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01/28/2012 08:00 PM

Hi everyone, new and feeling alone

afuriouslife
afuriouslife  
Posts: 32
Member

Hello,

My name is Mariesa and I have just recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Mixed after years of being misdiagnosed. All of my life it seems I have been misunderstood. I was always being written off. Oh she's just a difficult child. Oh she's just a moody teenager. She's just depressed. It's only anxiety. Only up until a couple months ago was I finally properly diagnosed.

I just never felt right. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was always crawling and scratching to get out. My frustrations were impossible to quell. I've always felt very aggitated for no reason. I've had violent reactions, getting into fights and destroying property. I've hurt the people I love with my words and I never know why I even react the way I do. Even something simply can set me off. I snap all the time and I just get mean. I'm unable to make decisions. I have no impulse control. Between my brain and my mouth there is absolutely no pause. It's almost like it isn't even me speaking. It is awful and I hate it. I have not being in control of myself. Please tell me someone else feels the same. Does anyone else have this problem?

No one believes me. They believe I have a disorder, but they all think I can control it myself. That I fabricate most of it and that I use it as an excuse or a crutch. That absolutely kills me inside. It hurts so bad and no one could even imagine how it makes me feel inside. I get so distressed I nearly pull my hair out. When I'm having a depressive episode I can't be pulled out of it. I punch my legs. I break things (not all the time, I'd have no home decor left), yank at my hair. I even try to slap myself out of it. (t's just this overwhelming, overbearing blanket that surrounds me and I cannot get out or escape it. And it all just builds up inside. I don't know what to do.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to push everyone away from me. I have an unhealthy need for love. My worst fear is to be alone and I'm nervous that my disorder will ultimately leave me standing all by myself. I currently do see a psychiatrist regularly, and I was on Lithium, but it made me break out horribly (I have a history with acne so that was a definite no no ) so now I'm on Lamictal. I'm also on birth control, and I've heard from various sources that it can affect the way Lamictal works. Does anyone have any information on this? Or any information at all?

Any thoughts, ideas, opinions or even relative stories would be appreciated. I just don't want to feel so isolated and alone anymore.

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01/28/2012 08:31 PM
NostalgicMom
NostalgicMom  
Posts: 126
Member

Hello Mariesa,

I have been diagnosed as Bipolar I on August of last year. For years I was misdiagnosed with depression and treated with talk and cognitive behavioral therapy. Both items worked temporarily. Unfortunately, my diagnosis came after a manic episode that caused havoc in my life. I went from living with my husband and kids and being married to being separated with my husband placing a restraining order against me after I had a nervous breakdown that became violent. He did not get hurt.

Before I got medicated I also had abrupt reactions over small things, especially at home. Those got worse once I had children and many arguments with my husband. I do know the feeling of not being able to control how I react, and I have said mean things to my loved ones as a result. Sometimes it feels that frustration and anger overtake me.

Regarding people thinking you can control this disorder by yourself, and that you excuse your behavior on your illness, they are mistaken. Regarding the severity of your depressive episode, have you spoken to your psychiatrist? Also, to control reactions cognitive behavioral therapy is very useful. It teaches you to change your thoughts to control anger, frustration, and other strong feelings.

Also, a healthy lifestyle and plenty of sleep will help you to conquer the BP. Controlling bp by reducing detrimental behaviors is key to lead a productive, fulfilling life with friends and others that love you. I lost a lot as a result of my manic episode, even access to my children was restricted and supervised.

You are not alone in your fight to control BP. This forum is a great place to find support.

A hug for you and wish you the best.


01/28/2012 09:57 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16595
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I was misdiagnosed with depression until 2009. Now I am stable with the help of medications. I used to feel the way you are describing. It's an awful feeling and a lot of people end up not liking you, but it hasn't been your fault really. You have had an illness. It's not an excuse I agree, It's a reason. Now you are getting treatment and that is good. You will find stability hopefully soon. I'm sorry Lithium didn't work out for you. I take Lamictal and it's a great medication as long as you are able to take it. I'm unsure if birth control affects the Lamictal though. I've not heard of that. I'm sure your psychiatrist will know if you ask him.

It sounds like you don't have a lot of support in your life from the people that you care about. I'm sorry for this. People without bipolar can't understand because they don't suffer from it. They can try to understand though. You aren't alone anymore. You have us to talk to and confide in. We will be here for you. Make sure to keep taking your medications, don't go off them on your own even if you feel better. There is a reason you would be feeling better. I'm glad you joined. Welcome to the group!


01/29/2012 05:35 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Welcome to the group. I used to get very angry and sometimes rages to the point of breaking things when manic. I still would I am certain were it not for the medications I am on. Please don't be too hard on yourself, while bipolar isn't an excuse, it is an explanation and that should be a relief to you. It was to me because it explained my past behavior, that I wasn't just a total loser jerk.

It would be wonderful if you had support from people in your life, but it sounds like you don't and I am sorry for that. I suggest perhaps giving them something to read that explains bipolar disorder so they can understand that it isn't something you can just flip a switch and turn off. As you get stabilized with medications, your behavior will change and you'll be more like the real you, who I think it probably a really nice person. Be patient because it takes a little while to find the right medications that will fully work for you. So keep your pdoc (psychiatrist) informed of your progress so he/she can adjust or add medications as needed.

Here is a link to the government's National Institutes of Health website's section on bipolar. Read it and see if it would be helpful to print off and give to the important people in your life to help them understand better what you are facing:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar- disorder-easy-to-read/index.shtml

Feel free to join in elsewhere and to PM (private message) me or any other group leader if you want/need to.


01/29/2012 01:49 PM
afuriouslife
afuriouslife  
Posts: 32
Member

Hey everyone, thanks so much for responding. I didn't even think someone would. I guess I'm just paranoid. It is so nice to hear that there are other people like me, who have these insufferable feelings and emotions. It's really hard just to get through the day sometimes. I'm going through an awful depressive episode right now. I don't want to get out of bed. I feel like the last person on earth, totally segregated from the rest of the world. This disorder has really chewed up my life. I've been arrested twice and almost a third time a few nights ago after threatening a woman. It makes me hate the way I am. I feel like my true personality can never get through.

01/29/2012 05:49 PM
lj80
Posts: 354
Member

Welcome to the board and trust me when I say that you are not alone. I had a friend that told me once that deppression was from a weak mind....well that friend is not my friend anymore and the words that came out of my mouth I didn't regret.

The people around you that think that it's an excuse are not your support system, they either have no clue or don't want to know or accept that you are sick. When they say "play the BP card" or "the deppressed card" they don't understand that it's not as easy as saying "BE HAPPY".

I've always had a fast mouth at commenting but I find I'm just defending alot of times. When someone insults my kids or my wife/GF I am not going to be nice.

Just remember that you are not alone and that you are sick. Try to find the combo of meds that work for you and try to find a balance in your life. I am on Lamictal too and it wasn't perfect and we had to add Seroquel to get me to sleep, which is very important. Everyone has a different mix.


01/29/2012 08:43 PM
Eric17
Eric17  
Posts: 370
Member

Hey Mariesa:

As the others have said; you are so not alone! Much of your introduction could have been written by me. Since childhood I have good 'moments' rather than the 'good years' many talk of. I too was the overly shy kid, the angry and screwed-up juvenile who just needed to 'straighten up' (even after a long stay at the local psych ward... WTF right?), the high schooler who was 'eccentric' and didn't fit in, the young adult who became addicted to exercise and the endorphins it releases, the young man who was given round after round of anti-depressants only to bounce from depression to mixed episodes until finally diagnosed by a great Pdoc. A decade and a half of moderate denial and assuming my docs were always right when they said all I needed was more meds, I came out of the chemical straight-jacket that too much anti-psychotic meds produced. Now I am fully aware and accept that I have a very serious brain disorder. I am working towards that middle ground; just enough meds to keep things from getting out of control, therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy, talk therapy) to help ME control ME (versus more meds to 'dull' my emotions), and working very hard to learn healthy coping skills regarding relationships and tossing the bad ones aside.

I would highly suggest educating yourself as much as possible regarding this illness; the meds used, and the benefits of a holistic approach to treating it. As NostalgicMom mentioned, a healthy lifestyle (SLEEP, diet, exercise, managing stress), therapy, and meds can all be used in concert to manage the symptoms of BP quite well.

Here's a great start: http://www.psycheducation.org/

I wish you the very best.

Eric


01/29/2012 09:33 PM
Analogdog
Analogdog  
Posts: 502
Member

I have broken things in rages, screamed at people only to be remorseful 15 minutes later, when the victim is all distraught and not wanting to talk. Some how, my wife put up with that for 12 years, before I tripped over a psychotic break.

I was raised by an undiagnosed bipolar mom, who was resentful at her unplanned forth child. This resentment has dogged me my whole life, and after diagnosis it hit me like a semi truck on the freeway. So I go to therapy twice a week.

Best wishes.


01/30/2012 04:20 PM
afuriouslife
afuriouslife  
Posts: 32
Member

Analogdog, I also was raised by a mother who goes undiagnosed. Unfortunately she never will seek treatment because she thinks she is perfectly normal. To this day we dont get along. I will never have that "bond" that some daughters have with their mom and honestly I have accepted it. Reading everyone's replies is so amazing as I never could have imagined that someone else let alone multiple people feel the same way I do. I thought I was alone in my aggravations and social irritability. I always thought it was just me, but now I know I always have someone to talk to.

01/30/2012 05:22 PM
pip4p
Posts: 123
Member

Lordy,Lordy, I think I must have given you the shoes I once

walked in. I now know I was Bp at a time when it was not recognized in children. I grew up thinking what I felt was normal. I grew up with the background whispers of something's wrong with her, but being a child, I thought I was normal. I was a difficult child, a more difficult teenager,

amd all I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted. What I really needed was a responsible adult who got me professional help. I was always on the outside looking in. That's the negative side which was painful. The positive side is I developed a strength to eventually overcome the rejection which to this day is still sensitive but not devastating. It was a hard and painful process to say the least and I learned to be aware of my moods and when to engage and when to not. Who to trust and who to not.

I was finally diagnosed when I was in my 50's and once I went on medication I was astounded and angry to find out that what I had always felt was not what "normal" people felt. Medication has saved my life and has been a constant juggling of meds and doses.

Please recognize that this is chemically caused, a lifetime proposition over which you are the manager. Learn to know your red flags and

understand what medication is not working. Have a good practitioner

who knows their doo doo about bpism. The doc and the meds and you all have to work together. Keep us posted

Post edited by: pip4p, at: 01/30/2012 05:24 PM

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