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01/17/2009 10:23 PM

hope u guys "get it"

kyle2009
kyle2009Posts: 91
Member

Hi there - After 10 or 20 years of handling it myself (uppers, downers, etc) I finally dragged myself to the doc and got my BP type II diagnosis. Started therapy yesterday and meds next week. Good thing too, since i'm starting to feel a bit isolated with the symptoms that others cant seem to "get".

For example, walking home from work yesterday and was listening to my favorite song on the shuffle. Its L'innocent from Kooza. During my last depression my spouse dragged me to see the production. Suffice it to say that the song, lights and intense performance lanced my depression like a laser beam through the night. So....good song Smile

Anyway...walking home and this song is filling me.... then its overflowing, lifting, and I feel as if it could actually lift me.....to something amazing, if I only let it. Up above, in the music that surrounds, there is a perfect merging of me and what would finnaly fulfill me. Just gotta let the music lift me there, right? So, if I could only push up, and lift myself off the ground I could BE WITH that feeling...merge with it. And, as im feeling this I come to overpass over the freeway with a beautiful view of the skyline in the distance. And for a brief moment a part of me says 'ooooo! PERFECT!'. A split second later the rest of me says 'oh shit Sad'. I cried most of the way home.

Tell me im not alone....

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01/18/2009 06:12 AM
Ele
Posts: 2030
Senior Member

You are not alone. We are all bipolar or love someone who is. Music can feel like it is talking just to me sometimes. I haven't wanted to merge with it but I have been really high and out of my head in other ways.

Welcome to the group! I am glad you are finally getting help. Self medicating can be really destructive. I did it for years off and on with alcohol. I just started getting worse and it stopped working for me. It was like my best friend turned on me.


01/18/2009 06:16 AM
TerriTee
TerriTee  
Posts: 3989
VIP Member

Welcome to the site, kyle. You don't have to feel alone anymore Smile

Post edited by: TerriTee, at: 01/18/2009 06:16


01/18/2009 06:25 AM
kyle2009
kyle2009Posts: 91
Member

Thanks Ele. Same here with the alcohol.... can still usually count on it to whip me around 180. Often I get lucky and it leaves me at neutral for about 48 hours. Thus the paradox! For a short term fix it is IDEAL. But the swings get bigger. Im really hoping psychopharm has something better to offer.

The desire to merge with something perfect comes at both the heights and the depths. Has an effect on relationships too. Turns out other people dont always WANT to merge. Who knew? Smile


01/18/2009 06:26 AM
zinnia
zinniaPosts: 3990
VIP Member

welcome, kyle. you're not alone. i've had those moments that feel like perfect clarity and then poof they turn to shit. it's a horrible feeling. the meds should help get some of that under control, plus you'll be able to come here and get support from some great people, a lot of whom are the best friends i have ever made.

peace.


01/18/2009 09:03 AM
FUBARed
noHope  
Posts: 118
Member

music always "talks" to me. depending upon which side of my BP i'm on it can have a powerful effect.

Since i have mixed episodes i come and go at the same time. ick.


01/18/2009 09:35 AM
kyle2009
kyle2009Posts: 91
Member

yup...im apparently mixed too! I can be grieving with "superman" in the morning and flying with "no one" (the last part oh-oh-oh-oh-oh) in the evening.

01/18/2009 09:35 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

AS a guitarist, music has great power over me. I tend to go into it heavily went depressed. Then I end up listening to very somber music (classical) and that brings me down ever more, but I am so drawn to it. I tend to write more when depressed as well. Just can't focus enough when hypomanic.

01/19/2009 08:59 AM
jeffb
Posts: 10
Member

Wow, I had no idea this happened to anyone else! The "merging", "perfect clarity" yes! Sorry, I'm not really that excited about it, but I do have times when a song will just take me away to this golden city in the clouds and I would finally be fulfilled or I'll have this brief moment of clarity. I've had this several times throughout my life.

During my manic episode though, just about every song was talking to me and imparting advice. Like no matter what radio station I turned to the songs would be giving me answers when I asked it questions.

Thanks for sharing.

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