Bipolar Support Group

I'm new to the group and have been encouraged to share a little about myself...

My name is Kerry. I have a family history of mental illness and substance abuse, particularly my father who left me when I was 9 (I suspect he has the same illness as me, however he doesn't see the "ups" as a problem, only the depression) which lead to quite a hurtful childhood. Although we have regained contact with one another and have been working to put our relationship back together, it left scars.

I have lived with depression ever since I can remember, even as quite a young child. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after a school councillor had me referred to a centre for youths with mental illness. While I accepted the diagnosis at the time, over time I noticed that whatever I had was very different to others I knew with depression.

One day I ended up in the A&E unable to remember how I got there. That day I met an amazing doctor, unfortunately I have no memory of his name, what he looked like or what we talked about for the hour and a half that I sat talking to him apart from a story he told me about a friend of his from medical school that had bipolar. I never saw him again but he encouraged me to seek further help and a second opinion regarding my diagnosis. I began seeing a doctor through my university clinic who referred me to a mental health clinic where I was diagnosed with bipolar II and began seeing a psychiatrist once per month to monitor my medication and a psychologist every two weeks. This went well for some time but I was found to have treatment resistant depression, any anti depressant I tried would seem to work for the first couple of weeks (perhaps a placebo effect or the result of my own optimism that finally I may have found something that would help) before my depression resumed. I also hated every mood stabiliser I was prescribed as I enjoyed the energy and productivity that came along with my hypo-mania and couldn’t stand feeling like a zombie all day and barely having the energy to get out of bed in the morning. I left the clinic feeling frustrated and helpless and have been looking for a support group ever since

I also suffer from social anxiety over being judged because of my illness and a multitude of eating difficulties which I won’t get into here

K

Post edited by: krom006, at: 12/12/2011 03:03 PM

' I also hated every mood stabiliser I was prescribed as I enjoyed the energy and productivity that came along with my hypo-mania and couldn’t stand feeling like a zombie all day and barely having the energy to get out of bed in the morning"

I feel exactly the same, even to the point were I wonder if its worth having the few weeks of depression so I can get the high's, I hate this feeling of nothing my meds give me, I just feel like nothing matters life is now one big lazy meh..

So you aren't on any medications? I am stable because of the medication mix I take. It takes awhile to find that mix, but once you do, things change for the better. I hope you will give medications another chance. I don't feel like a zombie at all. I don't even feel like I take anything. I know I do, but the medications have me stable where I can function like people without bipolar. I understand you being anxious over being judged because of the illness. You don't have to tell people that you have bipolar. You can just tell who you feel comfortable telling. It's no one's business. I am open with my illness. If people don't like me because of the bipolar, then I figure it's their loss. This is a great support group and will get a lot of support and opinions. We care about each other here and want the best for each other. We listen, learn, and help. Welcome to the group!!

At the moment I take Citalopram, though I havn't noticed any improvement what so ever. In the past I have been on (either on their own or in combination with another drug) Lexapro, Prozac, Seroquel, Nortriptyline, Diazapam, sodium-valproate, and others I can't remember the name of

I am open to trying new medications or combinations of meds, but feeling spaced out during the transition from one into the other is horrible and defeating when nothing seems to work or the side effects are intolerable

Post edited by: krom006, at: 12/12/2011 09:59 PM

Hi Krom006,

welcome to this wonderful site.

The first step to getting better and taking charge is to arm yourself with knowledge...know your illness and yourself well.

You are definitely a survivor! Your past family life had to be very difficult and no one comes out untouched. I certainly hope that you do not feel responsible in any way. Though your parents may have battled their own demons when you were a little girl, every child needs to feel security, unconditional love and acceptance which are to be provided by parents. These are innate needs. When these needs are not met, one will look for them during a lifetime and may be affected by it also for a lifetime if not dealt with appropriately. The road is rocky but I am sure you can do it. Surround yourself by people who are well and who can support you.

Citalopram is in the medication class (SSRI: selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) which works very well for straight forward depression but does not good results in the context of BP II. In fact, that is one of the cues to diagnosis.

Meds such as Lamictal and Valproic acid (Epival)..you tried this....are better choices.

Joy75 gave excellent advice. It often takes a long time to get to the right mix just for you as it is very subjective. A good psychiatrist will try several options and it may take some trial and error before you get to the right recipe...just don`t give up.

Be strong and don`t give up!

maclean

welcome to MDJ, krom006...

the meds trail is not an easy path- cold comfort, i know, and especially when so much of the early days on it seem to be all about 'stabilizing'. it's important, as we know, but one of the "side effects" often seems to be the disappearance of not only hypo-mania but anything like it...

by that i mean any sort of feeling of energy, inspiration, excitement...?

that's certainly been part of my experience and as ever, i could be projecting about that.

one of the things that's worked for me is that in addition to citalopram, i have also been prescribed a time-release amphetamine. taken together with the citalopram, it keeps my highs and lows in check, but also gives me just a bit of a lift that most days lets me get moving to the point where i can develop some positive momentum on the day...

it's also meant my caffeine consumption has gone way down...

for what it's worth,

d

Hey Kerry:

Glad you found us As the others have mentioned; it can take quite a while to find the right combination of meds/lifestyle/therapy to tame this illness. And, I must say, I agree with you regarding the side-effects of the meds. Trading the disruptions of bp for the life of a zombie is not worth it (in my opinion). Neither bring happiness and lets face it, life is too short to accept less than optimal. I finally found my drug of choice in Lithium and finally feel close to what I imagine 'normal' is. While learning, don't forget to dig into lifestyle issues (sleep, diet, exercise) and therapy choices (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is great for BP)...

I wish you the best and please stick around... We'll help in any way we can.

Eric