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dcguilt
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Hi, I was married for 25 years, my husband was always depressed, on medications. quit working in 2000 and really never got another job, always had an excuse. I supported us and never complained. In the last 4 years he became more and more verbally abusive. It got to the point where he kept threatening to kill me, told me that I could never leave he would hunt me down, etc. I did not know at the time he was bipolar. he would lie to his doctor so he did not know what was really going on. I woud have to endure what I call nightmares. I would try to go to bed and had to get up at 4:00a.m. but my husband would keep barging in the bedroom and scream at me for one thing or another. it continued to get worse. in Dec of 2006 while we were fighting he pulled out a big kitchen knife and I ran out of the room, in his haste he cut his hand so bad he had to have 5 hours of surgery but his hand was never the same. I would always make up with him trying to make everything OK.. all he did was get addicted to pain pills which made him that much more unpredictable. in August of 2007 after secretly making arrangements I decided to run away, I quit my job of 16 years, left him everything (except for the bills) the weekend before I left he would not allow me out of the bedroom and screamed at me that I deserved to die, over and over again, I went to work that Monday and told my bosses that I could not wait till the following week to leave (that was my original plan) I truly thought I was going to die if I stayed another week. On Tuesday morning he woke up in a good mood, wanted to cook me breakfast before I left for work, I made an excuse that I had to get work early (I was scared to death that he would get a hint that all my clothes were gone) I kissed him goodbye and told him I loved him. I drove for 6 hours to my secret destination. I paid his rent for the next month and had all his meds etc. all paid for him but only left him $ 100 because I didnt want him to have enough money to track me down. The next morning the had to baker act him because he was driving his car recklessly trying to find me, his brother checked him out within 36 hours. About 4 weeks after I ran away I got a call from my Mom and was told that my husband of 25 years hanged himself. My first reaction was that I killed him, the police told me that they honestly believe he would have killed me with him if I would have stayed however several months later I find myself questioning myself on what I could have done differently. No one in my life really wants to discuss any of this, it makes them uncomfortable and they changed the subject so I don't bring it up any more. The only reason I stayed with him as long as I did was becuase I believed you did marry for better or worse, till death do you part. I did not want to die but I was all that he had in this world and he could not deal with not having a job or thinking that I was with another man, I never went out on him, and till this day have not even had the thought of wanting to meet another man. I have a cat and my days and nights are very peaceful and safe. Can anyone out there tell me how to forgive myself for giving up? I used to say I could not save us both so I saved myself. |
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norma
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I am writing this with tears running down my cheeks. Bless you. You had to save yourself. The policeman was right, he may have killed you too. As hard as it is to face you did the right thing. Please go to therapy to help yourself. Guilt is a terrible thing. You have not guilt in this, he was sick. You tried to help him. There is no guilt on your part. Sometimes we look to blame someone for things that happen. It is a way of trying to make sense of an insane situation. You did not make him sick. You did not kill him. Allow yourself permission to be healthy and whole. Get some good counseling. Enjoy your peaceful safe nights. Pamper the cat, (I love cats) give yourself time to heal, you have been through a lot. Keep posting here...we are here for you. You are not alone. {{{HUG}}} "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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zinnia
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my god, my dearest-you have no guilt in this. norma is right. the only thing you are responsible for is refusing to play the victim. you did what you did to save yourself. i deal with a lot of women who suffer from domestic violence in my work. this same story happens a lot. when these guys have no woman to control anymore, they snap, give up and take their own lives. guilt is a common reaction, but it's not one you deserve. you survived!! you survived!! you are a hero, not a victim and not responsible for the fact that he didn't get the help he needed. forgiveness is not something you do for others. it's something you do for you. you let go of the burden so that you can heal and walk through your life doing what you were intended to do. let god or whatever you believe in take care of him. forgive yourself first and then forgive him. i often advise my clients to make a ceremony out of letting go. take something that was meaningful to you about him. get a good friend or family member to help you. go outside and build a little fire in the barbque. then say some prayers, poetry or whatever is meaningful to you. then burn the item. as the ashes drift off into the sky, let go of your guilt, anger, victimhood, and fear about your new life. say goodbye to all of it. breath and feel the burden lift. it works for a lot of us. make the ceremony your own. you are smart and a survivor. you know what will really work for you. you are not a bad person because of someone else's choices. you are a good person because you didn't allow yourself to be hurt any longer. i send all blessings and peace your way. keep posting here. there are a lot of good folks who would be more than happy to talk to you about this while you work through it. many hugs. z. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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keepthefaith
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dcguilt, First of all, you gotta change your name from dcguilt, to dcnotresponsible.  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS DEATH! I have read many stories about abuse here, and you have probably endured more, and for longer, that any I can remember. You were in a dangerous situation, and were right to fear for your life. He threatened to kill you. You did the right thing, and probably should have sooner. And even more to the point, HE was responsible for his behavior, and for finding treatment to correct it. We can only control ourselves, and cannot control others. My wife, Karen, is bipolar, and became manic, paranoid, and delusional last fall. Despite all my efforts, I could not control her, and she had to be the one to seek treatment and take the steps to make herself better. I'm sorry nobody in your family want to discuss this with you.    You NEED to talk about it. Norma is exactly right, you MUST get some counseling to deal with it. We can offer lots of support and understanding, but you would be better served by a professional. Call and make an appointment, and when you do, ask for a counselor who can deal with the grief of losing a spouse. If your not making progress after a while, try a different counselor. But, please do it, OK? Nonetheless, keep coming here. This is a wonderful site, filled with great people eager to help in any way they can. They, along with my wife's fabulous family, carried me thru the darkest days of my life when Karen became manic last fall, and had to be hospitalized 6 times before we found the right combination of medications to stabilize her. Let us know how things are going, OK? Sincerely, Paul Post edited by: keepthefaith, at: 06/30/2008 06:27 |
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kellybell
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Oh darling.When someone takes their life, this is what the survivors are left with. Guilt and unanswered questions. But this was not your fault. He was sick,and you HAD to get away. It was the only way for you to survive. You made the right decision. You came to the right place. We are here to support you. Zinnia's idea is a really a really good one. Sometimes doing something phsyical, like writing a letter and burning it, can help. Hook up with a therapist, if you can. They can help in the most amazing ways. Until then, we are here for you. |
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WARHORSE
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DCguilt: I wish I could add something meaningful to what the others have said. You are NOT responsible for what your husband did, and I am also greatful that you are still here with us. Everything you have described about his behavior indicates mania, and more than likely psychotic too. Please get some counseling so that you can understand that you are not responsible for his death. Only he is. "Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds? Or just a little cheaper than spit?"--Jim Steinham
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"When I was diagnosed I was scared didn't know what to do or where to go..I started reserching bipolar and somehow ended up here at MD....Again scared but needing to know what was in store I asked a question..WOW the people who care..I know I would be lost now if I did not join..made many friends and they have helped me through thick and thin. and never judged...........XX Thank you MD and all.Love all of you.......Laurie Pachin" (puppylover)