Bipolar Support Group

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Hi all supporters,

Sorry in advance for the length of this post, I feel that you need to know how it all started for it to make more sense.

This is my 1st post here, I'm really looking for someone to vent to who understands. And from reading lots of posts I think this is the right place.

It all started in 1999 when I met a guy in a pub and that night we spontaneously took a flight to another state where we carried on at more pubs and started to fall in love. I'd never experienced such spontaneity before and was literally swept off my feet.

From there we pretty much didn't part from eachother, we worked out we wanted kids together and wanted to be together forever. A few weeks later he told me that he got depression and had been on effexor for 2 years, I didn't think anything of it at the time as I had been depressed before and wasn't all that educated about it at the time(plus I was inlove), and he seemed pretty damn happy at the time.

His Grandmother had just passed away at this time and his relationship with her in the past was horrible as she was her guardian after his Mum died of an asthma attack in front of him when he was 9.

So he received quite a sum of inheritence and was spending like crazy.

He had this dream of opening his own restaurant from his home as he was a chef, so I decided to move in with him and help him as I was a waitress.

We ended up opening the restaurant, but as we were in a small country town we had a lot of free loaders drop in with drugs, alcohol etc(which we didn't mind at 1st), and it all ended up too depressing for us both,(especially him) and we were losing heaps of money on the business. so we closed it down and just carried on getting stoned, drunk and dealing etc and he practically lived infront of a computer screen.

At this time he was spending most of the day in bed with depression or on the computer and we argued heaps and he kept telling me to leave etc.

We stayed together, both got into studying and moved away back to the city to start again and moved in with my Mum and Dad for a while. Straight away I found out I was pregnant after 2 years of trying. So we were both ecstatic, he got a new job,we got a new place to live,then we had a baby boy, then we got married.

Things were great for a while, he still continued on his effexor and life was great until our son was around 4 months old, he all of a sudden changed completely and decided he was going to give up everything at once(cigarettes, alcohol and dope). So I supported him and did the same(for him and my son), but eventually he turned against anyone who drank and smoked and slowly cut me off from seeing my family as they're big drinkers. From there he somehow got me to side with him by cutting me off completely from my parents and isolating me. 8 months later I finally talked him around to getting in touch with my parents. Then as soon as we made up with them, he decided he wanted to move states,'cause he was depressed and wanted a better future(I think they may have upped his effexor dosage at some stage around here.

So we ended up moving, and it was good and peaceful at first, then he got more bored and depressed. I eventually fell pregnant again after 8 months of trying, which made me happy.

Then he decided to enrol in a 6 year degree as well as working full time. I wasn't happy as I was about to have a baby and knew he wouldn't have any time for the kids if he had a 6 year degree.

But he did it anyway even though it upset me, and life turned into boredem and isolation for me as all he did was go to work and come straight home to study every weekday, then on the weekend he'd be on the computer from when he got up till when he went to bed. And my son and myself couldn't talk to him, 'cause he was that wrapped up in the computer screen that if we yelled out for help he wouldn't even have heard. At the times that we did get his attention(very rarely) we'd get snapped at.

So he turned into part of the furniture for months and totally ignored me and my son and everything around him, he never played with our son and refused to have sex with me as I was pregnant. He turned very aggressive, argumentitive, obsessed, distant and unlovable. I had no support with my pregnancy, I don't know how I got him to go to the ultrasound.

Half way into the pregnancy we were driving home from somewhere and he suddenly snapped, started verbally abusing me with our son in the back and kicked me out of the car infront of the house. So I grabbed my son(both of us in hysterics) and ran into the house and he drove off.

He then came back about an hour later all apologetic etc and from then on he had an outburst at work or something and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(sexually abused as a child). The Doctor put him on Sodium Valproate and kept him on the effexor.

Life continued on as before in the computer screen, ignoring everyone/thing.

I eventually gave birth to another boy( I had to force him to hold my hand etc,'cause all he would do was sit there, whereas my first birth he was great).

Having a baby didn't stop him from changing his computer obsessed ways, he didn't even seem to bond with the baby, he was useless with both of them. I continued to do everything myself as he stared at the screen, I had no family in the state to help me, I had no friends,I attended to his every whim. He continued to be more aggressive and depressed, so they just upped the dosage of his medication.

Slowly he just kept getting more phases of aggression, depression and mania until I couldn't take it any more and I got diagnosed with depression where they put me on Zoloft, which helped me be more patient with him and not stress out as much, as I turned a bit OCD'ish and couldn't stop cleaning and aligning to deal with the stress.

He started getting therapy but life still continued the same, but insteade got really manic and spent even more hours on the computer and stayed up to all hours of the morning(this went on for months).

I started to sense that he was up to something as he kept x-ing out the screen as I walked in. So one day I investigated and found about 20 passwords to discreet dating sites. So I confronted him and got blasted at. He promised me he had stopped until he started acting suspicious again and what do you know, he was still visiting those sites as well as heaps of porn sites.

So we had a therapy session together and I brought it up, he promised to stop doing it and had a tantrum as we left 'cause the psychologist didn't agree with him.

Things carried on as normal for a while(if you can call it normal) until he got more aggressive and more shifty. So I looked through the keyhole to find him talking to some woman on a sex site and looking at porn, so I confronted him but he just kept doing it and x-ing out the screen, he even payed to be a member.

Then they put him on valium and he was popping them whenever and he got very abusive,So I just cracked and couldn't take it anymore and started sleeping on the couch, 'cause I was discusted to be near him.

Then one night some woman texed his mobile at 3 in the morning wanting to have an erotic chat with him, so I rang her up and blasted her, and she couldn't even speak english. So that was the last straw,I decided I was going to leave. I rang my Mum and Dad up and they payed for a flight for me and the kids. So I had 1 day to pack as much worldly goods as I could and I had to do it all secretly, which wasn't that hard as his face was stuck in the computer screen, so I was doing it whilst he was awake.

The next morning after he left for work I upped and left with the kids to the airport to go back to my home state and left him a 5 paged note explaining why, as he never listened to me in person.

That night whilst at my parents I got an abusive call from him and didn't hear from him for weeks after until I started to get heaps of abusing text messages about custody etc. 8 weeks past and I was loving my free life, but in the mean time he was in a psychiactric clinic, clocking up the dollars on the credit card.

Then after he was released he decided to give up all his medication cold turkey and go through withdrawals etc, but I started talking to him again on the phone and he seemed normal and really together. So he ended up giving up everything from our house to charity and came over on the boat to try and win us back, and it worked. He seemed like a changed man, he gave up the study,he didn't even go on the computer and he played with the kids.

So we had to move into a 1 bedroom unit for a while(4 of us) and started all over again.

From there he became anxious and depressed and avoided medication as it mucked up our marriage last time. But this didn't last long and he became heaps depressed again and a psychiatrist put him on Xyprexa and Sodium Valproate. This time having check ups regularly(not like before).

Life started to get a bit better once we moved into a proper house and started getting furniture again etc. He's tried hard not to go on the computer as much, he tries to play with the kids and he even does the dishes every now and then, but still depressed he's now had effexor added to the cocktail again.

Now the last few weeks he's tired and depressed again, and slowly getting addicted to the tv screen this time, all he does is sleep and he's starting to ignore me and the kids again. He's a lot better than he was, but I hate this depressed stage, we haven't had sex for 4 months and our life is boring again and I feel like I'm doing everything again and the old pattern is returning. I don't want to go through all of this again, I can't handle the stress. I've got nobody to talk to who understands and he doesn't care, he's in his self absorbed stage.

I've done all I can to be supportive and helpful, I've had the patience of a saint.

Yesterday me and the kids wanted to go out for a family day, but he decided to sleep till 1pm claiming he was nauseous(I don't know what the truth is anymore).

Anyway, to cut a long story short(TOO LATE), I'm just looking for support really and wanted to know how me and the kids can deal with this illness, I don't want the kids affected as they are now 2 and nearly 6.

Again I apologise for this lengthy post, I missed lots out, I'll have to bring up the other things later.

Thanks in advance if you made it to the end, I really appreciate you reading it,

Heather.

Welcome Heather! I'm confident you will feel supported here - I do. I'm new here too. My bf of 5 years has BP. Although he has known for 10 years, I just found out this past summer (that was scarey but has helped to explain our rollercoaster relationsihp). I lived with him for 4 years but recently moved out. He wants to marry me but I'm so stressed out I can't even consider it at this moment. Today was the first day we openly talked about BP. We use to only focus on the symptoms (drinking, lying, spending, drama, etc.). We are going to try to educate ourselves as much as we can about BP and learn from those affected by it. This is the perfect place to do that - it has helped me already and I only joined this site two days ago. You are not alone. You will find some comfort here.

Hi there ! im a newbee here too. Ive only been a member for 2 days also. I already feel really good about being able to talk to others who REALLY understand what it is like.Hey I just thought of something - so long as your on the pc he isnt !!

I dont know if this will help or not but could you go to a counsillor to set some basic family rules in place to encourage him have some family time and some interaction with you and the kids. That is what we did, and it has been really helpful. My husband has now changed his day around to fit in family time (even if you can get him to take on a small job to help - like bath the children)He will probably be reluctant at first but will soon start to enjoy it. Hang in there

Hi Heather - Sorry you are having such a lonely time of it.

I used to think, how can I be so LONELY when I lived with four other people? My husband has bipolar and he has gotten progressively worse.

Some of my earlier posts have referred to him as being "glued to the computer".

The only sign of anything strange when we first met, was he had a room in his house that was STUFFED with rows and rows of stacked newspapers. Apparently he has always had obsession about collecting, before he had money it was newspapers, now he has spent thousands on (junk in my personal opinion...comics, cards, electronics, etc.etc.) He has also 'just taken' two thousand dollars out of our bank twice & caused the mortgage check to bounce and other bills to bounce. When I asked him what he did with the money he says stupid lies like "I don't know" & "I forget"

My husband won't try medication but he does self medicate with LOTS of BEER. After he got arrested for shoplifting, he went to a counselor a little while then quit. We almost split up because he got arrested and also forged my signature on a credit card application & charged over seven hundred+ in one month. I never would have even found out what he was up to except I went home from work sick the day the bill came in the mail.(freaky)That is also how I found out about the shoplifting. The store sent him a letter about a fine they were imposing (really freaky..I find out SO MUCH stuff from getting the mail when I go home from work sick!)

Then some guy kept calling our house at all hours. I found out he owned a comic book store & let my husband buy comics 'on credit' & he owed him over nine hundred dollars! Just for comic books! But we didn't have the money for tires on my truck & I was practically driving on metal, but that is ok because he NEEDED the comic books.

He bugged me for years to have a baby. When we were together about 7 years I had our daughter. He hardly pays attention to her. He was much more attentive to my older children from my first marriage.

I am really shocked at the difference in interaction that he has with her compared to the older ones. I think it is because his illness has gotten so much worse he is so introverted into his self.

We have tried to act like everything is 'normal', but it just does not last. The bipolar takes over everything. Even things that should be fun like vacations have been ruined. He either gets enraged with us and won't sit with us/talk to us/go on rides etc. with us, or he gets drunk, or he takes to his bed in the room, or all of the above.

His spending habits are beyond ridiculous. He has asked me how much money I spent at a store. I told him forty-eight dollars. He yelled at me "WHAT!!!!" As if I had said forty eight thousand. He accused me of 'wasting money' because I had my car air conditioner on one night after exercising, yet I KNOW by looking at his receipts he has spent over FIVE THOUSAND dollars on HIMSELF in like a year & a half!!!

I was not treated well my my mother, and my first husband was physically and mentally abusive as well. My husband has never hit me, but I feel he is SO passive aggressive, unfeeling, COLD, and distant, I am hurting as bad as if he HAD.

Then he fluctuates to goofy and giggley. Mr. Friendly Nice Guy.

Has managed to function just great outside our walls for many years.

However, this past year he had outburts outside as well as in the house.

When he is OK he tried to do nice things to make up for the bad, but I would rather have him try to take medicine to be ok most of the time, then have him rake 12 bags of leaves in one day, and do a bunch of projects that have been neglected, to try to make up for getting caught in a LIE or because he feels bad for the way he 'talked' to us when he was in an episode.

We have a few special times, moments and memories where I felt he was totally fine and REALLY THERE with me, or as a family. I wish that was how it could be all the time. But there is always some underlying 'current' like electricity or something. I don't know how else to explain it. Like he is only half listening. Strange.

I am doing what is best for me and our daughter. It is very hard.

I filed for a divorce. He is acting all happy about it. It is the first time I have seen him engrossed in anything besides his computer crap and TV. Go figure.

Post edited by: sky, at: 01/14/2008 19:40

Hi all, just thought I would add to the thread about spending. My bf of 5 years has BP and is an alcoholic. I lived with him for 4 years. We had a nice house and a comfortable life style. This past summer he had a major manic episode which landed in a stay in the psych ward. This is when I found out he had BP. He was diagnosed 10 years ago but has been in denial since then. Re the spending - he was out of work for several months (due to is peculiar behavior at work I think - don't know the whole story). While he was off work I tried to keep up with the bills but they became too much for me to handle on my own. We had to sell our house to get out of debt. Sooo we sold the house. Then a month later he went out and bought a $160,000 car - oh yeah! That was the last straw for me - I recently moved out in December. Because I care about him we have decided to get help from our Mental Health Community before I throw in the towel. Until now we hadn't mentioned the word bipolar. I think it took my leaving for him to come to terms with the diagnosis. I'll keep this site posted on our progress. Just felt like sharing ... hope your day is going well today.

Hey Have Faith- Mama Mia! I thought my husband was out of control spending (I am worried that I only know tip of the iceberg) but your boyfriend and that car..Oh My! I hope everything works out for you. I am glad he is getting help. Take care.

I understand completely. I am also the mother of 2 and my boyfriend is bipolar and ptsd. I am also pregnant right now, 2nd trimester. He takes seroquel (spell?)300mg every evening. He was just diagnosed last mo, so the medication rollercoaster is just beginning for us. He has a lot of the same behaviors as your husband, blowing up, like dropping me off and taking off in the car, he has some sort of program on the computer where he can read everything I type, I cannot clear it. He has a string of "normal" days then a string of depressed days, a couple of manic days.... bipolar seems to be really tough, so I feel sorry for him. (except when he is being mean) Anyway, my thoughts are kinda scattered but I'm here if you want to talk. good luck!!

Heather, i forgot to say, my bf also lies, I forgot to tell you I can relate to that too. I beg him to be honest, I think he is trying more than ever....