|
notquitesure Posts: 123
Member
|
I decided that i would join because i guess i feel similar to some of the stories told on here. I've been having a real rough time as of late. Just a little background, im a 21 year old male college dropout. Ive recently hit a new low with suicidal thoughts etcetera and a real bad depression characterized by hopelessness and amotivational features. As far back as I remember I was depressed as a younger child especially from 12 on up more. I was never previously suicidal nor did I have thoughts of dying until very recently. To be honest around 18 years of age I started self medicating with drugs/alcohol as an escape from feeling so bland. I havent really developed any kind of true addiction though I realize now that it was way more detrimental than helpful. I guess the reason I joined this forum was so I could get some feedback other than family or friends because I feel that they always tend to minimize how I feel sometimes. I suppose that may or may not be true because I feel like I can't really open up to any of them about how truly hopeless I feel. Anyways, a few weeks ago I went to a free clinic to see a GP because things had gotten so bad that I felt I could not go on. I explained my symptoms and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was prescribed zoloft 50mg per day and told to come back in 6-8 weeks. Here's the bad part-I neglected to mention that my mother is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, not sure if it is I or II but i would tend towards I. Her mother was also. I was just so depressed that I really felt like I needed something to help me fast otherwise I couldn't go on. I've tried to go over this in my head and I don't "think" i've ever had a manic episode before, barring possibly once last year. It is really hard to describe how i felt then but it lasted about 4-5 days. I will do my best-I woke up one day and felt kind of detached, with minor feeling of depersonalization I would say. I suppose I felt kind of up, sort of in mood but more in energy, definitely a lot of energy. Some mild racing thoughts and anxiety. I drove into 35 minutes into town only to figure out that when I got there the place I was going to was closed, but I remember thinking It was weird that this did not bother me in the slightest. My vision seemed more vivid than normal and everything seemed a little brighter with a slight sheen to it, especially in the shower, the running water looked real brilliant and it was semi-disconcerting. The worst part was that I would stay up really late and then try to lay down and go to sleep but then the racing thoughts would seem to get worse and I would have a lot more anxiety then. I was only sleeping 3-4 hours those few days which is really abnormal for me I usually sleep about 8 hours or sometimes 9 and if I get 6 hours hours I will think that i barely slept. Well I not feel tired during this "episode," I just had the feeling like my mind was like a train going faster and faster. I also had the feeling of having what I would describe as a migraine like aura around my head but without a headache. As this continued I kept coming to the thought that "somethings going to happen, this can't go on like this" or "something big is about to happen" and then immediately I would think to myself that those were really irrational thoughts. I didnt do anything outside of the house other than reading lots and lots and exercising which I kind of was doing anyways. Eventually I went to the ER because by the 3rd day I felt like i couldnt sleep at all and was becoming very agitated. I was given a CT scan of my head and prescribed some xanax to help me sleep. CT scan came back "essentially normal." The xanax helped me sleep and by the 6th day or so those symptoms had almost completely abated. Fast forward a year later to now and i've been on the zoloft for 3 weeks now. It seemed to give me energy in the beginning and after about 10 days on it made me more lethargic and apathetic in the sense that well im still depressed but I dont care enough to be concerned about it and dont care enough to try to commit suicide. I'm apprehensive though, because my mother was on zoloft for depression before she was dxed BP, and when she was at the 200mg/day dose it sent her into a manic episode where she was hospitalized for four days. I feel like the medicine is helping me cope with the depression a little better but more in an "I don't care about anything" sort of day. I havent really felt manic though I have noticed an increased desire to drink and an ability to drink a lot more while taking it and still remain pretty lucid, which isnt really a positive sign. I decided to cut back and havent binged since for about a week now so its not an overwhelming compulsion. Also, the other day a friend asked me if I wanted to hang out but I had no way to get there, and this was at 9;30 pm mind you, so I decided I would walk the 25 miles to his house. I left my house at 10:45 pm and got to his at 4:10 am, walking nonstop and I barely even got tired nor was I that sore in the morning. I feel like I can see some improvement from taking the zoloft but and the same time I get the feeling that Im playing with fire. I sincerely apologized for this massively run-on paragraph but I havent been writing much lately and It seems too much of a chore to tidy it up. I wish i could see a psychiatrist but I have no insurance and a really meager job. I really am craving other people's comments/opinions/suggestions, and would be sincerely grateful for them. Meds
1500mg Lithium Carbonate (750mg x2 daily)
150mg Trazodone at Bedtime
|
