pearcy
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i did something that i promised my best friend and husband that i wouldn't do again. i got soo mad at my friend, because, she was having a bad couple of days and instead of leaning on me, she went to my husband. i asked her what was wrong and she kept telling me "nothing." so they left and i was soo mad, i went to her kitchen and grabbed a steak knife. i pulled up my left sleeve and i sliced my arm over and over like an apple. i then raised my shirt and did the same to my stomach. with one thought racing in my mind.... GOT TO END THE PAIN!! now, these cuts hurt, which i want them too. i also want them to go away. i wish i could stop cutting myself. i am just soo angry. i have been for days. 10 years ago, my father committed suicide. it was on the 15th of december. he promised me that he was never going to leave me. he raised me. he treated me like i was his flesh and blood. i miss him soo bad. when it gets closer and closer to christmas, it gets harder and harder. i know this is supposed to be a beautiful time of year, but, i dislike it. i shouldn't be this way, it was my savior's birthday, but, i am mad at his father, for taking mine. i feel like i am a child. its not fair!!!! and now, let me tell you about my mom.... she is in prison. yep,prison. that is so embarrassing. i feel like i am white trash. so again, i am mad at my savior's father for this. i try to be positive and try to be better than them, it is so hard when i talk to family and they say, "well, holidays will be hard on her." meaning my mom. what about me, dam**t??!!! they are worse! i feel like i can only lean on you guys, i can't even lean on my own husband. you guys are the only ones that understand. i just wish my husband gave a crap about me and this issue i have and do some research. i want to lean on him soo bad, but, also, i have to remember, he has a memory problem. has any of you all had to deal with that? it is so hard, i try to remanise with him about things, and he can't remember. i feel like, "ok, they weren't important enough." i am going to go and try to study now, that i cleared my head and my conscience about the cutting. ps. i love this forum |
..... my mom has gone to camp. it is supposibly 100% bettter. we are all soo happy. we will get to visit with her soon. i can't wait. i haven't seen her in almost a year.
