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10/17/2008 01:08 PM

Introduction

Deanne
Posts: 6
Member

Hello, I just want to introduce myself to this group. I'm completely new to online discussions like this, so please be patient with my ignorance in regard to how to do things. Sometimes it takes me a while to understand the obvious on this web site.

I'm also new to bipolar disorder. I never new anything about it until the last year and a half of my life. Since then I have met three people who have to deal with it: one friend, one coworker, and one man I dated until about a month ago. He and I became very close over the past eight months. On Sept. 20, he said he loved me with all his heart. The next day, he stopped returning my calls. I received an email from him implying that I had caused his current depression. I know that wasnt true, since he had been missing his medication off and on for several weeks before that.

I have since done a ton of reading and asking questions to people to try and understand bipolar disorder and whether or not I can or should do something to try and restore my friendship with this guy. I do understand bipolar disorder much better now, but I still have so many questions. The problem is that almost nobody I know understands it, or wants to understand it, and I keep getting criticize for caring about someone with bipolar disorder. My own counselor even told me that the disorder doesn't really exist and that people use it as an excuse to do unhealthy things. He said I should stay away from anyone who says they have bipolar. I disagree.

So I am looking for people who can understand my questions and not criticize me for being in pain over the loss of someone I care so much about, even if he has bipolar disorder. I'm not even sure whether or not I have really lost him. (I hope this is all making sense.)

There you have the reason I joined this group. The rest of my introduction is simply that I am 40 years old, finishing my MA in American literature, I teach college level reading/writing courses part time, and I work part time as a computer instructor. I love animals, love to sing, and try to encourage people whenever I can. I am commited to personal growth and accept my mistakes and do my best to learn from them.

Thanks for reading my intro. It probably sounds as scattered as my thoughts are right now. I know I can learn from all of you. And support instead of criticism will be very nice for a change. I look forward to being part of this group.

Deanne (Pronounced Dee Ann)

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10/17/2008 02:02 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

Deanne ,

Welcome i too am in a long distance relationship with somone with bipolar . You can not help if he does not want to take his med on a regular basis and attend therapy . Remember both of you you non -bipolar and bipolars alike need counseling . So take care of you . As you have said you may not have lost him anyway . He maybe be just going through a mood phase . I know my bf says the same things like he does not want to be there or not to come and visit or other things . He does change his mind shortly afterwards Now all you can do is give him some space and be soppurted of him

Post edited by: grafxbydiane, at: 10/17/2008 14:03


10/17/2008 02:10 PM
justrembering
pirateprincess421  
Posts: 31179
VIP Member

Welcome Deanne, this is a great group of people. Bipolar and non bipolar alike. We all are supportive of one another. Thanks for joining, hope to see you around.

10/17/2008 02:12 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hey there Deanne!!! I think it is perfectly understandable to be in pain for feeling loss of a relationship, if indeed you have lost it.

Maybe things will work out, or maybe they won't. In any case please make yourself at home here.

I think every relationship and every person is different, Deanne. If your boyfriend is sincere about his feelings he will be there for you. If not time will tell, dear. At any rate, you are among people who may be able to offer some advice. Good to have you with us.


10/17/2008 02:53 PM
denise5691
denise5691Posts: 155
Member

Hi Deanne -

My heart really goes out to you - because I found this site under the exact same circumstances you have. People here told me the same thing I see them telling you - take care of you, be supportive of him, don't be surprised if it's not over, and you can't make him take his meds or see his doc...

Well guess what? All of this is true. A good thread to read is "Why do Bipolars Run From Ones They Love" - or something like that. A wealth of info in there...

Long story short - my b/f & I have always been nuts about each other, I moved 3000 miles this summer to be closer to him, and that plus some other changes was just a lot for him to handle and as you said, one day things were still fantastic and the next day not. Big time not. Behavior I had never seen before. Nothing violent mind you - just raising his voice. But for him, this was extreme. From then til just this week, we didn't speak except once and in a couple of short, tentative emails.

I cried, I whined, I leaned on the shoulders of the wonderful people here on this site in addition to family and friends. I looked at myself to see what I might have done to help trigger an episode and had to get honest with myself about not giving him the space I knew he needed. This has all lasted more than five weeks. Sounds like a very short time - but during it, it crawled by. Just during this week, we have worked through things, love each other as much as ever and are taking the steps necessary to make sure we go slow enough that we are both comfortable and happy. He even called my mom long distance to wish her a happy birthday. I read a post by someone on that other string I mentioned that said something to the effect that he wasn't going to believe his wife no longer loved him until she told him while not in an episode. That he KNEW she loved him and even while in an episode, could see glimpses of that love and was certain it was still there. They've been together years now and are happy.

There are no guarantees of course, but if the love is truly there, I bet he'll come around. At that point, is when you have to be able to communicate with him so that in the future, his behavior doesn't damage your relationship...

Be strong !

Post edited by: denise5691, at: 10/17/2008 14:54

Post edited by: denise5691, at: 10/17/2008 14:56

Post edited by: denise5691, at: 10/17/2008 14:57


10/17/2008 02:59 PM
Deanne
Posts: 6
Member

Thanks for your understanding. It's very comforting to know that I'm not alone.

10/17/2008 03:03 PM
denise5691
denise5691Posts: 155
Member

No, you are def not alone !

It helped me greatly to talk to people on here - to know what it feels like to be bipolar. For them to describe his behavior and nail it without even knowing him. It made me feel like I was not losing my mind!

Not to mention talking to others on here that are in relationships with someone that has bipolar...

Really wonderful people here ! Glad you found this site !

Post edited by: denise5691, at: 10/17/2008 15:04


10/17/2008 06:24 PM
Deanne
Posts: 6
Member

Denise:

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I have very little support from friends and family, except to tell me that I am crazy for loving my friend and that he must be a jerk. It hurts to hear those things. Your encouragement means more than I can say!

I seeclearly where my communication with him should have been so much clearer and/or understanding. I know I hurt him by being insensitive sometimes and that is part of the pain I feel right now. It has been almost four weeks for me and only a few short emails. I'm not sure what is the best thing to write or say to him, so I have been as encouraging as I can be, letting him know that I love him and that I'm here if he needs anything.

Thank you also for the link to the thread topic about running away. I'm going to read that next. I'm feeling the tiniest bit of hope for the first time in weeks.

Deanne


10/17/2008 07:31 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

Deanne , It is all you can do until he comes around .

10/17/2008 10:43 PM
Deanne
Posts: 6
Member

Thanks to you all for the encouragement. It honestly makes the waiting much easier. I read the thread about why bipolar people run away and it really helps to know that I am not the only one who has fallen in love with someone bipolar and hopes he will come back. It's nice to believe that I am not crazy for loving him, or wanting to support him. I think I wrote it before, but I have been called so many horrible things by people I thought were my friends. My oldest "friend" sent me a long email last week calling me a crazy loser, weak, unhealthy, and then implied strongly that I am a slut because I slept with my b/f, knowing he has bipolar. I know it is all bitter, false accusations, but it makes everything I'm already dealing with even harder.

All this to say again how much I appreciate the encouragement and acceptance here. As I read through that thread mentioned earlier, the absence of judgment and criticism was so refreshing! I have had too much of those things in my life. It gives me peace of mind knowing I have this kind of support on this site. Thank you! Thank you!

Deanne

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