Bipolar Support Group

Hello, I'm new to this group and this is the first forum I've ever joined. I'm a 50 y.o. female who has battled what I believed was depression since my mid-teens. Until recently, I had never felt "normal" in my life. I never sought medical help for it or counseling and always felt like my depressions and emotional issues were character flaws that I was too weak to overcome. I've hated myself for it. For decades I've used various methods to "get out of my skin" - exercise, alcohol, books, family focus. I've had a good life despite my emotional ups and downs but it has often been jagged and painful on the inside and sometimes I can't imagine why my husband still loves me. I feel incredibly grateful that I have a wonderful marriage (2nd) and two children in college - sometimes I think I will lose them because I don't deserve it. I also believe that if these people had not come into my life when they did, I would not be here today. Despite all the people in my life who love me (even though many times my illness has made me think that everyone hates me), I've probably contemplated suicide - either as a drifting thought or planning how to do it - on more days of my life than not, starting in my teens.

To get to the point, early 2008 I decided that this had to be the year that my life got better or else I just did not want to be around. I felt like I was already dead but nobody knew it but me. A do-or-die year.

I didn't get help immediately but decided to jump into a new career full-force; I felt as if my family (grown children and workaholic husband) didn't need me any more and I felt useless and abandoned.

In a way, my healing journey began when my 18 y.o. son was diagnosed w/ bipolar, depression, and ADD issues earlier this year. He has a very high IQ yet he barely graduated from HS - the diagnoses explain why his high school years started out o.k. but by senior year, he was pretty much "checked out" academically. He isn't into habits that cause some teens to fail in school and he has had enormous family support over the years, but all for naught. It has been a scary ride with/for him but we took the steps to get him to a counselor who recommended a complete psychological evaluation (due to visual & auditory hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, etc.), and lastly to a psychiatrist for medication. Knowing that he needed this kind of help all started one late spring night when he had a complete emotional meltdown while talking to me. It seems bizarre and perhaps like I'm a bad mother, but I was not surprised that he had been having suicidal thoughts. I just felt it was so before it came out. To the point, the doctor put my son on Lamictal (150 mg) and it has been a good thing for him mood-wise. He is still having some trouble w/ school - 7 hours in community college could be going better - he can't easily focus on his work. The ADD meds had disastrous and sometimes frightening side effects on him, including a 20-lb weight loss on Adderall. He liked the "speed" effect of Adderall which frightened me because my 2 siblings died due to drug/alcohol addiction. I doubt that my son will be able to take the ADD meds. The doctor also put him on Abilify recently. No neg. side effects so far.

The improvement I saw in my son encouraged me to take a gigantic step and go see the same psychiatrist. I had already gone to my family dr. and convinced him to put me on Lamictal which I knew I needed. After learning about bipolar disorder, I knew w/out a doubt that that had been my problem for 35 years, not just the depression. The night that I figured it out was like an epiphany from ?? and also the night before I turned 50 - I was feeling manic, I couldn't sleep and just wanted to write and was thinking about a detailed and flawless way to kill myself. I know that this is way more than anyone wants to read, but I've only seen my psychiatrist once and will go back in a couple of weeks. He has me on 150 mg Lamictal and 30 mg Buspar (for anxiety, which I've had forever - I've felt socially crippled at times and some days, going to the grocery store seemed to take an enormous mental effort). I am sensitive to medication and have never taken RX for anything ongoing, so it's been a complete change in mindset for me to take pills every day. BUT...they have changed my life and I can't imagine going back; the pills are my best friends right now. I can't wait to tell my doctor how I feel. I'm so much less fearful (except the fear that the pills will stop working for me), I feel more confident, and I feel so up and happy. Maybe they are making me manic at times because I have a lot of energy but maybe this is how "normal" people function every day. I'm also feeling more organized in all aspects of my life. I know that my family sees the difference in me because I have a reason to be here every day. I'm happy but it also makes me sad when I think about the lost decades of my life. I did very well in school, earned a degree that should've taken me far, but I've never been able to deal w/ my demons long enough to be consistent in my work life. If I had gotten help sooner, maybe I would have been a better, more productive person all-around. God knows that I have tried to do it on my own.

The moral of this run-on message is...don't be afraid to get medical help. I had almost given up and now I feel like I've just been born. For the first time in a long while, I'm grateful for me and that I am alive.

I am so glad for you!!! I am glad you are here and told your story...{{{{hugs}}}} Please feel welcome, make yourself at hime and join in the discussions. I have bipolar and have a grown son who has it too...

that was an amazing journey you told us about! thank you so much for sharing your story. you are very courageous. i'm really glad you've found us and hope you'll join in our discussions. we are a really great group of caring, funny, smart folks who help one another a lot.

welcome!

I read your story, Sphilpott, and I am encouraged by your do-or-die effort to get yourself in gear again - to which I am very thankful you did not check out of life!! To think the answers are there waiting for us to stumble upon them, to discover that life has so much more to offer than what we give it credit for. I am encouraged by your story, because I too have come to wits end on things ... and now I have learned that meds can really turn a life around - Thank You.

Thank you for sharing with us that is so encouraging to me

I'm so glad you found your way here. And I hope you will really enjoy getting to know us on your first-ever forum! Wow!

I, too, found your story very encouraging and thank you for sharing it.

You know, a woman I respect very much once told me that the 40's and 50's of a woman's life are her most productive years. She has gained enough through experience to have a little wisdom, and still has her energy behind her.

Think you could do anything marvelous in a good 10 years??!? Raising kids is nothing to sniff at, either!

Enjoy this wonderful change...

Thank you for sharing your story and for the "moral of the story".

My own story "bipolar wife pushing son away" is very related as my wife's story is similar to yours. Our son is not bipolar (although he has an increased risk factor because of bipolar parent) but the rest is very similar. But we are not quite as far as you are in taking real steps to conquer your condition.

As I see in all these stories, the following steps seem essential in moving forward in a meaningful way:

1) Recognition and admitance of the affected person that in fact they have bipolar or similar, rather then continuing and endless denial and blaming others for unhappiness.

2) Number 1 leads to the willingness to seek help. This is when the person takes the responsibility seriously that they are affecting the loved ones and they must do their part to remedy the situation.

3) Number 1 also leads to an open discussion with family, making some kind of arrangements possible (game plan what to do when there is irritation...).

4) Number 1 reduces the stress level of the remaining family members who can then lovingly concentrate on guiding the affected person through, knowing that they don't often mean what they say but love and appreciate the others.

Although theoretically easy, this is not achieved often or quickly. There are people who struggle for years, sometimes not even knowing that bipolar is the cause (my case as I did not learn about my wife's sickness until 2 years ago).

Some blame for this goes to the medical profession. Too often the therapists just talk and talk to people, keeping their state at some balance, but don't meaningfully involve the family. The laws of privacy and confidentiallity between patient and provider often prevent a frank discussion. A family member needs to have an open discussion with the provider without the sick spouse; too frank discussion in front of them may make things worse instead of better (consider the irritability being one of the most common symptoms of bipolar).

Thanks again for insite and best luck to you!

Hello,

I have been through much of that,being 58 and diagnosed 8 yeas ago. For me the "best suicide" was one that would seem as an accident and none of my children or my wife wouldn't know.

I drew a bath and made sure that the electic heater fell into the tub with me in it.Which it did but we seem to have had a great ciruit breaker and G-D's help since it didn't work evidently.That was before medications which greatly help me as you mentioned. They actually make life a really happy thing.

You say 30 plus years wasted. G-D gave you the disease for good reasons,to grow from,to be more understanding of people in need than many. There is no "my life",its really what G-D gives us to deal with and you didnot waste the years though they were horrible.Now you can appreciate even more of what you have daily.

G-D Bless You.