First off, I just want to say that I despise introductions, I prefer just jumping in and doing stuff, but I figured "wth" here since this is really personal to me.
Anyway, I'm not new to this, I know my emotions really well, when I'm manic, when I'm depressed (even more so) and I've been diagnosed for a little under a year.
How everyone found out that I was bipolar wasn't my mood swings, it was rather that I couldn't sleep. Now that sounds easy and not so bad right? I went 10 days with only 30 hours of sleep. I passed out three times, had dreams where the edges of my vision flashed red, exhaustion ripped through my body, made it pound, my whole awareness was dimmed. It was horrible and I took home a sleep phobia from that that got better as time went on though the first time I took a sleeping pill, I went into a panic attack.
Anyway, I'm I think type 2 bipolar, I get more depressed then manic. Usually, I don't have full blown episodes, just I feel one way for a few hours, then the other for a few hours, but it's not really bad. I'm not a rapid cycler like I'm making it sound, the swings aren't bad. It's not a living hell, I can deal with it. Besides, mania's fun, and since it's hard for me to really feel sad besides the bipolar, I like the change of pace when I'm depressed. My emotions have increased too, I take everything more emotionally now. Not crying emotional, but things mean more to me now. Sure, I have thoughts of suicide when depressed, but they're more "far back in my mind, away from everything else, weak, haven't even moved my hands in the direction of a knife" type feelings, and they never last long anyway. Besides, I've had regular access to knives since being bipolar and haven't tried to commit suicide once yet. I even have two in my room.
Speaking of knives... even though I'm type 2 bipolar, I don't take antidepressants. Last time I took antidepressants, I cut myself. Bad enough to leave scars. After I stopped taking them and they lost their influence over me, I stopped doing it. Still though, they made me feel a mix of extreme depression, and physical need to knife myself. Akin to how you would ache for food if you went without it. Antidepressants scare the hell out of me now.
Right now, I'm in a manic episode that's been going on for over three days. My second real episode in a little under a year (I've had one depressed, one manic, and one mixed episode all together, all lasted only a week). First two days, I slept enough but still felt tired, but on the third (today) I only slept four hours and don't feel that tired. Mania is badass like that, especially when you can stay up long hours and not feel a thing, I feel like Superman when I do that xD Besides, I'm one of those people who hates going to bed til absolutely exhausted, so when I get lucky and go manic before the 16 hour up mark, I'm so happy.
Speaking of staying up, I had something weird happen to me a week or so ago. I stayed up too late and went to bed really tired. Normally, no matter what now, it always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep, no exceptions. This time though, I was too tired to lay there for an hour. And well, you know that pull of sleep thing? Where sleep jerks you into falling asleep and you feel this pull inside? I haven't felt that since I became diagnosed, but that day I did. I lay there and I was like "omg, I'm so tired" I couldn't even hardly think straight. Then sleep decides to step in. It puts it's foot on me, grabs my consciousness with both hands, yells "THAT'S IT, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME" and pulls. I felt the pull, my awareness slipped inside myself for a minute, everything went black, and then... I opened my eyes, looked at the clock and noted that not even a minute had passed. The cool thing was though, that I felt less tired, like I'd slept a little bit. I totally absorbed the pull of sleep. See, this is why some people think they're God or something. A lot of the symptoms of bipolar might suck, but a lot of it's like a performance upgrade. Like not needing sleep, being more goal oriented, more fluent with speaking, creativity, etc.
Speaking of badass symptoms, there's one in particular that I really wish I had. And that is the ability to burn myself and not feel it. I know two people with bipolar (I know like ten people with it in real life) and they've both done this. One said he put a lighter flame up to his hands to warm them up, and didn't feel a thing. I tried this one day actually. I was like "Well, if they can do it, why can't I do it too? We're all bipolar" so I walked into the kitchen, turned a burner on, and put my hand over it... and then I let out an expletive, and an "OW!" Most of the cool symptoms seem to not like me >.>
I don't even get cool hallucinations like some people do, just random murmuring voices in the next room, like a crowded apartment building or concert hall/ auditorium or something. They're so stupid, I can't even tell what they're saying except for once when I heard the word "Origins" Occasionally they're not voices though, I heard a guy go "hah!" like he was weight lifting and a girl laughed in my ear once but normally they suck. I really wanted to try and pick out what they were saying too. I figure it this way:
the hallucinations are from my subconscious.
The people you see in dreams, Dream Characters, are also from my subconscious.
Dream characters can tell you about yourself when asked questions, or just in the context of the dream sometimes. I've had it happen like that before. So maybe the hallucinations would be able to tell me about myself too.
"That would be so awesome!"
but all I get is *murmur* *murmur* *murmur* "origins" *murmur* "ha!" *murmur* *laugh* God I sometimes wish I could just physically strike my hallucinations just for being so lame.
I know hallucinations are probably scary for some people, but I want to see if you could control them like you can sleep paralysis hallucinations. If you get locked in SP, and freak out cuz you can't move, you will have terrifying hallucinations. Like I've heard strange moaning, saw my ceiling getting ripped away into tiles off into space, and heard "unearthly feminine eating noises" like how you'd imagine a monster would eat, just gobbling everything down. I don't know exactly how I knew it was a woman either, but I could tell. If however, you can master your fear and stop being scared, they will change or go away completely. Some people say that they see all kinds of bright colors, and feel like they're going down a tunnel. When I heard the "unearthly feminine eating noises" I was a bit freaked out. But then I manipulated my own emotions, made myself stop being scared and got excited instead at the prospect of hallucinations and they changed to nothing hallucinations. All I remember was a blue bag tied to a piece of rope, hitting a brick wall which naturally didn't do anything to me.
Anyway, I think that's enough for now, I want to go watch my anime now.
One thing though, can someone tell me if bipolar's supposed to get stronger with age? Like when I'm fifty will it take a real toll on me? I've noticed a few symptoms increase in strength before.
