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10/24/2008 08:05 PM

Bi polar wife, need advice

DB2008
 
Posts: 12
Member

I will first apologize for my grammar and spelling. My wife and I started having problems about six years ago. My mother was dying of cancer, I did not know how to deal with it and i fell into a depression that I denied back then. I did not give her the affection she needed and we grew apart. Our first son (my second)was born and I just cried because I was happy and very sad cause my mom was not there. Again when my third son was born.

I found out that my wife is bi polar about nine months ago. Her problem seemed to be spending and buying stuff when we didnt have the money, literally. The bank acount was negative at the average of $500 every pay day and sometimes close to $1000. Needless to say we had many arguments over it. She also was depressed at the time. I then had to take on a second part time job. I was ready to file for a divorce prior to finding out what was wrong. I wonder if she may have been misdiagnosed or not because she does not seem to have most of the symptoms to me.

Since we found out she has this illness, she went to a doctor and to group therapy and they have her on the meds. She seemed to be doing okay and then switched therapists. Prior to switching she started handging out with new friends that are mostly bi sexual and lesbian. Prior to all of this she told me she might be bi sexual. I felt very threatend, I told her I did not like it and thought we should be doing things together and that married couples do not normally go out every week afew times a week especially without the other.

She does not work and all that seems to matter to her is being on myspace, going out every week like clock work with her friends. SHe has been going to gay bars and has stayed out all night twice. And now recently one of her friends is an entertainment person that book bands at bars and she is working with her once a week at the bar taking tickets at the door. She drinks when she goes out. It seems that she does not care about what I think or say or feel about anything.

I have confronted her about wanting to be with someone else male or female, she says she does not want to be with any one else. She tells me she is not sure if she wants to be with me or not.

I am just at my wits end, I dont want a divorce. I want us both to get therapy and marriage counseling. Shesems to tell me one thing but her actions are telling me she does not want to be with me.

I guess what I wanted to know if any of this sounds familiar to anyone and what did you do to help it if anything. I know that i mixed alot of information and it is not all complete, that would take days to fill in.

Thanks again,

David

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10/24/2008 08:15 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

David,

sounds like you will have to have a talk with her about what is aceptable and fair to you and in your marriage . If i was married i would not want my partner going out 2x a week without me . Also sounds very troublesome that she says that she is bisexuaul . Now she is taking meds and seening someone regularly ? Have you spoken to her therapist about her behavior ? If she calims that she does not want to be with you , there is not much you can do . Just take care pf yourself and seek therapy for yourself .

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 10/24/2008 20:18


10/24/2008 08:47 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Dear David,

sounds like you need some professonal help to reconnect with your wife. You guys are drifting apart. Bipolar disorder may be her diagnosis but she may need to WANT to make the marriage work. The key is HER wanting to make it work.

She has a lot of time on her hands, and seems to be able to navigate the Web and go out socially. Maybe she could get a job. And help contribute to the household. That might give her less time for MySpace and going out socially, and more time to consider what her committment is to the family.


10/24/2008 09:01 PM
jollyjoe
jollyjoe  
Posts: 4119
VIP Member

I let my husband out once a wk and I go out once a wk..We have kids so I go out Fri or Sat and hubby goes out mon thru thrus..He like his Wed..He can shoot pool for 50cent a game..Him and his two best friend go..I go wth my best friends and they are male to beat all..but I agree with norma get some kind of conseling for both of you and commuication is real important..

11/03/2008 08:34 PM
DB2008
 
Posts: 12
Member

Thanks for the advice. I have had more talks with my wife and explained that I want us both to get help. She just tells me that she doesnt know if she wants to. It drives me crazy, I told her if she doesnt love me or want to work things out to just tell me. Still I get "I dont know." I just dont know how long I can try to work things out with I dont know. Could "not knowing" be part of Bi polar? can wnating to go out with her friends every week be part of it? I am having a hard time understanding the symptoms. She gets very upset with me and tells me I make negative comments about everything. I feel like she is destroying our marriage and when I tell her she shouldnt be living like a single person and staying on the computer all the time. I am then being negative. I agree that I make sarcastic remarks when I am trying to find out why she does things and I get upset and say something stupid. I think I am scared of alot of things I have read about lying and cheating that go with the disorder. I know if something happens I cant do anything about it. I am the type of person that will not be able to deal with a cheater. To my knowledge she has not cheated yet, I am afraid it will hapen the way she goes out every week. Sorry I get to rambling too much. I did go to a psych dr last friday to start helping my issues. However I didnt feel that he was paying attention to everything I was saying. I dont know I just have so many questions to ask about this. i have not really found a situation unique to mine on here just bits and pieces that fit.

11/03/2008 08:48 PM
DB2008
 
Posts: 12
Member

I also wanted to ask if anyone goes and talks with their spouses therapist or doctor? I dont think she tells the therapist everything. I know that she needs to want the help to get it. I feel like I am losing my wife. I dont know what to do or how to move on. I am scared to death about starting over. I dont want to be away from my kids or my wife. I dont want my wife to be away from my kids.

Then there is sex. I understand that the meds can cause a lack of desire. It has slacked down to once or twice a month. I have more sex with myself than I have had as a teenager. I have contomplated cheating. I dont think my conscious will allow it. I have never cheated on anyone, I have been cheated on before. Everytime I feel like cuddling or giving her affection she does something that completely blows it. She will get on the phone talking or texting or on the computer "I hate this thing" or get into a show on TV.

Then my work, I am a police officer. I have to change shifts every month. 7am-3pm, 11pm-7am, then 3pm-7am. My days off are different every month as well. We either never have money to go out or do anything or she alredy has plans with her friends. I have to work a part time job to try to live. She has an interview this week, but it is a seasonal job at a ski resort. I think it is just another reason to socialize. She works a couple time a month now with booking bands at bars. Not the crowd I would like her to be around. She has been wanting to try snowboarding for a while now so I guess it would be good for her. She has commented on her myspace that she will "Live" there if she gets the job. I feel so screwed no matter what I do. I have come to belive in the saying "Nice guys finish last". Sorry again I think this time I was venting. I do feel better just yping out my feelings if that makes any sense to anyone.


11/03/2008 09:02 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

It does make sense, and sometimes just putting things down on paper helps. Your situation has many aspects that sound like so many others. But the thing that strikes me is it sounds like there is little or no communications with your wife. Maybe couples counseling would help. Remember it takes two people to make a marriage work. And both have to want it to work.

good luck to you, sweetie...i hope this helps some.


11/03/2008 09:05 PM
Macrina
MacrinaPosts: 245
Member

I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much difficult stuff with your wife. I am not bipolar and I take it you are not either. Do you have other things going on yourself? You mentioned having an appt. with a psych doc. Was this for your own issues or to try and get help dealing with your wife?

My friend is bipolar (just diagnosed a few weeks ago) and is also resistant to treatment. It can be very frustrating standing by and watching from the outside when you know not all the truth is being put out on the table. But you ultimately have no control over whether or not she follows through on her treatment or is honest with her therapist.

Have you asked her if you could go to any of her therapy appointments? You might suggest that as a place to have a session talking about your relationship.

I don't know a lot about bipolar myself, yet, really just still learning. And I see that it affects different people in different ways. But one of the things I've experienced is the inability for my unmedicated friend to follow a line of reasoning. She likes things to be very logical, but over stuff like her mental health she stops short at a very obvious next logical step. No matter what evidence I put up she will assert the thing she wants to believe instead of what is obviously and factually true. This is where I see the evidence of what they say is going on in the brain -- some of the connections that help get the messages from one cell to the next have broken down. It just isn't getting across. She also has a lot of unrealistic ideas about her husband and blames him for things that aren't his fault. So those things may be bp symptoms that it sounds like your wife might also be experiencing.

Unfortunately, if your wife is not really giving her all to get better, she is probably not on the right dosage of meds (or is not taking them as prescribed) and she won't be able to get out of those unreasonable thoughts and patterns until a big episode comes along and she's unable to take care of herself.

You might want to start thinking about seeing a lawyer regarding your kids. How old are they? If I were you, I'd make sure if things continue to go south you won't lose any ground in terms of custody. If your wife is acting erratic, your kids will need the stability you can provide more than ever.

That isn't much, but hopefully it helps a little.


11/03/2008 09:11 PM
jollyjoe
jollyjoe  
Posts: 4119
VIP Member

I`m a wife that has be diagnosed for 9yrs as BP/Depression and several other anxiety disorders..My husband sits in once a month with me and it we have to make it once that month we do half togeth and the other half just me..My husband has learned so much about me and the rollercoaster that I ride..He can read me like a book almost..We keep scented candles lite with a light air scent and we have a fish tank ..We just to make and create our home around relaxation..You would be surprised at how you work all day and you come in and smell something fresh and clean ,watching tv ,just glance to the side and a nice veiw of soothing water and graceful fish..My husband benifits from it too..Not just me..

06/06/2010 08:20 PM
DB2008
 
Posts: 12
Member

It has been a long time since I posted last. My wife's meds seemed to have helped a lot except sexual desire. At least until about 6 months or so ago. All of the smae things are happening again. Another new best friend who is recently divorced and her new friend bartends at her hang out. She goes to the bar every friday and saturday religiously. I work nightshift and get rotating days off, which means two weekend off in a row every 8 weeks. Even then she was going out not doing anything with me.

I was so stressed that I thought I was having a heart attack at work (policeman) and went to er. Everything checked ok, stress test, ekg etc. She didnt even show or acted like she even cared. Then she went to bar that night and the next and even stayed out all night and didnt call me.

I got very upset and found out she stayed at her best friends that night. I sent her a text telling her that is was bullshit she couldnt call or text so I wouldnt worry where she was or if she was hurt. I told her I was packing and moving out. I did and came back 2 hours later, no where to go, no money etc. Since then she wont speak to me unless she needs something. Tells me she does not know what she wants, she regrets getting married, misses the single life etc. Says she is not in love with me anymore. I asked if we could go to counseling, if we can work it out etc.. Everything is "I dont know". I have asked if she is cheating, interested in someone else. She says "NO." Our anniversary is on June 22, I had to cancel our plans. She acts like she does not care at all. S

She is not doing anyhthing else, she takes care of kids, cleans, does laundry and still wears her wedding ring. She ont let me touch or kiss her, she says she doesnt want to lead me on.

I dont know what to do. I cant afford to leave, I love her so much and I want it to work.

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