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03/03/2009 08:28 AM

Introducing myself..

smurmet
Posts: 4
Member

Hi,

I few words to introduce myself and my situation...I'm 30, I've been in a relationship for 8 years, of which married a year and a half.

My husband has always been an up and down kind of person, prone to low moods and bad temper. But nothing that made me think that there was anything actually wrong with him.

In the last two years or so things have steadily spiralled out of control.

I should probably point out that he tried to commit suicide when he was 17. He miraculously survived and refused to ever receive any kind of counselling or medication. He has always prided himself on the fact that he sorted his own problems out himself.

It is not surprising then that he will not accept he needs any help now either - even visiting his GP to get a diagnosis is out of the question. He doesn't accept that he has BP or that there is anything wrong with him.

I keep telling myself that may be I am wrong - I am not a doctor. But the more research I do, the more blogs I read...I cry when I read them because they ring so true. But all the solution require him to take responsibility. My hands are tied until then.

I started realising it was BP around last autumn.

We are now on the verge of breaking up - we had a "normal" argument about two months ago following which things have gone horribly wrong. I am heartbroken. The man that lives in my home resembles in no way the man I love and have known all these years. He says he has changed and that he wants to be alone and just do what he wants to do. He says he can't see any pros being with me. He has become completely obsessed by porn. His resentment that I haven't been adventurous enough in the bedroom has become completely overblown. He is addicted to tv, which he always likes to watch quite a lot, but I am talking about spending entire weekends laying on the sofa watching tv from when he wakes up to when he goes to sleep. There's is one particular car show of which he has seen all the episodes but he watches them on repeat. I am not welcome to interfere with what is being watched and mostly I am not even welcome in the room. He is full of hate for me and completely cold in the face of my obvious distress.

This is a man who only around Christmas time was very loving.

He's life now revolves around working late, going out and drinking a lot and watching tv.

I went to see my GP in pieces about a month ago. he said I needed to stay strong and "ride it out" and that once he was back to himself I needed to convince him to come and see the GP. He also wasn't sure it was BP because he was able to carry on working and I seemed to be the one bearing the brunt of it - apparently if he had bipolar he'd be just as bad with everyone. So he left me with no help, no concern for my personal wellbeing and even more confused.

I love him so much. He is kind,caring,funny, outgoing. He is my family (my parents and older sisters live in another coutnry). Our wider families get on great, we have a lovely home. We were looking forward to soon starting a family.

I don't want to give up on him and I don't want to throw away what we have.

But there is only so much emotional cruelty that one person can take...I already can barely get about my normal life, fighting back tears most of the day, feeling this ice cold lump in my chest. I am confused and a shadow of myself. But at the same time the thought of packing my things, and leaving my home and him seems so hard I am not sure I can do it.

What can I do? I am hoping that this episode will just run its course and my husabnd who wants to be with me will re-emerge. But will he?!

I feel like I am going through hell.

I have been thinking I need to speak to his mum - but if he found out he'd go mad, so not really sure what she could do either...

If anyone has gone through something similar and/or has any words of advice that would be so much appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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03/03/2009 08:37 AM
DaniW

Welcome smurmet... you found a good place here. I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, but there are plenty here that do. I'm glad you've joined us.

03/03/2009 08:37 AM
Ele
Posts: 2039
Senior Member

Only a dr can diagnose bipolar. His behaviors could be caused by a number of things. Having said that I hope your husband decides to get help. I am sorry you are having a rough time of it. Maybe if you get counseling yourself you will find tools to deal with your situation.

Welcome to the group, feel free to join in anywhere.

Post edited by: Ele, at: 03/03/2009 08:38


03/03/2009 08:43 AM
neondreams
neondreams  
Posts: 7297
VIP Member

Welcome! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. <hugs> For your information, there are 3 kinds of bipolar -- bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia. Bipolar I is more severe and consists of manic episodes (where a person has tons of energy, feels extremely happy, excited, restless, etc.) and depressive episodes. Bipolar II is a "milder" form of bipolar (but by no means less bothersome) which consists of hypomania (mild mania where a person feels better than usual, may have racing thoughts, irritability, etc.) and depression. Cyclothymia is the mildest form of bipolar and consists of mild hypomania and mild depression. I'm not a psychiatrist, but since your husband is able to function for the most part, I would tend to suspect that he either has bipolar II or cyclothymia. It's also possible he could have bipolar I especially if he becomes angry/irritable or drinks while having a manic episode. I wish I knew what else I could suggest to help you through this. Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. What I would recommend is that you show him how much you love him. When he has an angry outburst, let him know that you understand that he's upset, but will leave the room until he has a chance to calm down. As far as his TV habits are concerned, is there a way you both could watch a favorite program and/or documentary? My first ex boyfriend used to watch TV ad nauseum and one of the ways I was able to cope was by finding programs or movies that we both enjoyed watching. I don't know if anything I've written has helped, but I want you to know I feel for your situation. I know it's easier said than done, but try to hang in there!

Post edited by: neondreams, at: 03/03/2009 08:44


03/03/2009 09:33 AM
smurmet
Posts: 4
Member

Thank you all for your messages, so quickly. It means a lot.

Yes I intend to get counselling myself, but if I also have to move out I am not going to be able to afford it.

Ele I know I can't be sure he has bipolar until he is diagnosed and I do keep myself aware that it might be something different. But there is clearly something wrong, and this is the explanation that seems to makes sense.

He absolutely does not care what I've got to say at the moment, there is zero room for negotation with regards to tv watching or anything else. He is a cold stranger with only very occasional, fleeting glimpses of the man I know.

The best thing I can do to not upset myself is to let him be and stay out of his way. I've made sure he knows I love him - by telling him and with small gestures. I got him a card and a little present for Valentines although he ignored the day entirely. I cook dinner and keep the home tidy. All this makes me feel like a doormat but I want him to know I am there for him and that I care. I am worried that the strategy of leaving him to it is not working as two months on nothing's changed. I am worried that unwittingly I might be making things worse.

Can someone tell me, who is bipolar themselves (although I appreciate the way people go throuhg this and experience things varies a lot from one individual to another) - am I doing the right thing? Or am I just making him think that it is ok to say and do anything because I just won't leave him? Or does it make any difference what I do while he is like this?

Again thank you all, from my heart. I have to go home now and our computer is broken but I will be back tomorrow.


03/03/2009 10:03 AM
neondreams
neondreams  
Posts: 7297
VIP Member

You might want to give him an ultimatim -- either he sees a psychiatrist to determine what is going on or you will leave. I don't mean to suggest this willy-nilly, but at some point, you need to decide how much of his behavior you're going to take. You can either continue to stand by him and accept his outbursts and continue on as you are or you can put your foot down and demand that things change. Since you can't afford to move out on your own, is there a friend or relative you can stay with?

03/03/2009 10:05 AM
taurus
taurusPosts: 2893
Senior Member

SMurmet, there are so many ifs in this situation. I don't know if what you are doing is making any difference on the surface but it may be helping him deep down and he doesn't realize it. If he is bipolar and manic he wouldn't be lieing around on the couch all day. Plus his behavior would be spilling over into work.But then again if he's mild bipolar his mood swings wouldn't be as bad as your describing. See what I mean? There are too many ifs in thisw situation. The only way your going to know for sure is if he sees a pdoc. THis could just be a spillover from his childhood and he's just running away from it. It sounds like he doesn't like asking for help. I can tell you one thing for sure, he hates himself which can turn into a form of anger towards you. If you feel you can't take it anymore that you are falling apart than you need to stop focusing on him and focus on yourself. You don't want to lose yourself because he's lost enough for the both of you.

03/03/2009 11:02 AM
ladyrb
ladyrb  
Posts: 513
Member

Have you ever just let him see a forum or dairy in this web site. I hknow it will be hard but try telling him stories about us. We all have stories that can be similiar to what you are going through. If he doesn't believe you show him the site. I know I tell my husband some of the stories from here and he is understanding me a little bit more. I am bipolar I.

03/04/2009 08:32 AM
smurmet
Posts: 4
Member

Thank you all for your posts, your words help a lot. I know there are too many ifs and it drives me mad that he wont accept any help to find out one way or the other - at least if we could put a name to the beast we could map a way forward. Together. And he could stop channeling all his anger and no doubt confusion onto me. Instead of realising that his mind is playing with him he is choosing to point the finger at me to be the root of his problems.

I am not the evil, selfish, manipulating person he paints me to be -in fact I'm quite quiet and easy going.

Money is an issue with regards to me moving out - I live in London where everyone already lives on top of each other. My family doesn't live in this country and none of my friends have spare space not that that would really be a solution either in the medium term.

This is all so completely absurd that I just completely struggle to compute what is happening - it feels like I am in some really nasty parallel universe.

I think I am going to talk to his mum. I don't exactly have much more to lose anymore. We have a good relationship and she is the only person who knows him even better than I do.


05/06/2009 09:30 AM
Euro
Posts: 32
Member

My Fiance has Bipolar Disorder and there are so many similarities in the behaviour you describe, in your husband. He left our home 6 weeks ago without a word, after 12.5 years together. Wouldn't answer my calls or respond to my texts. After 2 weeks of worrying I sent him a text to say I would call his Mum to ask if she has heard from him. An hour later he finally responds but with a cold "Do not phone anyone". I asked for an explanation - I didn't get one.

Because his disappearance came on the day we were due to have our house renovated, some say that could have been a trigger which sent him into a manic episode, which would explain the disappearing and ignoring. He also started drinking heavily in the weeks running up to the work at home. But, it's only *me* that he is ignoring - he seems to be functioning as normal with work and everyone else. I also looked at his eBay feedback today and in the time he's been away he's made many purchases that he must be getting sent to his new address, wherever that may be.

When in a manic episode, can that person function and behave quite normal with friends/acquaintances while only shutting out their partner/those closest to them? This is the thing I'm having the hardest time with. Where does the bipolar begin and the person end? I feel like I'm making excuses for him to my family by saying it's the illness and not him. But, I really don't know if that's the case anymore.

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