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otterlover1234
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Well you guys, I guess it's time to get down to it. I have this role I play sometimes. A bipolar person, but one who is fighting hard and winning. I'm NOT winning now, not by far. I'm tired of pretending when I'm so scared all the time. Three years ago my husband quit his railroad job. I've been fighting my own ilnesses (I have fibromyalgia too) to support us. Finally two months ago he got a good job. I thought I would have some time to breath a little. But no, now he's threatening to quit his job. It's gotten really, really bad this week. My husband is someone who's had a tough time of it for a long time. He's like me, he fights hard to be a good person. But the truth is that he's a very controlling person too. No one can unhinge me like Jim can. I'm absolutely scared to death he'll quit his job, or even worse keep it and keep up his rant that he's started this week. I think he wants me to say he can quit his job. We are all out of favors with our landlady. It would mean leaving our house and our dogs and our land. Tomorrow I have to get cleaned up and go to work and be professional. I'm so tired and nervous and sick. Jim is now sleeping peacefully. Usually when he passes his junk onto me, then he calms down, until I come to my senses again. HOw can I think about work when I want to hide under the couch till I calm down? I even thought of suicide, although I will NEVER go out that way. It's just a comforting thought. I hope some of you know what I mean. I don't know if this is fair to all of you or not, but I need to know someone is out there. Write me back please, as soon as you can. I'll check back. I'm so scared, and I just can't calm down. It's late here too, no one I can call... Thanks Otter |
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norma
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hey Otter...I am up...you can talk to me...you are not alone. "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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otterlover1234
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I'm glad you're there. What do I do?
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norma
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You need to relax...worrying isn't going to fix a thing. It is normal to worry in a situation like you are in,...I would too...but, is isn't going to solve anything. I know hubby wants to quit his job, but, unless he has another one waiting I would nudge him toward staying employed. Being supportive sometimes means saying please hold up your end of the bargain. Since he is sleeping peacefully...you let him worry about his part of bringing in money to pay the rent. It is not going to get solved tonight...in any event. As far as the suicidal thoughts...PLEASE IF YOU ARE THINKING LIKE THAT YOU NEED TO GET HELP...unless it is a random thought and you are just voicing it...suicide is not an answer to anything. I am right here if you need to talk for a while... "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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norma
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I see you logged off...I am going to go to bed. i will make sure I keep you in my prayers tonight...and hope tomorrow brings you some good things...hugs, Norma "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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plugginalong
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yes, calm calm. take big deep breaths. tell yourself not to think of all the horrible 'possibilities' right now. first thing's first, try and get some sleep and cross each bridge when you come to it. maybe you both need something to look forward to? can you make even some small plan to reward you both for your hard struggles in the daily grind? keep talking to Norma over the next few days... |
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vrg631
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Hi Otter. I can't imagine what you must be going thru.I'm also glad to see that you're leaning on the group for support.I just started a few days ago and just listening to everyone's daily grind is a big help. knowing that we're all going thru the same thing and helping one another. Give yourself some credit for all you're going thru and lots of praying. And then act on that prayer. vrg
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DaddiesGirl
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I'm going to be very very honest with you otter. i was diagnosed in oct 06. It took me a year to realize that my husband was my number one trigger. unfortunately with bipolar, we cant handle alot of stress. My hubby is an alcoholic in denial. in our 4 years of marriage, he's totalled 3 cars, wrecked another 2 including the one i'm in now, i've had to pay thousands in court costs and reparation. it got to the point where i hated the alcohol so much that i hated him when he drank. It got the the point where i would come home from work and go straight to my room and stay there. i'd eat there, abuse drugs there, anything not to deal. it was so unhealthy and it was a vicious cycle. But i love him with all my heart and soul and couldnt bring myself to leave him. It took alot of therapy for me to realize that we couldnt function as a healthy couple if we couldnt functino as healthy individuals first. (When you say Jim is sleeping peacefully after he passes his junk onto you). You shouldnt have to put up with his "junk". Not when you have your own "junk" to deal with. so i gave him a choice, me or the alcohol. he chose the alcohol. I have to admit though that since we've been apart, i have improved DRAMATICALLY. i am at least at a level where i can control my triggers. i am no longer using drugs and i am no longer "hiding". i was so completely anti social before (hiding under a couch). Life is no longer too difficult to face. i'm not saying that you are in teh same situation i was, i'm just sharing what i went through. Does your husband know what you are going through? And please, let me know if i'm being to forward, i dont want to offend. |
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carmen33
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Otter dear, like the others have said, we are here, talk to us, and unload your "junk" here, being sole support is tough, no matter how hard you try and hold on, I've been there and done that, married to a man that I could time down almost to the day he would either quit or get fired from his jobs, I'm the one with bipolar and a host of other illness, is your husband willing to seek help? like Daddiesgirl, I had to give mine a choice, become a functioning member of this family, helping to support and doing things here around the house, or get out, change his address and it would not be with me, when we lost the house I had been struggling to buy last July, it was too much for me, I lost my job, the only income we had, our house, I had been trying to keep afloat for 6 years, it was just to much for me to bare anylonger, but I made it through and you will too, remember if your husband isn't willing to function as part of the family you don't have to allow him to be part of that family, you should not and don't deserve to be treated like this nor to live that way.. The best thing that ever happened to me was the wake up call I had last July and I got mad, I got mad at myself for allowing all the crap to continue for as long as I and I got mad at him for putting me there. Please if you feel you are going to hurt yourself, take yourself to the nearest hospital, let them help you.. |
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DaddiesGirl
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thx carmen, not that i like to hear it, but it's good to know that i'm not the only one. sometimes it gets so lonely and you never know if the choices you are making are the right choices. the freinds we have love us but "are not us" and dont understand what we go through. And yes - i got mad at myself also, but didnt let myself dwell too much on the what ifs. |
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