|
|
tarajoy
Posts: 4
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi my name is Tara and I just came across this board in searching for more information about bipolar disorder. My husband, who is 37, has been recently diagnosed with BPD and is taking 2 different medications; lactimal and seroquel and I am sorry to say things are only getting worse. We have been married somewhat happily for the past 5 years and have a 3-year old daughter. In December we moved into a smaller house in order to be in a better financial situation (he works, I don't)and since then my husband's behavior has been out of control. He has been seeing a psychiatrist who I have also spoken to on the phone to describe our problems to, but for the most part we are arguing everyday now and his crazy outbursts are averaging at least 1-2 times a week.During these rageful fits, he behaves like an animal and has become extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He constantly talks about filing for divorce, how there is nothing wrong with him and he doesnt need meds how he is just married to the wrong person. He blames me for every problem in his life and has become suspicious of everything I do to help him he thinks I am conspiring against him. I would file for divorce myself but whenever I agree with him to do so, he threatens to make my life miserable if I leave him, he claims I married him for better or worse and I am not going to get rid of him so easily. I love my husband but I don't think I can take anymore. He had a major outburst last night where he packed all his clothes, picked a fight and verbally abused my mother then stormed out of here to "leave for good" only to return home an hour later just fine. This morning he doesnt go to work and wants to know what I want to do today. When I try to talk about last night and how I feel about it he tells me to shutup and let him have a nice day. Does this sound like the BPD to anyone or has he jsut become a nasty person? His family also has alot of input and influence over him and they are very wealthy and it seems that he repeats whatever they say because of his obsession with money. I would appreciate any input on understanding this disorder. Thanks, Tara |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
zinnia
 Posts: 1002
Senior Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi, Tara-sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your husband is experiencing really severe mood swings, and you are paying the price. The only way to treat bipolar disorder is for the person who has it to decide to get on and stay on meds and get in and stay in therapy. You say the meds aren't working-are you sure he's taking them? have you talked to his doctor about what's going on? there are times when things get so out of control that the only thing for a bipolar sufferer to do is to go into the hospital where they are safe and where doctors can monitor them 24/7 to help them get on the meds and get stable. Most of us know we need the meds when we're stable, but when things get out of control, we some times believe we don't. it's ok for you to need to get counseling, too. this is a really hard thing to deal with and almost impossible to do alone. finally-bipolar or not, it is NOT OK for him to be abusing you. you are way more important than that. this disease is not an excuse for treating people poorly. if he needs to be in the hospital, get him in there. if you need to leave to keep you and your child safe, it's ok to do that. you can still work to get him help, but you need to take care of you and your child first. there are lots of spouses of bp people here who will be more than happy to talk to you. you are NOT alone. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
carmen33
Posts: 5665
Group Leader
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Tara, whatever it is, bipolar or not, you do not have to live this way, either he gets help or gets out, period.. I am glad you are here, and this will give you a safe place to come and talk, but it will not be as good as getting counseling for yourself, and setting boundaries.. has his family offered any insight to whether or not he was like this growing up?
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
Gypsy
Posts: 1637
Senior Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi Tara, Welcome. I am glad you found us. If he isn't wanting help his behavior will only get worse. You are not to blame. This is his illness he is acting out on. Whether it is his illness or not he has no right to treat you like this. The threat that if you leave he will make your life miserable is just his way of manipulating you. If you protect yourself, and you daughter, and set boundaries, and follow through , he can't do anything to you. As long as you allow him to keep treating you this way, you are just enabling him to blame you for his illness. There are two options,to leave, and be safe from his illness , or stay and watch him get sicker. Either way, I wouldn't fight with him this just feeds into his mania. I would go research everthing you can about this illness.There are a lot of posts by spouses of people with bipolar on this forum. Feel free to read them. I hope every thing works out for you either way. God Bless,Gypsy |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
tarajoy
Posts: 4
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
THANK YOU all for responding so quickly. To answer some of your questions: The thing with his parents is that they are very materialistic, very controlling, and very old-fashioned, so I guess he was brought up with these values but like I had mentioned before they were really never a problem until the last 2 years or so. His parents are playing a big part in the problem too though because they never really approved of me from the start and now that this is all happening they are influencing him against me behind my back and all this time I had trusted them and gone to them for help figuring that they would be concerned of his mental health--but now I have come to find out they are only concerned with who gets what in the event of a divorce. After speakign with his dr. I now look back and realize signs of the disorder that I just ignored because he truly was a great guy with a huge heart. Now he is just an ugly person most of the time. As I mentioned earlier, he has an obsession with money and something I realized was that when we had alot of it, things were great. But as soon as we hit financial difficulty (due to his obscene spending)his moods went out of control. I do know that he is taking his medication and I speak with is dr. at least once a week regarding the pills and how much he is taking, etc. but what is strange is that I seem to notice that each time he freaks out like this, its a little bit worse than the last time. I do know its not right that I stay here after these outbursts, I know and understand completely that I am enabling him to continue acting badly but its just that when I leave, sure I feel releived on the one hand but then so sick with worry on the other. I also am having a hard time not feeling responsible for him, like taking care of him and stuff. I always put my daugher first but am having a huge problem letting go of being staying here to make sure he is okay. At this point he has alienated himself for almost everyone else; friends, family, co-workers. He owns his own business so most days he won't even go to work anymore and he just stays in bed (usually the day after a big blow-up, like today). On the days he is up and at work he is just in a highly agitated state and always angry. Last night he actually left with all his clothes and headed to the airport to get on an international flight(to where he knows no one)all to get away from me because I am destroying his life. Most of his gripes about me are that I am a horrible wife, horrible mother, horrible housekeeper and not pretty enough for him (all of which I promise is not true)--he says he feels he is settling for me. Like I said before, I am all for a divorce,but after repeatedly asking for one, the minute we decide to do something about it he changes his mind. He has never put his hands on me but always threatens my life if I try to leave him. Its like living on a rollercoaster. Another big problem is that I haven't worked in 4 years and without him have no $$$. I have recently started stashing some away but now his new thing is that he thinks he will withold money from me until I "fall in line" and "follow his rules". Again, I think this is his father's influence. Sometimes he repeats what his father says word-for-word, as if he doesnt have any thoughts of his own.Today, sensing that he was in a calm mood, I tried to talk to him about what went on last night and how serious it was, but he just brushes it off, wants to sweep it under the rug and forget all about it. I am not sure if he is embarrassed by his behavior or if he just does not care. Either way I guess it doesnt matter. I am right now debating whether I should just take my daughter and spend a few days at my parent's house. Sadly enough, I am trying to figure out if this will cause him to freak out again or if it will keep things calms throught the weekend. Thanks so much for listening  tara |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
Gypsy
Posts: 1637
Senior Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Your husband sounds like me before, I got on meds. That is the bipolar illness coming out. It's good you are stashing money aside. You will have more choices. If you go to your parents house you will be in a better situation. If he get's crazy, you can call the police. You won't be alone with him. You don't have to live like this if you don't want to. You don't deserve to be treated like this. One time, I had to ask myself," what kind of example do I want be for my daughter?" Do, I want show her it's okay to be treated badly, or do I want to show her, that she can be strong, and be in a healthy relationship? Children learn how to have relationships from their parents.How do you think he will treat your daughter when she get's older?? Take care of you, and your daughter. God Bless,Gypsy |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
tarajoy
Posts: 4
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Hi Gypsy Thank you for your kind words. I was wondering how were you taking medication before you felt better and what was it you were taking? My husband has been taking lactimal for about 6 weeks now and seroquel since Monday. If anything I think his behavior has gotten worse if thats at all possible. Thanks, Tara
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
zinnia
Posts: 1002
Senior Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Gypsy is right. that's how i finally decided to leave my ex...i thought "is this what i want my 2 boys to think a man does to a woman". there are times it is easier for us to do things for our kids than ourselves. you have your parents to go to...go!!!!! run as fast as you can. this is a great option because you can be around some sanity for a few days and think clearly about what you need/want to do next. you don't have to be treated like this and his disorder is just not your fault and it's not your responsibility to help him when he won't help himself. hope you're ok. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
|
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
oldglory
Posts: 422
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Neither of those drugs work overnight. The Lamictal will take at least 6 weeks if not longer. Be patient, please. His body is going through chemical changes that will not be rushed. Gloria |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
|
tarajoy
Posts: 4
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Thanks Zinnia. I am going to go to my parents even if just for the weekend. They live about an hour away from me but its like a different world after what we're living like. I agree about the children--this morning my daughter asked why daddy was so mean,and it broke my heart. I tried to explain that he is sick and thats what makes him act mean but she shook her head and told me "No, not sick. Mean." Still, he still acts the way he acts knowing she is watching everything. Okay, I am going to get ready to go now. I'll write and update later. Tara |
|
Post Reply Quote |
|
Bipolar Support Forums
