Yeah, LostAngel777! That's exactly what I feel like. I need to tap into the artistic side, and I really want to help people out at the same time.
So I recently went through this horrific emotion ride. I don't think it was a slight manic episode. I more of got the biggest rejection from my love life so far. I decided it would be a wonderful idea to write about all the love connections that I had in my life with my other band mate. What a horrible idea. We started writing about these guys (some of them I met online), and she started writing about hers. IT hurt so bad, for some reason all the juices of love overwhelmed me and it happened that the one guy that I was going to see in San Francisco this August (that was completely platonic), I told him I fell in love with him. So of course, he's gone through the exact same thing, and it was something that he said he's gone through (and online relationship) that he would never want me to go through. He also had a boyfriend, so really it was still no dice. I knew he had one, but it was just a coincidence that I chose the one that was going to give me the most rejection. We talked like 4 or 5 times a week, and now it was just horrible losing your best friend (even though I've never met him, just through skype). I did buy the ticket to see him, but I just don't know when to tell him that I'm still going to visit him. IT's kindof complicated now that he has a boyfriend, and so it would be awkward staying in his bed as we were talking about. We all know things happen. But I then recently told him, this story, and that I'm actually not in love with him (which I'm not because I have a lovely boyfriend now), and we're back to our regular talking about random shit we love.
So problem 1: Need to tell him I'm going to San Fran (I might just surprise him and say to meet me at Yaesayer concert that we were going to see together).
K. So of course, that night after I just lost my best friend, I had to work at my caretaking job at a Catholic School Board where we were doing heavy duty stripping, cleaning, repetive tasks. Um, I impulsively couldn't handle the 60 year old micromanaging man constantly retorting indirect mean things (especially homophobic), and I couldn't keep up the, "I'm the gay christian" because I wasn't. Before this, I absolutely loved working, and I got amazing feedback from my employer. But working solely with this guy (because school was over and it was summer cleanup), we just clashed so much. So I, being in such a senstive emotional state, went up and left and wrote a little note saying, "I just lost my friend, have a good trip this weekend". SO of course 3 days later, my actual boss asked me if I was coming back (because he knows that a lot of people complain about this guy), and I was in such a sensitive state that I just had to say, I can't, I just need to take a break. So I'm down that drain with a job, and I just lost 2000 dollars of paid work.
Problem 2- Figure out how I'm going to pay for my trip to San Fran, and Montreal, when I have zero monies.
oh. man. MY class. Still messed up, still way behind, but luckily now that I have all free time for my job I will have more studying time. I unfortunately have to write my third midterm yesterday, but I have this professor that isn't really responding to my e-mail (which I sent in a bad mood). I get extra time through the disability services, but he always messes it up, and now that I actually need it, I feel like I'm using him. Uh, so no response from him, and now I'm so behind, and I have a month left to read over 300 pages. Whenever I study, I am such a perfect procrastinator- all my other interests seem to hover around me by the end of my study period (my piano, food, magazines, facebook, my cat, my journal, my music, ect.).
Problem 3- Find a way to still focus (probably good idea to go to my psychiatrist), and pass this class, and find a way to get in an out of university even though I know I can do it, but still have 4 more years to go. I feel like a dumb dumb. And it's hurting. I want to so bad get this degree, and the only thing stopping it is me.
K, I have all this music in my head and I need to get it out, and do a show. I don't know how. I have 4 wind instruments, 5 violins, 3 different singers, tons of synth players, lots of musicians who'd say yes to performing with me. The only time I can physically write i'm drunk. And of course, I'm allowed to drink, but I've been starting to get drunk so much more because that's the only thing that really helps me concentrate.
Problem 4- Finally write down all the music I wanted to, and promised to. (I think this one roots in the problem that I want to be somebody)
I rearranged my goals, and I really want to be a professional musician, and a nurse at the same time. So I've decided that I want to go to university of Toronto to take lessons with the amazing bassoonist there, while doing nursing.
Problem 5- No money. Need to apply, do extra classes, pass courses.
The last problem is a bit silly. I recently went to Motion Notion (which is a rave/electronic concert). I accidently had the best time ever, and loved it. The last night I took Nos (nitrogen oxide), and I think I did wrong. I have the worst headache, the worst throat, and my body hurts so much. I'll just a while to see if that one clears up. IT was sooo much fun to meet the best people I've met before. Oh, I as well didn't go on my drugs the whole weekend, and that really gave me a lot of energy (back on them now).
Problem 6- Go to the doctor
Living situation is still poopy. MY mom being a devoute catholic completely gives me zero support in my life. Especially coming from this freeing music festival I really just go in my underwear in my life all the time. Going to the music festival was awesome because it was the exact opposite of my family life. Everyone was soo self affirming, and gave the best compliments ever. Everyone was like, stop worrying about stuff, and just have fun! "You can never have too much fun- as long as you're not hurting anyone, doing anything stupid, than it's totally fine if you're doing exactly what you want to do." Which is the exact opposite of family life- "I have no support for you, the only real reason you're here is because you're bipolar and I'm only here to keep you going." I'm allowed to stay if I go to university, but I don't think I can physically, mentally, emotionally handle this horrible home situation. I'm a stereotypical gay boy that knows I'm better suited to run away and have a fabulous life, but at the same time, I have zero money to do that. How do you possibly do that in Canada when you have to pay 500 dollars for rent, another 500 a month for food and stuff, another 200 a month for music lessons, and then 5000 dollars a year for university. It's just not practical. Especially when I'm unemployed, my parent is working part-time because she's bipolar too, and my dad is only getting minimum wage.
Problem 7 - Need to find a place, or handle my life situation.
So of course, those are just the negatives, and I'd just like to share the positives to balance out all the gross things that are happening in my life, that can really only be solved with finding a way to be more productive in a corporate society.
-I have a lovely brother and sister who love me lots
-I have a wonderful boyfriend that was there during my little emotional stunt, and we've been going really good. His family is really giving me all the lack of family I've been recieving in my life.
-I have a roof, food, amenities covered right not
-I have friends that absolutely love me, and I have people in my life that I'm their number 1 go to for anything impulsive/helpful. K, I love my friends, and I love that I can see my influence on them, and their influence on me.
-I just went to an amazing music festival that changed my life, and I found exactly the extra oomph that I needed to get through this summer
- I have 2 flights booked already that I fully paid for, and just need to find a hostel to stay in san fran.
- I have many gifts, talents, and experiences that can make me shine through life as soon as it all starts rolling well.
- I love the city I live in. It's absolutely gorgeous, calm, small, but just enough to keep me satisfied with my life.
- I have this amazing connection I can make with people as soon as we click.
-I finally feel like I'm becoming me, and the only thing stopping me is me (and my micromanaging mother who fucking stops me every single time I do something. HOLY fudge I need to move out of my house right now. *le sigh*.
- I don't overreact in situations and can bounce back pretty fast.
- I have a clear focus, and I just need to find a way to strengthen myself, find that over-productive concentrated self to do all the billlions of projects I want to do, and just keep going.
- I love actually being raised in a smaller income family, because it's made me a wonderful spender. haha. I mean it's made me so grateful for the things I really need, and the fact that once I do start making money, I'll use it for good reasons.
I'm just jaded. Life is this hard. I can handle it, but honestly, WHY IS EVERYTHING SO EXPENSIVE! It wasn't this hard back in my parents days, and I hate how lucky the baby boomers are. How does society think young people are ever wanted to have the same things our parents want when it's just way too expensive. Meh. Alright I'm done, thank you for listening. 
