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11/26/2008 09:16 AM

On the path to forgiveness...

LostSpirit
WorkInProgress  
Posts: 46
Member

Hi. I'm new to the site, was actually referred by my husband. He started to come here for support. I am the BP one. He is the stable/healthy one who has to deal with my insane ups and downs.

A little about me...

I am the daughter of a BiPolar mother. I am estranged from my family for this very reason. She abused me both mentally and physically all the years I lived with her. I drew the line when I saw her abusive nature effecting my son. I haven't talked to her since and truly believe she is a cancer that I cannot welcome back into my world. She has always refused to get help or treatment, and still to this day refuses to admit she has a problem.

I was diagnosed with depression since I can remember. At a turning point in my life I was diagnosed with BiPolar. I had began a treatment plan of Lamictal and talk therapy, both with a counselor and a neurologist. After close to a year of treatment it was agreed upon by all parties that I was stable and I could choose to take myself off of my medication. I chose to stop the meds because I had reached a point where I felt like I didn't feel happy or sad even when I should have. Like I was numb to "real" feelings. In retrospect, I wish I had never done this and instead altered the dose or even changed meds. But hey, what's done is done, right?

I had a good 3 solid years after discontinueing meds where I was stable. I was a functioning person and I was rebuilding my self esteem and my relationships with friends and family. During a rescent pregnancy I felt my inner psychi go completely out of whack. I went off the deep end and haven't been able to climb back up since. I'm well aware that my trigger was an intolerable amount of stress. Stress that I could not control even if I was "stable". I have always been a coward when it comes to stress. I have an avoidance problem. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the "flight or fight" term. Well I have always chosen flight, then fight as my last resort. Rescently however I have acknowledged that flight only made things worse and was never a good way to overcome anything. I have a family now, I cannot run away from them...no matter how much I want to at times. So unfortunately I have resorted to the only other coping mechanism I know..Fight. Needless to say my world has been torn upside down, and even worse, it's all my fault.

My husband hates me most days, and to be fair the feeling is mutual. (Though I don't want to hate him...it's like that feeling is uncontrolable..I love him with all my heart, more then I love myself, I just don't know how to show it). I resent my little baby as if he did something wrong. I cry and scream almost everyday. I obsess over the littlest things and let them control my mood days at a time. I can't seem to forgive anyone anything. I attack the people closest to me. I say hurtful things, things I don't mean, but I have to say them. I feel like I have to hurt others so that I'm not alone in this world of pain I live in. The best way I describe my feelings in a short sum up is that I live in a constant state of inner kaos..all of it in my head.

I have rescently searched out medical help again. I've been put back on Lamictal and have been on the titrating dose since the beginning of October, but with no such luck in feeling any of it's effects so far. I am in the very beginning stages of therapy with both a counselor and a psychiatrist. I am beyond tired of hurting myself and the people I love. I am on the road to forgiveness. I want to forgive myself for all the pain I've caused, and I want all those I have hurt to forgive me. I'm not right in the head, and I know it. I just need some support, some understanding. I guess that's why I'm here.

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11/26/2008 09:29 AM
ThisBlows
ThisBlowsPosts: 1467
Senior Member

Welcome to the group. Glad to have you. I can't honestly say that I know what your going through, my wife is the BP one not me, but I can totally relate to your husband, been there done that.

If theres any questions you have or if you need anything, feel free to ask.


11/26/2008 09:32 AM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Welcoming you with open arms, honey. Glad you joined. And i have to tell you your candid post tells me you are on the road to stability...you are not blaming things on others, you are getting help, and most importantly you are accepting yourself.

Please make yourself at home...join in anywhere...and again thanks for telling your story...i can promise you, that your sharing it helped others reading it...


11/26/2008 11:16 AM
Colourful
ColourfulPosts: 114
Member

Hi LS, I think you are very brave to have taken the steps to go back on the meds and face the place that you've found yourself at. I have found that the people here help a great deal. I am also new here and recently diagnosed, you are not alone, many of us have things to repair and to deal with, but you've taken the first steps and that's really awesome.

11/26/2008 12:32 PM
justrembering
pirateprincess421  
Posts: 31179
VIP Member

Welcome to the group. You will find lots of support here and friendship. Feel free to browse around and post when you feel like it. You will find lots of support.

11/26/2008 12:51 PM
jsrdrnr
jsrdrnr  
Posts: 1928
Senior Member

Welcome to the group. I so understand what you are saying. I am BP and a new mom. I sometimes have a really hard time b/c I, like you, resent my daughter for being here, but I have no real reason why. It is just the way that I feel. I also am totally convinced half the time that my husband is only here b/c he fells as if he cannot get out. I know hat both of these things is just the "disease" talking and I have to continue on with my therapy until my meds get regulated. I say that to encourage you that you are not alone. There are many here who understand what you are going through. I also know that this will pass. BP is very manageable, it just takes time to get where you need to be. Hang in there. We are her for you.

11/26/2008 01:34 PM
ceegee
ceegee  
Posts: 961
Senior Member

Welcome LostSpirit, I think you are very brave and couragious for taking that first step! alot of people never get that far.Smile

11/27/2008 08:50 AM
blugreen
 
Posts: 306
Member

I really identify with your post and a lot of things you said. So glad to hear that I am not alone. Ever since my diagnosis, I have felt so alone and often wondered if I am just imagining this whole thing, or it's all in my head. Doesn't help when my husband really doesn't buy the whole BP thing and isn't too interested in researching it. I guess he would be if we weren't about to split up after the holidays. I just feel no one understands. they all say just snap out of it, pick yourself up and try to think positive. easy for them to say, right??! Anyway, so happy to have found this board and know there are others like me. Have a great Thanksgiving!

Blu Tongue


11/28/2008 12:11 AM
kimminentdanger
kimminentdanger  
Posts: 2517
VIP Member

Hi lost..

First, let me welcome you to the group - I'm glad that you're back on board with getting yourself stable! Glad that you joined us...

Second, if hubby HATED you, would he have bothered to refer you to US? Why would he care one way or the other?

Don't forget that when we're having an extreme mood, we see things in an extreme way. Just something to think about... Wink


11/28/2008 08:04 AM
LostSpirit
WorkInProgress  
Posts: 46
Member

Hate is a strong word, but I used it to get the point across that on most days (lately I have more bad days then good which is why I say most days) he cannot stand to be around me and he ponders the idea of divorce. That may not be hate persay, but it is very close to it. You have to dislike your spouse very much to think about divorse.

But you are correct, we who have BP do take things to extreme when we're in one of our moods. He does love me deep down, and that's why we're reaching out for all the help we can get to save our marriage and get back to the happy and smitten couple we used to be.

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