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05/02/2012 05:47 AM

Sister, daughter, maybe mother bipolar

Wallyanna
Posts: 4
Member

hello to all,

I am new here. Hoping to get some insight into how I can keep my relationship with my daughter who lives far from me. She has three sons who are 10, 6 and 5 years old, I love her and my grandsons dearly! We get along pretty well, but of course she is moody. I never know, especially since she is so far away and I can't see her in person but a few times a year, if I might have somehow offended her. She's awfully busy with my grandsons of course, so when she doesn't call or text for a while, I just tell myself it is that.

But because my sister has gone so downhill, with medication abuse, ect, that she no longer communicates well, falls asleep mid sentence, and can't be trusted to be truthful about me to other family members, I have had to stop seeing her. It breaks my heart as we became very close as adults. I found that i triggered her to be mean to others, including my niece and grandnieces? My niece says my sister, her mother, gets depressed when I come around because she is extremely jealous of my happier life. Also I discovered that after seeing or talking to her or helping her financially, or taking her for a vacation, or whatever...she maligns me to other family members. She has been doing this for years, but I didn't suspect until my niece told me about it (her daughter.) I moved out of state for seven years for the sake of my husband's career, and that's apparently when her maliciousness toward me began. Since I wasn't around to find out, it went on for years, and alienated my other family members who, even knowing she had BP, believed her when she said I had changed, I was uppity, I said mean things about them to her (I didn't.) Has anybody else had this kind of experience with a BP sibling or family member?

Is this a common behavior for BPs? Will my dear and only daughter turn on me because of BP, and distance apart?

My daughter is far away due to son in law being military, so I am afraid if I move to where they live, they'll get

transferred somewhere else and I'll be stuck. So living closer isn't a realistic option right now.

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05/02/2012 08:53 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16712
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Your daughter would have to be more than just moody. There is depression and mania/hypo-mania involved with bipolar. The moods are extreme. I'm sure she is busy with her kids. Maybe that is why she is moody. I think you would need to get more information out of her. It's too bad you have had to cut it off with your sister. Her saying bad things about you isn't right. I am unsure if it has anything to do with bipolar. I have never just said bad things about anyone just for the heck of it. Others may be different. It sounds like she took advantage of you helping her financially and taking her on trips. It's good that your niece told you what she has been up to. I hope things start to look up and I'd definitely get more information out of your daughter. If she has the signs, she would need to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist. You can learn a lot here about bipolar disorder. Welcome to the group!

05/02/2012 09:30 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
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Hello and welcome. I agree with Joy in that moodiness doesn't necessarily mean bipolar is responsible. Abusing medications could very well be a source of it. I have never said mean things behind someone's back due to my bipolar. I get angry when I get manic and lash out suddenly, but it's just that, anger. It stops when the mania stops. Jealousy has nothing to do with bipolar. People without it can get very jealous. I wish I could say she will change her ways, but I can't not knowing the real reason behind them. I am sorry it came down to you having to cut off contact with her. Hopefully, she will eventually say why she feels the way she does toward you. Then you would be able to talk things through.

05/03/2012 02:08 AM
Wallyanna
Posts: 4
Member

Hello, and to Joy too. Thanks for responding.

I didn't make it clear, sorry. My daughter has been Dx with possible bipolar and PTSD. Not just moodiness, although I did say she was moody. We get along quite well, and love one another very much. She does not abuse drugs, and in fact was in the Navy after college, where drug testing is frequent! She is now the mother of three fine little sons and is doing a great job. I am close to her and proud of her. I wish we could live closer.

My worry stems from the fact that my sister who was my dear and best friend, after her Dx and meds began to see me as an enemy. We were so close, enjoyed and relied on one another in so many ways. Nothing changed except for her Dx and her meds. I fear that something similar might happen to my daughter, and I will "lose" her love and her trust.

Since I was not living in close proximity to my sister, though we saw each other as often as possible,Spoke a lot on the phone, I did not realize that she had begun to change toward me until after 7 years I moved back to my home state. Even then, my niece had to explain to me that now, instead of comforting aiding befriending beloving, I was "triggering"

unwanted, making her sicker.

Now my daughter lives far from me, is Dx bipolar, we are close by phone and as often as possible in person...can you see that there are these similar situations? I cannot bear to have my daughter go in the same directions as my sister

did, turning away from me, making me her enemy or trigger. This kind of loss is very hard to bear.

I know that you suffer. Those who love you suffer too. My question was honest, and I asked for your help and your opinions. So I ask again, is it usual this turning away from loved ones, or is it not? What can I do?

I know that sister didn't "do drugs" before her bipolar Dx. She was a nurse, and again, drug testing for employment was frequent where she worked so that's not my opinion only. So only after being first medicated, or overmedicated by her psychiatrist, did she begin to abuse prescription drugs. And only after meds did she begin to turn away from my deep and abiding love for her, eventually coming to see me as her enemy, and according to my niece I became a trigger for the worst symptoms of her illness. Only for her sake did I bow out, and it grieves me deeply.


05/03/2012 02:50 AM
Wallyanna
Posts: 4
Member

Sorry for replying to my own post, but I think you might be right. Sibling rivalry might have come into play with sister, which is a form of jealousy.

With the OD Rx, maybe she has regressed to a childlike sibling rivalry state? This is only a guess, I can't say for sure.

My mother was hers only, in a way, because I was far away; then I came back and she would have to share mama again. My mom is a complicated issue. My sister is very dependent on her, while being loving in mamas presence, she talks badly about her behind her back. Mom seems to like being needed by sister, and feels responsible to continue to help her. Mom is now 84, but goes by to sisters now hoarded home and tries to clean it up, washing piles of dishes, cleaning out rotted stuff from the unplugged fridge...ever seen the tv shows about hoarders? This too happened post Rx. But mom is a very controlling person too, and my sis resents that. I always stood up to mom, refused as an adult to be controlled or intimidated, but sister did not, preferring to be obedient at least in moms eyes, although she really had her own teen rebellion ect, mom never knew. Now sis says "Why doesnt she try to control your life?I despise her coming to my house." (recent baby shower, I got to see her again for a bit) I said, "maybe it does her good to feel needed, and you good to be helped, so maybe she isn't controlling so much now, but you are sort of helping each other?" I said this kindly gently, but then she got drowsy and fell asleep at the shower before responding. She was so vibrant, so smart...now conversation goes nowhere. She sleeps at her granddaughters baby shower. I am so so sad.

Anyhow, the point is that maybe this is only a sibling thing, and won't happen mother -daughter? Maybe I worry too much...Maybe no one has the answer I seek. Maybe living for this moment, this day, and loving as best we can is all we can do really?

I know I love my daughter so much, and as best I can, I show it.


05/03/2012 08:51 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16712
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Just because you have bipolar doesn't mean that you are going to turn against people. I've never turned against anyone let alone my family. In my honest opinion, her medications may not be right. If she is falling asleep at her granddaughter's baby shower, she could be over medicated. I think this has more to do with something else in my opinion. It does seem that you are a trigger for her. It's not your fault that you are, she has some unresolved feelings in her I'm thinking. You may be right and it is some jealousy. Our emotions can be really sensitive and I know before my medications, I could get angry at times, but with the proper medication, the ups and downs shouldn't be extreme like they seem to be. Of course everyone gets mad, sad, etc. When you are properly medicated it's more like that of a person considered "normal." She is unstable. She needs to get to stability somehow. Maybe her psychiatrist isn't good, maybe she is medication resistant, I don't know. Does she see a therapist? I think that would benefit her and her insecurities if she has any and help in dealing with you. I'm sorry that this has happened in your life. I can tell you though it doesn't mean your daughter will be the same way.

05/03/2012 10:25 AM
Wallyanna
Posts: 4
Member

Thank you both. You have helped more than you know. I wish both of you well, and hope that your lives are truly wonderful!

05/03/2012 10:36 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16712
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Feel free to continue to post. You can learn a lot about bipolar her reading through other's experiences. I hope you find it helpful here and comfortable. Smile
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