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09/07/2010 05:03 PM

some history

msstone26
msstone26  
Posts: 9
Member

What better place to share my personal story than here? Please bear with me, it's a little long. If you read it at all, that is.

I grew up in New England. I'm currently 19 (almost 20) and a junior in a school I just transferred to in Texas. While it's not my first time away from home, it is a very stressful thing to move to a brand new place.

When I was six years old, I was sexually abused by my neighbor's teenage son. She was out for the afternoon and I made the mistake of going over to say hello. I've blocked most of it out since then.

After that, I struggled with depression, nightmares, and insomnia. At the age of six, I was put on Wellbutrin and Trazedone. I can remember being totally ashamed of myself and feeling worthless and unlike all of the other kids.

When I started high school, I got really depressed again. My mom and her husband divorced and we moved multiple times. I started cutting because I didn't know how to express my feelings, and I was ashamed of myself. Junior year, I started dating my current boyfriend. We've been together four years with the exception of two months this winter.

When I started college, in Boston 2008, I fell depressed again. My doctor put me on Wellbutrin. She just kept upping it when I told her it wasn't working. Frustrated, I just took myself off the medication.

In January of this year, my boyfriend and I had a nasty split, which brought on my first manic episode. First, I sped up. I started staying up all night. I thought I was the best at everything, and I spoke so fast people couldn't understand me. I thought I was going to graduate from school with a 4.0 and life would be great and I would show my ex a thing or two. Then I started doing risky things like driving too fast. That got me a warning and a large ticket, and possibly points on my license. I started meeting men from craigslist. I went from one drink a month, to several drinks a night. I started smoking pot. I started bringing guys back to my apartment and being very promiscuous. I started spending obscene amounts of money on my hobbies. And I thought everything was just fine. People were commenting on how outrageous I was getting though.

My turning point was one night at a party that my room mate was throwing at his friend's house. I trusted that I could accept a drink from my room mate, but apparently he was acting for his friend. All I remember is a broken condom and needing to get emergency contraceptive. Before that, everything is fuzzy. You tell me what happened after one drink.

Eventually, I crashed hard. I was ashamed and humiliated and depressed. I hated myself for what I had done and who I had become. I stopped going to class and doing homework. I called my mother and told her I was going to kill myself. She brought me to the emergency room and they put me on Lexapro and sent me on my way. It didn't work.

I went out and bought a sick pure bred puppy with my life savings, knowing full well I was going to live in the dorms this year. I dropped out of spring semester.

In March, I got back together with my boyfriend. Upon admitting what I had done, he lost his temper and told me to get out of his life. He told me I was worthless, and I tried to kill myself. My mom and aunt checked me into the hospital for a week. They added Remeron to my Lexapro. I said all the right things and they sent me on my not so merry way. I got back together with my boyfriend after some lengthy apologies.

Just under a month later, my aunt saved me from my second suicide attempt. I checked into an emergency holding unit which was the scariest place I've been in my life. There was no control over the patients. My things were stolen, and they wouldn't let me have soap or clothes. I spent Easter there. My mom finally got me out and got me into a psych unit.

There, they changed my meds. They put me on a hefty dose of effexor and ambien. It didn't work. I wound up leaving before they wanted me to because I saw some people snorting drugs they had had smuggled in to them.

When I left there, my doctor switched me from ambien to melatonin to seroquel. I spent the summer on seroquel and effexor, and they weren't working. Eventually, my doctor diagnosed me with bipolar and put me on a combination of seroquel, ambien, and lorazepam. It was perfect until my insurance ran out.

Now, I'm in a new school with awful insurance. I'm starting risperdal and trazedone as well as lorazepam tonight. I've been bounced from lamictal to geodon to everything else. Nothing's working and things are rapidly reaching the boiling point, so I'm here, reaching out for help because I can't take it anymore.

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09/07/2010 05:36 PM
mem187

hello msstone

welcome to the group.you have found the right place to vent talk get advice and find comfort.you do have to realize that we are not doctors,so we only speak about our own expierience to try to help people.your story really touched my heart and i think that you are very strong to have made it trough all this....plus telling us your story took a lot of courage.i hope for you that the mix of medication you will take tonight will help you.there are so many medications on the marked for people with mental health issues,and i think some of the prices are outrages.like we don't have enough to worry about....worrieng how to get your meds aint helping.but back to the point i was trying to make.it may take a while before they find the right mix for you i know that it is hard to hear that,but i am still going true finding the right meds for me too but it will all pay off at the end.we will get better.

i might not give you the best advice sometimes it's hard.you wanna help but don't know how.but like i said you came to the right place,and don't be disscouraged if your post don't get answered right away,this is a busy forum and the group leaders are doing the best they can to get to everybody.i just know you will love it here.but watch out...it's very addictiveWink Wink Wink Wink

hang in there your are a strong woman

hugs

sybille


09/07/2010 05:44 PM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42707
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Oh, my how your story comes close to mine when it comes to acting out sexually. I was unmedicated and in my twenties and doing all the same things, hating myself the whole time. Spent three weeks in a public mental health ward for a suicide attempt and got no treatment at all because I was an alcoholic (had the D.T.s there) so they decided that was the problem. Well, it was a real problem, but so is the bipolar I have. I held it together after I got sober and just bounced up and down and with the help of friends and later my husband, I managed to muddle through, but it finally got to be more than I could bear and I sought help.

I am so sorry your insurance is not very good and that you've been bounced from one med to another. That is so hard. I am glad you made it here where we can help give you support which you really need right now. Please feel free to begin posting elsewhere and get to know folks here. This is a very supportive group and we are here for you.


09/07/2010 05:47 PM
msstone26
msstone26  
Posts: 9
Member

Thanks so much. You posts mean more than I can say. It's wonderful to have found such a supportive place. It takes a lot away from the daily grind.

09/07/2010 05:54 PM
mem187

yes it is a good place to relaxSmile i was a little worried that you would not like my post to you.i come here a lot at night latley when i can't sleep if i can't find nobody online i write in my diary on here.

thanks

sybille


09/07/2010 06:47 PM
YorkieLove
YorkieLove  
Posts: 7033
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

msstone- Hello. I have also experienced many of the sexual experiences you have, including child sexual abuse and sexual assault. We have groups for those things here as well.

You aren't alone anymore. We are here to support you. Take care.


09/07/2010 07:57 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16594
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Msstone, I'm sorry for all that you have been through. You were in a manic state when you did all that stuff. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sorry you have been bounced around on so many medications. They take so long sometimes to find the right medications mix. I hope you find it soon. With the bad insurance there, I hope they take care of you correctly and things start to look up for you. My heart goes out to you. I hope you feel much better soon.
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