Hello, and here's my life

It has not been a fun day. It has not been a fun month, either.

I am sick of crying. I am sick of being accused of master-minding some evil conspiracy to chemically restrain my husband. I am sick of feeling responsible for everything that needs to be done with the kids, the house, the bills...you name it, it's my job. He's not able to give me any support. He is able to criticize everything I do, especially when he's manic. He wrote me a letter, expressing how I 'have my way', and he is 'becoming slack jawed and stupid' from the meds. When I told him I love him, he shot back 'Yeah, and Lenny loved his puppy too' (in reference to 'Of Mice and Men')

No one understands why I stay, sometimes I wonder why I do.

He misses the fire in his mind more than he loves me. How do I compete with that? Part of me feels like I am an awful person for insisting he be medicated. Part of me knows he would have gone out in a blaze of glory a long time ago without it.

I wish he understood that I love him more than I hate his illness.

He has more problems than just bipolar disorder, in my opinion. Your doing everything for keeping the family together allows him to have no resonsibilities. If he can get stable and is medically compliant there is hope. Depends on his willingness to do so.

We are here for you. There are many people who go through this battle of having to try and keep a family together, while at the same time trying to help a spouse who is sick.

Glad you joined us...you are not alone, dear.. by the way i have bipolar disorder.

Post edited by: norma, at: 06/29/2008 11:13

Blessings on you.

When do you expect the error on medicade to be fixed?

Wiliam(my husband) went back on his meds on sunday, about two hours before my post. By monday morning, he was himself, or I should say, the William I know instead of the angry stranger. He knows I was upset by his words, but does not really understand why. Remembering a manic episode for him seems to be like looking backwards through a foggy funhouse mirror, he just can't see himself as the angry stranger clearly at all. I can see the two sides of him as distinct and separate, but he has no sensation of being two totally different men.

He is an amazing and intelligent person, and truly my best friend. Loving him is like breathing for me, and when he's stable he is the same towards me and the kids. When he's not stable, he's almost feral but always intelligent; quite a bad combination considering he's 6'6" and around 450 lbs of unreasonable bear-shaped ferocity.

It took three weeks for this last episode to erupt. Our case worker screwed up his recertification, dodged phone calls for a week, then went on a two week vacation. His medicaid was finally reactivated after weeks of leaving messages for supervisors of supervisors, and many many duplicate forms being filled out. No one there seems to have a clue how dangerous it is to have William unmedicated, which is frustrating to say the least. On the plus side, he did get approved for SSI, so much of our problem with Social Services should be solved soon.