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zinnia
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i thought that this time, i had made it. i thought i had. but i failed again. i had a week of feeling like a person. i didn't have racing, layered thoughts. i could concentrate. i could step back and look at a situation before i reacted. the meds were making me feel so good. all of a sudden, it's gone. i don't know if i need a higher dose or if i'm just hopeless. maybe i have to forget my life, go back to the hospital and let them give me ECT again. i will lose my boys. i will lose my practice. i will lose my memory. why do i just have to keep failing? what is wrong? if someone could just tell me what i did that i need to say sorry for so i could be forgiven, i would do it, but i just can't figure it out. seeing pdoc tomorrow but just don't believe he can help. i can keep trying to help other people, but i can't help myself. i'm just not worth it, i guess. i sound like a whiner and i'm sorry. i'm really sorry, especially because i love you all and i hate for you to hear me sound like this, but i need to hear something to make this stop. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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carmen33
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Zinnia darling, first and foremost you are not a failure, it takes a while to get the medications up and going.. get to your doctor and see what they can do to get you better, have faith that there is something out there for you..there is... There is no reason you should lose your boys, your mom and dad can watch over them if you need to go to the doctors, as for the business? emergency came up, you have to go out of town for a while..and there you go..ok? I am hoping that you can avoid going back to the hospital, but if that is what it takes to get you feeling better then so be it.. |
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zinnia
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thank you carmen. i know you're beat and sore. get to bed so they can appoint you manager tomorrow. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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carmen33
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Not going to bed for a bit..kiddo you need to get some help and get it today, your doctor can probably up the moodstabilizer, and maybe throw in a anti anxiety med, what do they have you on right now? |
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zinnia
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thank you, carmen. i have pdoc at 2:30. had to agree to see him every week to stay out of hospital. i am taking 5 mgs of abilify, 150 Wellbutrin, adderal to make the meds work because my thyroid won't metabolize them, klonopin for anxiety and ambien (what a waste) for sleep. i think i need more of the abilify. it was all working so well together for the first 5 days. still free of the run on thoughts that were so bad. just back to feeling worthless now. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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carmen33
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And Zinnia dear, I don't want the manager position, too much work, to much stress and don't need the crap, not to mention if I was making that kinda money hubby would not feel he had to work...lol... now he knows he has too to contribute to the family.. |
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carmen33
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I'd have him look at upping the abilify, have you ever tried the Lamictal?
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zinnia
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had terrible reaction to lithium. couldn't read or write and had black outs. now they're always afraid to try Lamictal??? Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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zinnia
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i wouldn't want manager position if i were you either. i'm so sick of everyone needing my help. i know that sounds bad, but they scare me with their never ending need. a client screamed at me on the phone on friday evening for an hour. i kept trying to hang up and she'd call back. i've done a great job for her and she says the worst things to me because she feels badly. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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glory
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zinnia.....you know I can shit fire and save the matches, while, I'm chewing nails, but I don't know if ya need that part of me. I know you need a shoulder right now, but it can't be mine.. You are one of the most caring mommies around. You talk about your boys like they were sent to you straight from heaven.. If you can't be patient enough for the meds to kick in, you sure must not be thinking of anyone else but you. I don't know if your kids were planned, but if they were goddamn it..you owe them! You owe them love, happiness, happy childhood memories, AND a mommy!!!!I think you are a Christian too. Do you go about that half way??? Well right now your faith is looking a little thin. Maybe not so much comfort coming out of your bible. Cause if there was...you wouldn't be so hard on and distrustful of your Lord. I don't know what the answer is for you, zinnia. I know that you are loved, cause I love ya. I also know you don't believe you are loveable. I won't be able to convince you of that. What I do know, is that that old mother bear mentality is gonna kick in here & you're gonna do whatever it takes to be there for those 2 kids. Love Gloria glory |
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