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Hello All- I am a 21-year-old male who has been battling bipolar disorder since high school. I found this forum upon the recommendation of a now ex-girlfriend who has seen my disorder/problem/issues/whatever rear its ugly head, and cared about me enough to refer me to support groups despite my treating her horribly. I don't understand myself and why I do the things I do, and don't expect anyone else to either. I would just like to share my story with others who have fought similar battles. As far as I understand it, bipolar disorder is known to take hold in early adulthood and intensify over time. I began to notice something was not quite "right" with me during my senior year in high school when I was involved with my first semi-serious relationship (first time having sex, talking about love and marriage, etc.). Upon opening up myself emotionally to someone, I developed a sort of "anxiousness" that made me tend to not want to end phone conversations, time together after school etc. I began to purposely hurt her by saying mean things, etc. just to drag on conversations and spend more time with her (obviously not quality time, but time nonetheless). We broke up during my freshman year in college and that is when I began to see a doctor (I did so because I began to feel perpetually sad and self-doubting). I was initially shrugged off by the doctor as simply feeling sad because of losing a first love. Fast-forward a year later, after spring-break of my sophomore year. The previous semester I was promoted to the college scholar's list, had great weekends with friends, and in general was enjoying and soaking up life. The spring semester I began to skip class, sleep all day, not eat or bathe for days at a time, and in general just lost control of myself. I had another girlfriend at the time and began to mistreat her much in the same way. I fell apart that semester and was sent to a psychiatric hospital for a while during the summer. That relationship ended. I was then diagnosed as bipolar II and put on Lamictal (lamotrigine) to help with the mood swings. Wellbutrin was later added to help with my depressive states. It seemed to work OK the fall semester of my junior year (save for a kind-of suicide attempt at the beginning of the fall). This past spring, I really began to crash, ran up a $5000 credit card debt, skipped more classes, cared about myself less and less, I began to have random sex (sometimes protected, sometimes not), binge-drinking and drugs, had great anxiety over HIV testing (thankfully negative), cheated on my current ex, and now I am forced to leave college mid-semester because I have missed so much class. I have to go home with my tail in between my legs... so much shame I just want some advice as to how to keep my head up. I can see as I have been writing this post that I have skipped a lot, but basically I am lost now (both with what I have been writing and with myself). I have seen two different psychiatrists, was switched off the wellbutrin and lamotrigine and put on ativan and seroquel. I am not taking anything now (prob. a bad idea) but I just want some help, someone who understands.. I apologize for the length of this message, I just need to share my story with someone who may understand at least a little what has been going on with me.. Thank you. |
Bipolar Support Forums
