Told him to get out

I have tried my damndest for so long to make this work, to stand by him and be a good wife and I am told that he "has no wife". He honestly hates me, and I asked him what he thought I should do? Be less intelligent, have lower standards, respect myself less? I tell you, it is like being stabbed. To have all the things you believe about yourself spit on and crushed. I feel absolutely horrible, so awful. I am so scared to be by myself and try to raise my kids and make ends meet. I am so tired of being married to him. I wish I were a strong woman who would know exactly what to do and not waste time crying.

You don't really want to be a strong woman. Be who you are -sensitive and precious. The strong woman becomes hard and controlling. Don't loose yourself by becoming 'strong'.

Get some distance, time, or whatever you need to get yourself some 'me' time and get yourself some help. No one deserves to be talked to like that or devalued in such a way.

Is he always manic? Does he not have any real accountable moments where he can listen and value you away and later after the manic storm has passed? Do you have a place to go to find solace and peace away from him when he's being a bug?

Perhaps setting a boundary for yourself and telling him about it when he's more reasonable. A boundary in which you get your needs met and are not abused in his mania. Something like "I will leave the house and call the emergency room for an ambulance to pick you up when you are out of control. I have to keep myself safe and sane." or "I will leave and will come back when it is safe to do so." Then put some money aside for yourself in a weekend bag of necessities and go to a friend's or family member's home.

Good luck & God Bless!

msbimbo

Never are boundaries to be used as threats. When they are, they loose the essential ingredient of unconditional love for oneself and others. The respect needs to be there for self and him, too.

Go sweetly and with a light heart. You deserve it.

msbimbo

Better yet, keep a weekend bag at a couple of places where you can go, just so you can walk right out the door when it gets too nasty to go gather stuff up. Grab that 'ole purse you keep near the door and scoot!

later-gator!

msbimbo

And to answer your question, he seems to be manic more and more, at least three days a week.

I explained to him last night (after another evening of everyone walking around the house like there was a gun to thier head) the amount of tension and fear and worry I experience on a day to day basis, and I think he heard me. I hope he remembers the conversaton, because he is very forgetful of things. Very badly forgetful.

Anyway, Monday night was very bad. At this point, he is seeing the therapist Tuesday and I am hopeful we will see a med change....I know this can cause problems, but what he is on now just isn't working.

I requested last night more predictability in our life. If I had what I want, our day would be scheduled from the time we open our eyes to the time we lay our heads back down at night. I just think a schedule would calm everyone down, help us to know precisely what is expected of each of us, and might lend some comfort in an unpredictable life. At least that is what I think.

Mu husband (when stable and present) is a good man. I love him. I believe he loves me. I believe that he has not accepted his diagnosis, and is trying to go through as few motions as possible to be able to say to me and everyone else that he is trying. I believe he thinks this will go away.

I think this post is a bit of a ramble, and doesn't have a real point, but it has made me feel better.

Rambling on is never wrong. It is often the time when we are beginning to work out what we've been talking about. Don't worry about rambling, Honey!

I'm very, very forgetful. It takes almost all I have to try to remember things. I make notes, give the responsibility of remembering appointments and work schedules on the person they belong to. It helps to do this, but forgetfulness is all the time right now. One moment my boss tells me something and the next moment I'm asking her to repeat herself. She's cool and understands and will tell me what needs to be repeated.

As far as his meds seeming ineffective perhaps:

1. He's not taking them.

2. The denial is taking an awful lot of energy to maintain and the mania is an almost constant.

3. His meds are really not working for him.

As long as he's in denial, he will not seek the help he needs. I believe my heavenly Father loves me more than anyone I've ever met. He has patiently waited and held my hand as I ran on rampant through all the classic ways to avoid the truth. When it all came crashing down and I was bereft of everything, I became aware of Him there keeping me from falling into the empty abyss of depression. From that point on, denial became less powerful for me.

Sometimes we have to experience a significant event which will wake us up to the awareness of our condition. At that point, it is our choice whether we act upon the truth (reality) or ignore it and go on in misery making those who love us miserable, too.

I know you are hurting from this. You've said it over and over again. Is there anyone out there that can take him in and will not judge him or you during these times you need to be separated? Perhaps there's someone which will be able to give some unconditional love and just 'be there' for him and more indirectly, for you, too. It'd be something like a 'time out' for you to regain your sanity and peace in you home.

I've tried the schedule thing and cannot maintain one for myself. I'm hoping the new meds will help. I know when I was on Zoloft my mind was sharp and I seemed more on a schedule than any other time.

Oh, I'm rambling now!

Hugs and more Hugs!

msbimbo

P.S. Keep me posted. I will read every word you want to ramble, shout, cry, and bitch about, ok?

He has quit his job and moved four hours away to his parents. They had no idea he was bipolar. I spoke with his mom about it, and what we were going through as a family, and she is (hopefully) going to do what she can for him. The kids and I start counseling of our own in October. It has been hard, and I am very afraid of the future and how I will get along alone, but I also know that making him leave was the best thing I could do. If he loves his family, he will face this thing and work to get better. If he doesn;t love us enough to do that, then we are better off anyway. It's a win/win for myself and the kids, even though right now it hurts so much. I don;t allow myself to as "why", there will never be an answer for that, I can't get caught up in how this is so unfair for everyone involved. I just have to put one foot in front of the other, trust in God, find myself again, take my kids by the hand and show then what safety and stability is. I am hurting, but I am also hopeful and feeling a sense of hope again. I had lost that. I feel like I can breathe, I can be me, I don't have to live in fear and worry.

Maybe he will get some real help, and work out all of his issues and problems, and maybe he won't. The sun will shine tomorrow, and I have a lot of life yet to live, and I can rest on the fact that I tried until I just couldn't try anymore. I have met wonderful people on this board, I have learned the value of people. I spent a lot of my life isolated, mistrustful, I just had no contact with many people at all. Now my boss is giving me hugs, people are crying with me, and laughing with me, and telling me I did the right thing, and I don't think I could do this without that support. I do doubt myself, sometimes I feel like I really am that horrible person he always accused me of being, and that it is all my fault like he said it was....and then someone tells me to snap out of it. People are telling me I am a good person, and a good mom, and that I am okay, and it is like rain in the desert. I am blessed.

You need some more help, too! YOu've been through hell and need to get some basic PTSD counseling. You will be able to place things in the proper perspective and the guilt will be gone because you were never to blame for any of it.

Hugs and More Hugs!

msbimbo

Your life sounds like mine

I feel fake most of the time as I have to be "the person" who does not set him off. I can never be"me"

I also love the REAL guy when he pops up -- but I hate the disease which he is most of the time

My heart aches, I am sick to my stomach and walk on egg shells all the time. I also hear I am to blame for all that ailes him... I am surprised - with everything being MY FAULT -- that I am not resposible for the increase in gas prices, and the rocky housing market.

He has NO idea he is manic and I have to wait for him to REGULATE to tell him... But he ALWAYS takes himself off meds, or does NOT do the right dosage.

Zyprexia worked for him. He was great and my heart was filled with joy to see him again -- but of course, he stopped taking it.

He is "saving" it... For what? His next wife? As he kills what we had?

Oh God, I miss him... He is still here --- just NOT ya know?

Did you know 18 out of 20 bipolar marriages fail?

I called one of those 800 numbers when my heart was heaving in grief and pain....

And he does not even KNOW he is sick....

I know how you feel.