Hi all. I actually just typed a long intro. but it accidently erased when I tried to preview it bc of popup blocker. Grrr...sigh.
Looks like you have a kind and supportive group here and I'm glad I've found you. I've felt very alone in untangling my memories of the past 2 years-my friends/family don't understand any of it, esp. why I didn't leave before I did. Urg.
My fiancee(I'll call him "A")was diagnosed with Bipolar as our relationship ended. I did not know he already had been told this and hospitalized several times in the past. My therapist believes he is more of Paraniod, Narcissistic, Bipolar borderline Schizophrenic- he has a way of fooling therapists. He will not take medication and does not take responsibility for his actions. He was very abusive to me in all ways but I could not even entertain that idea until weeeks after I'd left, which was a few months ago. My reactions in the relationship were not unlike Stockholm's Syndrome after I'd tried to leave early on and he threatened to kill me if I tried again.
The relationship was the most beautiful, terrifying, creative, stifling, playful, stressful, intimate and cold I've ever known. I opened myself up to him more than I ever have-boy that was a mistake.
I moved into the garage apartment behind the house "A" rented as I separated from my husband. I was devastated and vulnerable after he filed for divorce. "A" showed up practically on a white horse, taking care of me and fulfilling dreams of relationship qualities that were more than I could even imagine. I thought I finally understood what it was to have a soulmate. I fought the rush of the relationship developing so soon after divorce but "A" was stronger than me. The beginning was amazing with exception of a few small strange things he demanded..needless to say those small things became bigger and bigger until I was lost in his world. The good times were only moments followed by confusing and abusive demands by him. He is scary intelligent, and decided to "teach" me things using his take on "operant conditioning" in a violent way. Boy, did I know how to walk on eggshells and not crack a single one by the end. Anyhow, I was his unsuspecting guinea pig to be his perfect woman. Unfortunately I was very good at adapting due to an unresolved abusive childhood and fell right into it.
Long story shorter..the police were called by the neighbors after he bashed in the neighbor's porch with a baseball bat and was breaking things in the yard with his sword and mace. I, believe or not was asleep bc I'd already been through my hell with him the two days prior and was exhausted. I woke to 3 police officers in my room asking me if I was alright and telling me they were taking him to the hospital. I acted out of instinct after they took him and was moved into a new place in a neighboring city within 3 days, essentially in hiding. I had to move 3 times and almost went into a shelter for my protection. I got a protective order, etc. but he still contacts me and believes I must just be convinced to be with him, that I'm just being tweaky. That is, when he doesn't leave messages calling me awful names, etc..
I finished my college degree last month and took police escort to classes on their advice bc he knew where and when my classes were. I had to go from being a terrified little girl inside to a fighter in record time and with the help of anxiety pills,prayer and self defense classes I'm doing alright for the most part. Trying to focus on my spark and pursue my dreams and not let myself listen to every noise as I go to sleep. I dream of when I can go to the grocery store without looking over my shoulder someday. I pray for him to get help, for him to stay away-and don't worry, I will not EVER return to him.
Thanks for being here. I'll elaborate more later, but that's enough for now.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly...all your life, you were only waiting for this momemt to arise-Blackbird fly..."-Paul McCartney
