accepted my insurance and specifically asked for someone who specialized in BPDO and, guess what, she is fantastic. She is a real professional and offers me great advise and support.

I also get therapy in a second, equally supportive location. Right here. There are so many "experts" available 24/7, who are eager to help.

Keep coming back as long as you feel like. No appointment is needed, visits are free and there is no co-pay.

Paul

Is BP genetic? And would I already see behaviors in my kids that would raise red flags? They are between the ages of 8 and 14, and although three have ADHD, I have not seen any of the manic behaviors that my ex had.

Is it typical behavior for one with BP to not be able to accept responsibility for their actions? And to be completely irrational and unable to reason with?

Post edited by: norma, at: 04/21/2008 16:27