Here's my experience with moods:

I have BP 1, rapid cycling. My mood switches as often as every few days. Sometimes it's even a few different times in a single day.("mixed episode") It's exhausting going to these extremes so often.

I feel(for a while) that nothing can go wrong. I'm like an action hero(Superman[ic]) and nothing can stop me - My spirit is unrelenting, I am quick on my feet and my mind's sharper than ever... (That's called Hypomania) I feel witty and brilliant and popular and loved, and I am sure that I could rule the world if offered the job. I'm on-point and fabulous, and can do no wrong. I don't have to think about anything. Words just naturally come together perfectly and effortlessly; everything I say is just this side of genius. I'm everyone's best friend and and conversation comes easily. I naturally adjust to different situations. I fit in wherever I go. I am self-assured and assertive. I am outspoken, and people come out of their shell when I'm around them. I can take on 5 tasks at once, completing them faster and better than anyone could. I feel great!

Suddenly, that mood becomes something else entirely. It clicks up about 700 notches and almost takes on a life of its own. Now, the thoughts are coming TOO fast. I can't keep them straight; I almost think I can feel them buzzing. My ears pulse and my heart pounds. I'm on sensory overload. Every nerve in my body is awake. I gotta move & get things done, and I devise a plan to do it. I'll come up with a brilliant and WAYYY too complex course of action, but I am so overloaded by outside stimuli that I am thrown off course. A ringing phone could push me over the edge. Actually having to stop and answer it DEFINITELY would. People become a distraction to me. If they speak or even move, they're interfering with my thought process, and I can't stand it. I have no patience for people and no interest in making small talk. Tick tock - time is wasting. I try to tell them to go away, but I trip over my own words. Yesterday, I could stand on a soapbox and give an impromptu speech about any random thing, and it would have been seamless. But now I have trouble even stringing a sentence together; the words are coming faster than I can form them. The need to MOVE is overwhelming, and if there's nowhere to go, I pace. Back and forth. Or I just stand and rock on the balls of my feet. Back and forth. Or shake my leg. Up and down. If I sit, it's only for a minute or two until I stand up again. Up and down. Back and forth. I find myself moving in and out of every room in the house, knowing there's an objective, but confused about what it is. If anybody tells me to "calm down" or "take a seat" or "relax - you're a mile a minute", I get irritated & aggressive. Frankie asks me a question, and I lose it! How DARE HE interrupt me when IT'S CLEAR that I'm in the middle of something important? I answer his question in a way that lets him know I don't have time for him. He tries to understand, and asks what's going on. Suddenly, he seems like the dumbest person in the world. His tedious questions are unbearably annoying & are wasting my time. He's talking too slow, moving too slow. Why can't he keep up? Now I'm furious. He's interrupting my mission. I already forgot 5 times what the mission ACTUALLY IS, & he made me forget ONCE AGAIN! I feel like he's doing all this on purpose, as if he WANTS me to fail. How arrogant and selfish of him!! In a flash, I'm a predator. My prey is his spirit, & I want to crush it so he'll go away and leave me to my project. So I do. Whatever it takes - screaming, foaming at the mouth, throwing things across the room, attacking his ego. I say hurtful ugly things so he'll leave me alone. It's his fault that I'm in such a cluttered state and so far off track. I don't sleep or eat. I drop things, & that leads to throwing things... I cannot hold my tongue and pick fights with everyone. If I get the urge to go out, it's a good chance I won't be home later. And if I do come home, I'll be so drunk someone will have to carry me. I can't stop any of it. I'm edgy & tense, and on the verge of snapping at all times. I can't focus on anything and I'm mean.

And so it goes, until the depression hits. When THAT happens, I do not function at all. Period. Housework, cooking, bills all go untouched. My only movement is shuffling from bed to couch, couch to bathroom, back to bed again. I don't speak, I just cry, focus on everything negative that has ever happened in my life. I wonder why people love me and then tell myself they probably dont. I feel hopeless, useless & disinterested. I cant concentrate on anything anyone says - I feel like I'm walking through maple syrup and my feet are made of lead. I tell myself that death wouldn't be as bad as THIS

Then I wake up and its as if none of it ever happened. The clouds have cleared and all is right with the world. I can do anything! And it begins again....

WHEW!!! That was long... I wanted to let you know just how well I know what you're talking about. And you're not alone in this.

Now that I'm taking the medication, things aren't nearly that severe... (and believe me, it got worse than THAT) Things get more and more stable every day. They will for you too.

I bet you wish you hadn't asked now, huh? Hope you were in a reading mood!!!

Post edited by: kimminentdanger, at: 09/06/2008 02:41

Post edited by: kimminentdanger, at: 09/06/2008 05:34