Bipolar Support Group

I actually found this site while searching for "In love with a bipolar man". I have been with a man for almost 8 months now that is bipolar. I am 30, he's 35. We have a long distance relationship; we met online. It was instant with us and he didn't hesitate in telling me that he is bipolar/manic. I knew...or thought I knew...what bipolar/manic meant, but what I knew was not even a scratch on the surface. Over the last 8 months I have learned so much through trial and error with him. I am an intelligent woman, you'd think I'd have started looking this up way before now...but while it has *always* been real for me, in 10 days we will be physically together for the first time. While we have had videos, webcams, pictures, texts, phones, emails, Skype, etc...the fact that my ticket is bought and I am getting on a plane in 10 days has really kicked it into reality.

I just read through 12 pages of posts and I can't count how many times tears came to my eyes. I have been so very confused...in my heart I know he loves me, that he is in love with me...but when those 'dark moods' (as I call them) hit then I could think he would care less if I fell off the face of the earth. He will *never* tell me that he does not love me, but he does get cold, distant, says he isn't 'in love', etc...he gets cruel to the point of saying things that are very hurtful...he will say I create drama, I whine/cry, he isn't in love(as I mentioned), etc...things that really rip your heart to shreds. He is *always* sorry afterward and apologizes. He has said he says things he doesn't mean when he's in that mood. I can't count how many times I've wondered if I'm crazy for believe that my heart *knows* he loves me and is in love, just as everyone else that knows us knows. And then I read post after post of women that are with bipolar men that are living the same agony...while I ache for them it does give my heart a bit of peace...I am not alone in this struggle...I haven't yet fallen of the peek of the insanity charts...I feel relieved in a sad way.

I love him, unconditionally, and more than I have ever loved another man. I have always been insecure(combine that with a bipolar man!! OUCH!!!!) but I have learned to reach beyond my insecurities, beyond my fears. I have learned to be patient and that I can be more patient than I ever thought about being. I have learned to be strong, stronger than I ever thought I could be...but I still stumble, I still fall and shatter from time to time.

My headache rampages as I write this...the last two days have been 'dark moods'...day before yesterday left me crushed because of his words and today he was angry with the world and then pulled himself into his shell. When he'd retreat and want to be alone it used to hurt me so badly...I didn't understand, I thought I was doing something wrong, I thought he didn't want me anymore, and a bunch of other things that were so very off track...I have learned that his space is NEEDED for our love to thrive, for us to not both end up in darkness battling each other. I still miss him and want to be with him, but I accept that space on his end is needed so that he doesn't hurt me more than necessary...and I know that in a day..or two...or three...the sun will shine once again and the stormy skies will clear leaving rainbows in their wake. In the dark times I cling to those sunny days...I cling to everything positive that I can so I don't get hurled into that darkness with him.

I have found his main trigger, it is making him feel or look at how he feels. For example, with this upcoming trip the plans just fell into place so I told him that I know he doesn't mind if I come, but I need to know that he wants me to. He was already a bit agitated with other things so he immediately went into that dark mood, throwing up that wall as I say. He immediately started answering from behind that wall with "well it is your decision to come here and i said yes. but i didn't ask". Ouch! It went on from there including things like he doesn't think about holding me, being able to reach out and touch me, etc...which I know is NOT true, I know for fact that he does, but he was in cruel mode striking out like a trapped animal(that is a visual I always seem to use). He finally said "Ok let's start over. Do I want to meet you? Yes. If that is what you want to know then that is the answer." I ask at that point, "Why is that so hard to do?" His answer, "I don't know." I reply, "Why hurt me to avoid answers?" He says, "I'm sorry." Then he loses his grip on the ladder and things plummet once again in the conversation.

It wasn't until last night that I was able to grasp the key that he held out to me...for once I was strong enough to see beyond the pain he was inflicting and I listened. Here is what was said:

Him: you sure you wanna do this? see how i get?

Me: I love you, (his name).

Me: I know when your wall is talking.

Me: And I know and understand why you are hurting me.

Me: My heart doesn't but my head does.

Him: no wall, just me. the wall is a part of me, my personality

Me: I know.

Him: and i dont like me

Him: sometimes

Me: I love you, even the parts that hurt me.

Me: You will believe that one day.

Me: I don't like you all of the time, I don't like being hurt. But I love you unconditionally. I understand what I've chosen.

Me: I know it will never be easy, but you are worth it.

Him: if you say so

Me: I do, and it's true.

I always show and tell this man how much I love him, how much I care and how much I want him. He needs that and I think all bipolar that are like him do because the hot and cold, the confusion, the conflicting emotions are just as miserable for them as it is for us, and perhaps even more so because then they have to bare the guilt of their actions on top of it all, they have to see the hurt in our eyes.

I am just a beginner in the 'bipolar love' world. I still have so very much to learn but I want to and I will because I want to build a future with this man. The only advice I have at this time for others in my shoes is to hang on tight because it's definitely one heck of a roller coaster that leaves you not knowing up from down sometimes and leaves your insides all jumbled!

Welcome to the group sarenity. Glad to have you. There are several people on this site that are in a realtionship with someone who has bipolar. This is a good step in helping to understand your friend.

I hope you find the support you need.

It can be a roller coaster ride but with the proper meds he can become stable.

((((((((hugs)))))))

Thank you MsMay! He is not on meds right now as he doesn't have insurance. I started looking into state help last night for his state. He has expressed the desire before for therapy and to help get it under control. As you know I'm sure, I have to tread lightly with this though because it can easily trigger his dark mood. I will find all the information about help he can get first and sit down with him when I get it all gathered.

I would like to welcome you to the group as well. Feel free to jump in anywhere. I am glad you found us.

Sarenity...he may feel pressured by meeting you. Maybe even shy about it. My advice would be to go slow.

Let us know how your visit goes. We are here for you.

Thank you Ele and Norma. I am so glad that I found this website. I really can't put into words how much all of this information that people share means. I seriously thought that I was going insane. I've read for hours and hours since I found it yesterday and tears constantly fill my eyes. It gives me hope...I don't feel so alone and deflated.

There are a few things that I think he is feeling about the trip. 1) I will BE THERE, and if his mood shifts he will have to *really* see the hurt in my eyes. I also think he's afraid that I am going to walk away. When he has bad 'episodes' he will say those things like "Are you sure you want this?" "Is this who you love?" etc.

2) This trip makes it completely real and he won't be able to hide his feelings when I am there. And when I leave he will miss me which will make him face his feelings again. He is so afraid to love, to take that risk...when he couldn't ignore the fact that he does love me he started with the "not in love" stuff. He is in love too...he knows it because he's said before "I think you are right."

3) I also think he may be afraid that I won't feel the same once we are together face to face. It's hard for him to believe how much I love him still and that I've been through a lot with him in the past 8 months and haven't walked away.

I'm sure there is probably more. I just wish he would trust that he has nothing to worry about...I've stayed by him for all this time without having the insights and tools that can be found here. I will update on how the trip goes for sure. =)

Thanks again!

Hey everyone... I wanted to update on the 'trip'. The first 3 days were great. The connection was instant and we were enjoying the time together. We kept it simple...stopping and cozy hugs. Day 3 his 'dark mood' started to hit, as in warning signs... I was not prepared for how it would be face to face in a bipolar downswing, I knew how to disconnect and support from afar but being *there* caught me off guard. Norma, you were quite right with how you thought he may feel. Which I thought would happen but not to the degree that it did. He went from being my best friend and loving partner to "We are only friends, that's all we've ever been, why don't you get that?" It was the worst I've seen yet in the change. I also found out that a couple weeks prior he started talking to someone else and was 'falling for her'...a week after we got my tickets...coincidence? I think not. It was ugly...I was shattered. I spent the last two nights in a hotel...both of which he came to visit. The last day I was there he broke it off with her(I found out through friends). That night when he asked to come over I wanted to be alone but what I heard in his voice changed my mind. He lashed out a bit while he was there but mostly he was just ashamed and sad but refused to say anything so I didn't push. Tuesday after I flew home he wouldn't really talk to me either, but Wednesday it finally started to come out. He said he lost his mind, I told him that's the first thing that made any sense out of it all. He asked me to give him another chance. He says he just wants to be friends, online and irl, which means he's trying to push me even further way. This is uncharted territory for me... At this point I am completely lost and not sure what to do. I'm sure many of you have been at these crossroads with your bipolar partner...what worked and didn't work for you? Any comments are appreciated.

Btw Norma, I bought that book and I'm reading it. It's a great book! *hugz*