Bipolar Support Group

I haven't really shared this... I want to see if anyone can relate. I was diagnosed with bipolar/schitzophrenic tendencies about 10 years ago. Didn't take meds for about 7 years and for 3 years I have. Anyway I try to do everything right... but usually I feel like shit. I have suicidal thoughts. I get confused easily. To the point where I seriously feel my brain is "malfunctioning". Any rise in stress level, even if I am not aware of it consiously... causes me to go into a hypomanic state... I have vivid dreams... I see signs in waking life that seem to be leading me somewhere but always lead nowhere... and sometimes I see things that aren't there. I feel that I have no say as far as my doctor is concerned. I seriously feel like I'm just holding on. I'm not living. I fake being normal... And this is all when I am taking my meds every day... not drinking... you know doing what's right. I seriously think this is a curse... and if I didn't fear hell, I would take my life, because I don't think that anyone would miss me for very long. I hate life or my life and what it has become and I don't feel like it's my fault. Can anyone relate to this?

Jay

Certainly been there Jay. Welcome aboard. I felt pretty darn shabby last week, then found tremendous peace and calm, after talking to some of the many wonderful people, on here that can relate, to you too. Hang in there. You are on the right track.

I can!

Welcome BoCephus too!

Thanks

Absolutely. I was very isolated. In my own head all the time. You have a say-just educate yourself-then you can make intelligent decisions and talk to your doctor in an assertive way. This is YOUR health. If you feel your doctor is not listening to you-time for a new one. It's a two way relationship. I know about the signs and the dreams and the delusions. I've also gotten through it with lots of support-talking about the delusions-talking,talking,talking. Sometimes you need a fellow the same illness and is in a good place mentally to bring you back to the ground.xo

Hi stilllivin:

Welcome to the site

Do you also see a therapist? Sometimes talking to a therapist can help you sort through those thoughts and feelings.

Sharing things on a site like this has helped me. Do you have any other support group you can go to?

And no, it's not your fault. You have an illness, just as we all have an illness. NOT your fault.

Thanks for the reply...

No, I don't have a therapist. I think I have known I should have, but, I have put it off... probably because I have a hard time trusting someone with the thoughts that go through my head. But, your right, it might help. I'll check into it the next time I go to the VA.

Have a good day...

Jay

And just to add, it's nice to actually hear from people that can relate to me. I know there are many of us... but, when I'm on my own, I seriously get the feeling that every one else is "just fine". That's when I go into myself and hide. That's when I feel alone. I am sure a lot of what I go through is in my head... my mind playing tricks on me. It's the "getting out of my head" that is difficult. Or I haven't found the key yet. Thanks again for listening. Peace

yes, I can relate. Hanging on but not living Wow you expressed just how I feel. I find alot of hope and support here though. Just keep hanging on, the desire to live may come later.