Bipolar Support Group

Hello all, this is my first post and is my story. Its a long one...

I have been with my wife for almost 14 years, and we have been acquainted for just under 19. We got together over a period of close friendship, where we became each other's rocks in time of need and developed a very close bond that naturally progressed into a relationship. At first it was fantastic, but then arguments about minor things started - I would withdraw and she would make the trip all the way to my place, or have her sister drive her, and she would throw rocks at my window until I came down. After a few of these episodes she revealed that she suffered from depression and had been on and off medications and in the hospital on several occasions and that this was causing her to act out. We worked through these issues and at the time she agreed that she needed help and so we carried on our relationship, which grew stronger as time went on. About 2 years in, after the death of her father, she cheated on my with some guy from work, apparently only one time but for weeks after she had a fixation on him and idealized just about everything about him. I even (foolishly) let her take him by car to see is grandfather in another city. She did come around and we dealt with it and through treatment she was diagnosed as bipolar. After different cocktails of meds were tried she had a severe episode where she took all her lithium and mood stabilizers at the emergency room, giving her a one way pass to the ward for about 2 weeks where she was combative for the first few days. Eventually she had come out of the fog, and after some frank discussion she decided to return home on the other side of the country to go to university, and we would be together in a long-distance relationship with me visiting every month or two. At this time with the help of her therapist out East, she backed off the meds due to the severe side effects she was experiencing. For a long while, she was totally fine, did well at uni, and we got along fine during visits. Then, I decided to take a teaching position in her home town and relocated to that city. On the drive out, she had another episode where she wanted to be left by herself in the middle of the country but I managed to talk her down and continue our journey. When we arrived in her home town we lived with many ups and downs in our relationship and especially with her and work. We had wonderful times, throughout these years travelling and doing fantastic things and activities, growing as people and with each other - life with a bipolar isn't always hell, often it is pure joy and that is why I have stayed for so long with her, she is such a special person. That is why we married in 2004, and it was fantastic. As for work she has never been able to hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Always something blows up with co workers, clients or customers to prompt her quitting or being fired. Throughout our relationship this was always the case. I knew she was sick, all I ever did for her was support her in her choices and try to be an ear for her.

Later on we relocated back out west to the mountains, after she had exhausted her employment connections and our money supply, and after a crisis where we had to make some difficult personal decisions (I'll just leave it at that) she had another affair with a coworker. This time she was mortified and terrified that I would leave her. And I very nearly did. She left to a mutual friend's place for several weeks while I sorted my head and the situation. Ultimately it came back to whether or not I loved this person and I did, though the behaviour slices my souls to bits. I suggested counselling which we then did for a time. Things improved, and one thing that was prevalent after marriage were her threats to leave often during arguments over trivial things. When I let her carry on and leave to the car to sit, she would storm back in demanding to know why I didn't fight for her. This happened often, and we did have a long discussion with the counsellor about that... it did settle down for a while. Then, once again, after employment options were exhausted she decided she wanted to go to school on the west coast. I put in my notice and we moved (fortunately I work in a field that allows me to be fairly mobile). Our first few months in the new city were hell...she became withdrawn, very very angry, argumentative, physical sometimes with me and even our dog felt the wrath. I very nearly left her at that point, but then it did gradually improve with a lot of talking and working through things. Her schooling didn't work out. Neither had her employment, but partially by choice - she seemed to sabotage any clear employment opportunity and for nearly the last year she hasn't worked at all. Had some savings she lived on and spent time visiting her mother in Florida, and her aunt back east... which is where the real story begins.

For these 14 years, I have been told by her, that I am her saviour - I am the most patient man in the world (and I am) and the most understanding (guilty as charged), funny, realistic etc. etc... and yes all of these I am. I have never made her feel poorly about her condition, I have never made her feel guilty or under appreciated for the things she does actually do (she was exceptionally well organized, kept me, the nutty professor in check, as well as the house spotless etc.... ). I was always smitten with her. She recieved a kiss and an "I love you" every morning when I left for work. Every day I told her she was beautiful. Every day I made sure she recieved a positive compliment or reinforcement about her as a person. Not because I was attempting to treat her disease, but because I simply loved her. I show my emotions and love - she received this all the time. Our pictures, photos, cards and notes showed this.

Then, suddenly on her trip to visit her Aunt, unknown to me, she met up with an old high school friend who offered to ferry her around to various spots she wished to visit while back in her home town. According to her, after two afternoons, she was in love. She returned home, after 14 days where we were buying a new home and preparing for a month long vacation to Asia. She carried on with him during this time, and all the time on our trip. She became severely on the final week of our journey, and I nursed her back to manageable health to get her on the 21 hours of flying required to come home, and drove her straight to the hospital for testing. She's fine now, no worries much of the preventative measures saved her some serious treatment and after effects. A week after that, after I had made her favourite breakfast in bed, she said we needed to talk. At first it was that she wasn't happy and she wanted to move back to her home town to figure her life out. Then, after a break in the conversation, she admitted there was "someone else"... I was devastated. She told me when and how it happened and how she had carried on all this time, during our amazing trip and all with this guy. She then asked if she could stay until just before Christmas to move. I told her if she was going to take up with this guy then clearly, no. Understanding the reality of logistics I finally agreed to the end of November - 10 days. During this incredibly difficult time she acted as though nothing was wrong, even wanted to go for dinner and outings as if everything was normal. She mentioned only once that she felt she was making a big mistake - I told her that I am here for her and the marriage, but we must see a counsellor, live apart for a few months (she could move in with her sister nearby), and most importantly she would have to sign and adhere to no contact with this other man. She said she couldn't cut off contact with him and needed him in her life - I said you realize you are choosing him over me. She said well I want you both in my life....clearly not making sense. I said that if she is moving out we have to do a separation agreement and I had her removed from the title of the property (it was bought with inherited funds, not common marital property)... and this was done before she left on the beginning of December. I mentioned that this was difficult for me being Christmas and being left alone she said "well you'd just complain if it was Valentines day, or Easter, or some other holiday, what's the difference".... hurt me so much. She left on the 4th, I have pretty much been N/C since. Then, she decided to go to another city where we have many very close mutual friends and spend christmas with them. I have been getting emails from them and seeing things on Facebook with her acting in full mania and posting what a wonderful time she is having almost rubbing it in my face. I wrote her a letter and sent it to her telling her that I know this is probably a difficult time for her too (she cried when she left, said I deserved better and I was so handsome and sweet etc., but still left) and that I do love her but understand and respect her decision and that I am focussing on myself also. I said that I'll always love her and be here for her. She contacted me Christmas day to thank me for the letter and it meant a lot to her, and she loves me too.... but that was about it. No further contact since, and she is now enroute back to her home town to basically 'consummate' the relationship with this man.

I dearly love her, and miss her terribly. I have had a lot of time to think, rationally (as I am a rational person), and I do care for this funny, sweet, smart, beautiful, sexy, and terribly troubled person. I cannot choose who I love, and I love her - I went into this knowing full well the ride I was getting on but never had expected to be treated so cruelly, and indifferently as this time. Its been a month of constant tears. I cry at my desk, the hallways of the offices, supermarket, in my car, at home.... my friends have been amazing with me but it just doesn't fill this enormous hole in my humanity. Does anyone have any words or insight that can help me cope? At this point my soul is dying.

zappledapple I have no advice ofr you but I wanted to welcome you and tell you that I am very sorry for your raw pain. I know there aren't really words of comfort from a stranger that could do much but you are in my thoughts. I can't imagine how you must feel. I wish you all the best even if right now it is just to get through one moment at a time and remember to breathe.

I know just how you feel. I am going thru it right now, myself.

My girlfriend of 4 years just broke-up w/ me on the 10th. We were discussing Christmas Tree shopping, we had been having a normal morning, she was making me laugh, telling me how pretty my eyes are, hugging.....watching movies and eating. She went to take a shower and I guess that is when the love went down the drain because she came back and said that we needed to talk, she didn't love me anymore, and she began to cry. She said similar stuff, like she thought I deserved so much more, someone who loves me and wants to settle down. I am so great and so talented, she said. Within minutes she was gone, moving back in w/ her Mom.

When we met 4 years ago, it was love at first sight. We spent all our time together, had the same work and school schedules etc...

S

We became close very fast and we shared everything. She told me about her history w/ bi-polar and depression running in her family. I still had no clue. I had never dealt with it. people don't just fall outta love.

After being together for 5 or 6 months we were so happy, still giddy, couldn't get enough of eachother. Then she dumped me outta the blue. We had just spoken on the phone a couple hours earlier that day and were making plans for our night, we said we loved eachother and couldnt wait to see eachother later. Only now when I phoned her back she began to cry and say she wasn't in love w/ me and wasn't ready to settle down. I deserved so much more she said. She had cherished the time we had together and she had loved me. Same stuff as she said this time.

The 4 years that we have been together have been great for me. We live together and have built a life together. We never fight, we have never cheated. She tells me regularly how thankful she is for me. I have brought her closer to her family, provided stability and security, no-one has ever loved her and accepted her more. She always speaks of how she loves our house and she is so thankful that she doesn't have to live w/ her Mom anymore and she has got her life so together. She credits me for making her a better person, tells me she loves me everyday and yes, I too kiss her every morning before leaving for work. We were in love I thought. Now out of the blue she wants the opposite of everything she talks about being thankful for. She's back living with her Mom, she doesn't wanna be settled down, she wants freedom and doesn't wanna take me for granted. We have never gone this long w/o seeing eachother. Her emails are so business like, I have gotten 7 bounced check notices in the mail for her since she has been gone, she maxed out her credit card and she has completely moved out. Just like that.

Recently she has spoken of wanting to lessen her meds, we talked about it because of course it scared me. The side effects of the meds has been coming up in conversation lately. She confessed to forgetting to take them a couple weeks ago, but then assured me she was back on track and not to worry. The week leading up to the break-up I suspected that she was skipping them. When she left me she didnt take them with her, she came back two days later to get them but I can't help but wonder if she is taking them or not.

I don't feel like I know her anymore. I am broken-hearted just like you. I feel your pain.

If it is any solace to you two, take comfort in the fact that these ladies most likely come down from their manias with regrets for ending the wonderful relationships they had. You can choose to outwait the mania and approach the women then or not.

I hope for healing for you both and peace. Take care.

I think about that sometimes but then have to put it out of my mind. I want her to come back, but I don't. I don't want to think that she will and give myself false hope. Many of my friends and family have said the same thing, though. She seems convinced that she has made the right decision. It is all so confusing and I can't wait to feel better.

These forums have really helped. Everyone is so open and supportive. I don't know what I'd do w/o this website at my fingertips.

Thanx for the feed back YorkieLove.

My heart goes out to yall. Your posts gave me a perspective of what my bf goes through, and it makes me appreciate him even more.

Prayer helps. Pray for healing for them AND yourselves, and it will get easier. Keep coming back.

Its so hard to consider that option when you know the circumstances surrounding their departure and mania. Sure, they had little if any control over their impulses and choices however the devastating effects of betrayal are profound and are difficult to overcome by the other partner. When it is compounded repeatedly, a person reaches their limit of how much pain they can endure, and waiting then seems so futile. This is the 3rd time she has been unfaithful and incredibly so. I have been strong for so long but I think maybe this time I won't have it in me. I made one final appeal before she hooks up with this guy on NYE, to tell her I'm here and that I need to fight for this one last time to stop it, asking for her to reconsider exchanging us for what is likely only a mirage...foolish I know. I think if she carries on, I cannot continue and will have to start filing for divorce.

I have made no appeals. Part of me can't help but trust what she feels is real, because I have always believed in her. The other part of me doesn't believe she would or could ever be so irrational and just leave me, so it MUST be her disease.

You are right, though, a person can only endure so much pain. She knows she has hurt me beyond anything I have ever been through. She knows I feel abandoned, I have been abandoned. I have told her that I do not want to speak to her or see her. I have reached my pain level, for sure, and can hardly handle it. I won't go thru it again.

My Mom made a good point when she said, "If she has done it once, she will do it again." Well she was right because she has done it twice.

I feel for you so much and I hope that you are able to find your way thru this and discover happiness again. I have the same hopes for myself .

Today was the worst. I spent most of it in the bathroom at work sobbing uncontrollably, I had panic attacks and eventually had to call the crisis line. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown over this. It hurts so much, and I miss her so much - even if I could just talk to my best friend. I feel so alone.

I have had so many days like that so far. It is like a roller coaster and I can't get off. I am SO confused at how she can say that she doesn't love me anymore and be gone in a flash. I miss her beyond words, she was also my best friend, the person who was always there thru thick and thin. Poof, she's gone. It is still so hard to wrap my brain around it.

I have sobbing issues at work at random. I'll just be sitting here and all of a sudden a wave of such sadness and loss hits me and I break.

I feel very alone too. I am lucky to have a big support system around me, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have that. Do you have people around you that love you that you can lean on?