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clo0121
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Hi, I am new to this - support group - not new to bipolar. My husband has bipolar. We have been married for almost 10 years and have three children. At times I feel like I am doing the right thing by sticking by him (he is on meds for about 2 years and does see a psychiatrist about every other month) and then at times I feel like "what am I doing?" I am sooo sick of the mood swings, being ignored when he is "in a mood" or having him fly off of the handle. I have put up with a lot of things proir to him being diagnosed with bipolar. He had a pretty rough upbringing and we thought his behavior at the time was from that. He was been unfaithful, turned to drugs at one point, been verbally and emotionally abusive. Since the meds it has made a huge difference in him, but the "moods" still continue and they come out of nowhere. I having been reading some of the messages posted and I can't believe how many of you say exactly what I feeling like - walking on eggshells - sick to my stomach wondering what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home from work. I love him tremendously and he can be such a wonderful man and great dad, but I just keep saying to myself "when is enough ENOUGH??? Thanks for listening and I would appreciate any advice or insight. |
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kimmy5893
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Could I make a suggestion...weekly or biweekly counseling to learn some coping strategies, him I mean individually. You are doing the right thing by asking yourself these questions and it sounds like you have a lot of good things going too. It's very hard and a constant battle but with the right counseling can also be managed. People sometimes have this misconception that meds alone are what it takes, however, talk therapy is equally as important. Is this something he might be open to or that you can afford as I also know how expensive this all can get! My 21 year old son is bipolar, diagnosed at about 10 years old so I understand everything you are saying! It's a tough road but educating yourself and understanding it is one of the very best things you can do. You have a lot, it sounds like, that make it worthy and that is a choice only you can make for yourself but it sounds to me like at the core of everything, you have a worthwhile marriage and probably a great guy shadowed by bp disorder. My best suggestion is finding someone that he can do counseling with and then maybe doing some of the counseling together as this maybe "his" disorder but you both suffer from it at times right? Check into the website www.nami.org and try to find some local information for yourself there and read, read, read, anything and everything to learn about it all as understanding it, or at least trying to will help him and more importantly will help you beyond any stretch of the imagination! Just knowing that you are not alone and that people do learn to live with it and manage it speaks volumes in my opinion. There is such a stigma that surrounds bp disorder that needs to be overcome I feel, it's just some messed up wiring in one's brain and the meds are vital but so is learning about it from any aspect possible. Keep coming here and talking and check out the other website which will help you find local docs, support groups, etc. and hang in there. In this world, if you love him and he's a good guy at heart stick to it, I am no advocate for divorce and believe me the stress the bp disorder has caused in my marriage, I can't believe we hung in there, but we have and I wouldn't have it any other way even though there were times we it just was all so overwhleming and that's having a bp child not husband so it's gotta be hard but you can do it! |
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MsBimbo
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Hi Honey! I'm sure it is Enough! everyday for you dear ones which stick by us bi-pos. Keeping a journal, even if it is on a calendar, to show him how often he blows without provocation might help him realize how much more abusive he can ever realize when he manically looses awareness for your needs and his monster. This journaling will also help you to address the probability that his medication is not working as well as it should. Perhaps you have access to his doctor as well? Whatever, your needs are very, very important. I know before I had the psychotherapy, counseling as you will, I was much worse in the throws of bi-polar That is, the peaks and lows were much more extreme and much more damaging. Now most of the childhood and other PTSD issues have been resolved, the peaks and lows are much milder. A trustworthy, lay counselor is much better than a gimme the money psychologist who really doesn't get down to the brass tack and delve into the truth with us on the childhood traumas we ofter endure. I had two kind souls in this area. One was my psychotherapist which happened to be a donation only lay counselor and my prescription psych doctor. Now, I only need the p dr. for some minor counseling and medication. My lay counselor has new folk to help and I thank God every day for her example of tough love - that's what real unconditonal love is -tough love. Brutal honesty, ready with total reality, and the steadfastness of a real friend. God Bless you! Hold on if you can, if not, let go and love from afar until you can re engage. Hugs, msbimbo MsBimbo
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MsBimbo
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Oh, by the way, sorry, I didn't mean to bash psychologist/counselors who do this for a living, it's just difficult for us when we find the real honest ones so rarely. I had such terrible trust issues, I'm sure the only way I could feel the first inkling of trust towards my lay counselor was because she really didn't get any money out of it. The monies I donated mostly went to supplies and maintaining the facilities. I often gave love gifts of cash to her to make sure she knew how much I appreciated her and to give her a boost or a good coffee at Tim Horton's!  Cecilie MsBimbo |
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clo0121
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Thanks for your words of encouragement and your ideas. I will definately do more researxh, check out the nami website, and suggest the counseling to my husband. I am willing to do whatever it takes for all of us to be a healthier family. I really appreciate finally having some to talk with who knows what I am going through. It is a struggle and I am not ready to give up, but at times I am emotionally drained. I think it might be a good idea for me to go to individual counseling as well. I think the biggest thing is that we have gone through the "episodes" so many times that I kknow by me just letting him lay low for a while he usually comes out of his down moods in a day or two, but it a long couple of days. He is in one of these moods tonight and I being ignored basically. By going to bed I know I will avoid a fight and negative things being said, but I feel like he's winning. I know that sounds stupid because it is not a contest. I just wish for once my needs came first and he would realize what these moods do to me and be the one to come to me, ya know? I also have a mother that has depression and anxiety and I feel as though I am always the one holding things together and I would like to lean on someone. It's nice to know now that I have found you guys and will definately be visiting often for more ideas and just to know that I am not alone. Thanks again! |
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kimmy5893
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If you feel like you are the "glue" of the family, have you ever tried to find a codependants anonymous group in your area...would be helpful I think. |
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happy1
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This is exactly how I felt a week ago when I found this site--I thought someone was in my mind typing out messages weeks/days/years before I even found this....Many posts are soooooo similar--this website has been a blessing to solidify that it is NOT me that is having the problems with my bi-polar husband. I know he is ill, but it is sooooo draining. The walking on eggshells, the unemployment, the lying; the really heartfelt talks about wanting to get better then deserting it all once he is feeling a tinge better. Right now he is in a phys hospital; and after leaving a threatening message about himself and to me-I am visiting with a divorce lawyer this evening. I have to face it; that I am just no longer strong enough to be his only support system...I have done the therapy for me--and that is just not enough. I have to explore my other options at this point. I love him. I know he is ill. But I love me more. I don't know if that makes me selfish, but it's time for me to be on the front burner. Good luck.
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clo0121
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happy1, Good luck with whatever you choose to do. It is draining. I too have been my husbands only support system over the years as he doesn't get along with his family and doesn't have many friends to count on. I am only 27 years old and feel like is this just it for the rest of my life, contantly dealing with the ups and downs. I know marriage is tough and you have to work on it, but when you're the one do all the work, it just doesn't feel right. It is hard to seperate the man from the bipolar. I know at times he can't help it, but it is so hard to have him be loving and caring one day - to almost a "stranger on the street" the next. I dont have any answers for myself right now, I am just going day by day wondering what the next will bring. Hang in there! You are not slefishing by loving yourself more and wanting more for yourself. Actually I think you are being very brave to take the first step. Good luck! |
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happy1
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CLO0121--thanks you for your message. I am only 30. My birthday is this week. AFter 4 years marriage and 12 years together; I have to think to myself, if I ever wanted to get out of this vicious circle, this is the time. He is in the hospital--this news will definitly hit him hard; but if I do it at home--I might not have the stregth to fight back when he throws "if you leave, I'll kill myself". I can't believe I'm taking the steps to end my marriage--it is so surreal. |
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