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05/20/2010 03:31 PM

Hello everyone, new here, looking for help/opinion

notquitesure
Posts: 123
Member

I decided that i would join because i guess i feel similar to some of the stories told on here. I've been having a real rough time as of late. Just a little background, im a 21 year old male college dropout. Ive recently hit a new low with suicidal thoughts etcetera and a real bad depression characterized by hopelessness and amotivational features. As far back as I remember I was depressed as a younger child especially from 12 on up more. I was never previously suicidal nor did I have thoughts of dying until very recently. To be honest around 18 years of age I started self medicating with drugs/alcohol as an escape from feeling so bland. I havent really developed any kind of true addiction though I realize now that it was way more detrimental than helpful. I guess the reason I joined this forum was so I could get some feedback other than family or friends because I feel that they always tend to minimize how I feel sometimes. I suppose that may or may not be true because I feel like I can't really open up to any of them about how truly hopeless I feel. Anyways, a few weeks ago I went to a free clinic to see a GP because things had gotten so bad that I felt I could not go on. I explained my symptoms and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was prescribed zoloft 50mg per day and told to come back in 6-8 weeks. Here's the bad part-I neglected to mention that my mother is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, not sure if it is I or II but i would tend towards I. Her mother was also. I was just so depressed that I really felt like I needed something to help me fast otherwise I couldn't go on. I've tried to go over this in my head and I don't "think" i've ever had a manic episode before, barring possibly once last year. It is really hard to describe how i felt then but it lasted about 4-5 days. I will do my best-I woke up one day and felt kind of detached, with minor feeling of depersonalization I would say. I suppose I felt kind of up, sort of in mood but more in energy, definitely a lot of energy. Some mild racing thoughts and anxiety. I drove into 35 minutes into town only to figure out that when I got there the place I was going to was closed, but I remember thinking It was weird that this did not bother me in the slightest. My vision seemed more vivid than normal and everything seemed a little brighter with a slight sheen to it, especially in the shower, the running water looked real brilliant and it was semi-disconcerting. The worst part was that I would stay up really late and then try to lay down and go to sleep but then the racing thoughts would seem to get worse and I would have a lot more anxiety then. I was only sleeping 3-4 hours those few days which is really abnormal for me I usually sleep about 8 hours or sometimes 9 and if I get 6 hours hours I will think that i barely slept. Well I not feel tired during this "episode," I just had the feeling like my mind was like a train going faster and faster. I also had the feeling of having what I would describe as a migraine like aura around my head but without a headache. As this continued I kept coming to the thought that "somethings going to happen, this can't go on like this" or "something big is about to happen" and then immediately I would think to myself that those were really irrational thoughts. I didnt do anything outside of the house other than reading lots and lots and exercising which I kind of was doing anyways. Eventually I went to the ER because by the 3rd day I felt like i couldnt sleep at all and was becoming very agitated. I was given a CT scan of my head and prescribed some xanax to help me sleep. CT scan came back "essentially normal." The xanax helped me sleep and by the 6th day or so those symptoms had almost completely abated. Fast forward a year later to now and i've been on the zoloft for 3 weeks now. It seemed to give me energy in the beginning and after about 10 days on it made me more lethargic and apathetic in the sense that well im still depressed but I dont care enough to be concerned about it and dont care enough to try to commit suicide. I'm apprehensive though, because my mother was on zoloft for depression before she was dxed BP, and when she was at the 200mg/day dose it sent her into a manic episode where she was hospitalized for four days. I feel like the medicine is helping me cope with the depression a little better but more in an "I don't care about anything" sort of day. I havent really felt manic though I have noticed an increased desire to drink and an ability to drink a lot more while taking it and still remain pretty lucid, which isnt really a positive sign. I decided to cut back and havent binged since for about a week now so its not an overwhelming compulsion. Also, the other day a friend asked me if I wanted to hang out but I had no way to get there, and this was at 9;30 pm mind you, so I decided I would walk the 25 miles to his house. I left my house at 10:45 pm and got to his at 4:10 am, walking nonstop and I barely even got tired nor was I that sore in the morning. I feel like I can see some improvement from taking the zoloft but and the same time I get the feeling that Im playing with fire. I sincerely apologized for this massively run-on paragraph but I havent been writing much lately and It seems too much of a chore to tidy it up. I wish i could see a psychiatrist but I have no insurance and a really meager job. I really am craving other people's comments/opinions/suggestions, and would be sincerely grateful for them.
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05/20/2010 03:52 PM
WTF
WTF  
Posts: 1544
Senior Member

Welcome, that is alot to take in. First you are doing the right thing by coming here. This is a very suppottive forum with many caring people who go through alot of the same issues. My first piece of advise is to find a psych-doc. You would rather be told you dont need to see them again than to wish you had gone months/years earlier.

I am not a doc but some of what you describe sounds alot like mania to me. I would get a pros opinion.

Hang in there and keep posting.


05/20/2010 03:55 PM
butterfly09576
butterfly09576  
Posts: 378
Member

welcome to the group. i have found this site really helpful. i am sorry you aare feeling this way. i am bipolar, and actually am coming out of a really bad depression. i actually attempted suicide 3 times and started cutting again really bad. i was hospitalized for 9 days, and went through therapy program, which has helped. i am in no way a doctor, but that episode you describe sounds like mania, but you should talk to a doc abou that. just a few things i have learned...not to scare you, but bipolar is commonly misdiagnosed as depression at first, and usually a doc has to know you for some months before he can offically diagnose you. whatever they diagnose you as, there are people to help. i have been diagnosed for less than a year. i am still learning. it is a process. everyone on this site here to help. i have also learned that posting on here is a big help, no matter the question, there will be feedback. i hop e things get better for you. let us know how you are doing.

05/20/2010 03:57 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16593
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I'm sorry you have been going through this hard time. I would look into the government help on insurance so you can get in to see a psychiatrist. They are the ones that know all about symptoms and can diagnose. Look around for some low cost mental facilities too. It does sound a lot like bipolar, but I'm not a doctor, so I can't be for sure. I hope you get the help that you need and the medication you need also. Welcome MDJ, enjoy!! Hugs

Post edited by: Joy75, at: 05/20/2010 04:05 PM


05/20/2010 04:01 PM
notquitesure
Posts: 123
Member

wow thanks everybody for the super quick responses. You're right, it really does feel better to at least post about how you feel. I know you cant give a medical opinion but i just wanted some personal opinions and I appreciate them.

05/20/2010 04:14 PM
Van

Notquitesure- I can relate. I am BP1. I have been through some really bad times. I get very high( mania) and very low ( depression.I am on a lot of meds to bring me down. They are working pretty good.I have been stable for a while. I really need my psychiatrist.He knows my moods and symptoms.I really got messed up, because I would not listen. It is not worth it. I listen very well now, Van

05/21/2010 07:29 AM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42705
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hello and welcome. I am sorry you have had so much going on with bipolar. It can really mess us up. Zoloft send me into a manic state very quickly and would never touch it again. Joy has pointed out that you should seek out care at other possible ways. My city has public health clinics that include mental health care. Also the state does, too. Also my count. See if your city has other resources to go to and check out your county or state medical insurance so you can see a psychiatrist. There are other avenues for you. Hang in there. This is a very supportive group here and you will get that support you are looking for.

05/21/2010 08:32 AM
ApRiLGeTsAngry77

Welcome to the group- I am glad you posted. First of all by being the group leader of the Self Esteem and Positive Thinking Group, I noticed the negativity when you mentioned you were a college drop out. How do you feel about that?

Would you mind disclosing what state you live in? Maybe some of us that have free time could help you do some of the research to find a clinic that could help you.

Just a thought!

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