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10/20/2007 06:13 AM

Not one more thing...

Rowyn
Posts: 1
Member

Good morning...I decided I needed help this morning on dealing with my situation. My husband was diagnosed with bipolar (NOS) as of May 2007. The way we discovered the bipolar was fairly tragic, as he had taken our family to a hotel for Mother's Day so the kids could swim, we could relax (I was pregnant with our son), etc...during this weekend outing, our landlord was supposed to be putting in new carpet. After a day or two of r and r, my ex-husband called me at the hotel to ask if I knew what was going on at my house...???? At that point, I learned that we had actually been EVICTED from our house, along with all of our belongings, pets, and so on. By the time I found out, most of our things---family treasures, baby pictures, children's toys, furniture, Christmas keepsakes, computers, well...you get the picture---all of it was gone, taken by passersby or greedy people who profit from other people's misfortune.

It was at this point I found out my husband had not paid rent in 2 months...BUT THOUGHT HE HAD! As I was on bedrest for my pregnancy and feeling so ill most of the time, I had trusted---as I always do trust him---that he could handle the bills, the kids, the house, while I was trying to feel better. He actually TOLD me stories of paying the rent that were nothing short of believable.

As a result, we were homeless, penniless (come to find out he had spent our last dollar out of the checking account even though our register said otherwise.)

My husband had not been attending his job for several weeks, had been hiding the bills/eviction notice from me

The discovery of these truths threw him into a psychotic episode, he ended up at the psych ER and is now taking depakote and zyprexa. I found a place for us to live and talked my ex out of filing for full custody of my children, because he was worried about their safety with my current husband.

Things were going as smoothly as could be expected. The medicine seemed to be working, my husband found a new job, we were paying bills on time...even though I was on bedrest, still, we made accomodations to ensure I received the mail, the bills, and so on...

Then during week 31 of my pregnancy, our son died. he was stillborn on September 11, 2007...We both felt (and feel) so lost---so surreal that this precious life was taken away...but we moved forward day by day. My husband decided to ask his boss for his old job back and was successful in doing so.

I just found out yesterday that once again, he has not been working (the pay period is once a month and we did not receive his paycheck) He has memories of going to work...memories that never occurred. Yesterday I found out he had stopped taking his Zyprexa for about a month... (I found it hidden in the bedroom) because he thought his Dr. had told him to do so...

Not one more thing...I am not sure how my "day by day' approach can help me through this, as I feel so helpless...yet need to be so strong for my children, my husband, myself... The grief process itself is so debilitating, now compound it with this new information...

I just wanted to start connecting with other spouses of bp's and other bp's who might be able to help me understand...and perhaps maintain my own sanity. It is very difficult for someone w/out bp to understand the hallucinations and breaks from reality.

Thanks to any and all who read this VERY long message...I am looking for help.

Appreciatively,

Rowyn

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10/20/2007 10:46 AM
peach
peach  
Posts: 267
Member

Hi Rowyn,

I'm glad you are here. I'm terribly sorry about your situation and your son. That must be horrible. But you are here and you can maybe find some answers about being the spouse of a BP person. Bless you. If you feel like you want to vent but not post, please feel free to PM me. I'm always around...I am Peach. I'm just about 37 and have been recently diagnosed. I'm married with one child and have been out of work because of my disability for some time now. (Hoping to learn to be able to work again).

Remember to be good to yourself. Take care! --peach


10/20/2007 12:52 PM
ashcutee

Hi Rowyn

So sorry to hear about your son. God Bless You during this very tough time. My husband was sent to the hospital yesterday and I have no clue what I am supposed to do. I have never encountered with someone with a mental illness and have been very very patient.

Right now my husband hates me, won't talk to me and says I am responsible for his embarrassment at the hospital( he was handcuffed as he did not co operate).

It is very hard to decipher at that moment when he is talking if its a real person or the illness talking.


10/20/2007 05:14 PM
Laur
 
Posts: 74
Member

Hi Rowan- I am so sorry about your situation. I

really wish there was something else to say to

help you RIGHT AWAY. Please think of

yourself and your children. Contact your states

social services if you need help with housing,

social security to try to get financial help for yourself and the kids.

My husband has lied horribly and gotten us into

serious problems ( not as bad as yours) but he has written himself a check for two thousand dollars,

wrote 500 in the ledger so I went a month thinking there was 1500 more in the acct than there was.

I bounced our mortgage check & a couple bills.

I have come home early from work, opened credit

card bills in our name that I didn't recognize

and found out he forged my name on credit card

applications and ran them up $900 in one month.

etc etc. (No joint acct. anymore!)

He too has hallucinations or whatever and swears

things were or were never said. I am working on the paperwork for the lawyer. I can't stand the sick butterflies re:

what the H is going to be the next thing he pulls.

Remember you are not alone.

I hope you have support of family & friends near you

(((HUG)))

Laur


10/20/2007 07:03 PM
ashcutee

Everything WILL work out- Be positive. Thats the key. No one knows what will happen tomorrow but focusing on something that has not happened is nothing but a path to self destruction.

Make sure you are safe and so are your children. Know when to draw the line.


10/21/2007 03:27 AM
heatherr
heatherr  
Posts: 395
Member

Im so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others, look out for yourself and your children's best interest. We are always here!

10/21/2007 08:39 AM
JR1
 
Posts: 974
Senior Member

Dear Rowyn,

Your post has been really troubling to me.

I have experienced what your husband seems to be experiencing--so you might say I have been in his shoes, but not (at least not often) in your shoes.

Your post sounds factual and passionate, but not emotional. I guess that's what troubles me.

My first wife was strong--as you are. She had a job too and she made enough money that she didn't have to rely on me. It has been thirty-plus years since we divorced, and, during a recent reunion visit, she told me that I had a habit of just disappearing for days or weeks--that I would give her a reason and go!

I do not remember any of those times.

I could not hold a job for long then, and, in fact, I have had more than 59 jobs.

She continued to support me through every job change, every crisis, always, I guess, somehow excusing me, never really challenging me or what I was doing. The only thing that I knew was that I didn't "feel right."

I was not so far gone that I didn't recognize my failures, and, initially when I failed, I went to my wife for forgiveness. As time went on, however, I became acutely aware of my ongoing failure, and I began to feel guilty. Guilt then caused me to start hiding my failures from her, and I suppose that's when my schizophrenic episodes began.

My mind, I suppose, began to construct an alternative reality to enable me to avoid my failures or my fear of failure--whichever. I do not mean to blame my wife, but I mean to say that she continued to support and forgive me. It looks to me now as though her forgiveness and support had actually somehow reinforced my state of mind. Maybe I knew, deep down, that I could always find safe harbor with her--I don't know.

I do know that neither of us really understood what was happening, and that we were totally blind to the subtle dependence we had, one with the other, which helped to hide what was happening.

My fear, my guilt, my shame--they all built up in me until I could no longer face my wife and until I had absolutely no ability to deal with life. I finally left, and I spent years hiding in my illness and avoiding any lasting connections with people, places, or things.

In 1993, I managed to "take one more prisoner!"

I pursuaded my present wife to marry me. We had a rocky start, but we survived. All my problems somehow remained hidden from my wife, but in 1999, when I began to cause her problems, she avoided being around me. She simply (and unknowingly) let me languish in my misery. She stayed out of my way, she drew on the strength and help of friends and family, and she let go of me and my problems. She had not done so out of anger or reprisal or with a sense of punishment.

My wife was merely confused to see me and to see what was happening to me, and she avoided dealing with it.

I tell you today, Rowyn, by letting me go, my wife SAVED MY LIFE! By taking care of herself first she survived my disease, if you can appreciate the irony in that; and she was thus able to remain with me into my recovery--that she was finally able to see and have a loving, caring, and sane relationship with me.

There's one more thing that I need to tell you.

One night, I found myself on my knees, alone, and desperate. I cried "God help me!" That's the prayer of desperation--a cry for help which has come from the lips of both atheist and believer. The point is that neither she nor any human could have helped me until my pain forced me to surrender to the need for help.

Yes, I could have ended my life at that time, Rowyn, but I happen to believe that none of us really wants that. I believe that our guilt, our resentment, our fear, and our shame makes suicide seem like a sensible way to escape. I believe that, if we are allowed to face and deal with guilt, resentment, fear, and shame, we will always choose to live. But, then that's MY story, isn't it?

I like what Peach had to say:

"Remember to be good to yourself."

...and find someone who is capable of helping your hubby, while he still has some lucid moments. When he's ready for help, you'll be happy that you have someone ready to help him.

With kindest regards,

Jim

P.S. I learned a lot of what I have told you by communicating honestly and openly with my loved ones, my friends, my therapist, and hundreds of others like me whom I have encountered during my recovery!

I learned, in short, once again to trust and to use that trust in others to see myself! What a marvelous journey I am having!!

Post edited by: JR1, at: 10/21/2007 11:36


10/21/2007 09:20 AM
Gypsy
Gypsy  
Posts: 1646
Senior Member

Hi,

I have a similar story, that Jim has.

I also feel sorry that you are going through this, too. I went through some similar experiences in past relationships. I have had to recover from all of it.

It's just my opinion, but, I don't have to keep allowing others to treat me badly, bipolar, or not. But, how I stopped letting people do that, is, I went and got help,through therapy, and family, and of course, I got help with my bipolar, and my codependency.

I had someone leave me when, I was pregnant,and had 2 kids to support. I had no job, no house, and he decided not to help me with any of the care for the kids, or any of the rest of it, either. It was the hardest, but rewarding experience, ever. I had to learn how to stop depending on a man for my security, and learn how to take care of me. It's been a long road, and it takes a lot of work.

I am bipolar, too, and have put people through a lot , mostly my parents, and family. They did the same thing Jim's wife did, they supported me as much as they could, but, they eventually had to get out of the way , and allow me to go until, I finally hit bottom, in all areas of my life.

No one could keep me from acting out. No one could make me get help until, I was ready. Sometimes it's using the "No" word that helps people the most. That is what helped me, and that's what has saved me from other's behavior.

Anyway, I hope you find the help you need to get out of this situation, and keep us posted. We are all here for you.

God bless, Gypsy

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