thankful to find support

My name is Lori. I am so happy to have found this website. I have been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. It has been a roller coaster. I am emotionally exhausted. One minute he loves me so much and the next he acts like he hates me. I was told his mom is bipolar but i have never seen any drama with her. He breaks up with me and begs me back. We are currenty engaged and living together but he has decided that he is not in love with me anymore. I am confused b/c i do love him and do not want to leave if it is just another cycle but then again people are starting to think i am crazy for staying b/c he changes his mind and people close to me know i go thru emotional abuse. I cannot hide it. Many times he wont speak to me. He acts like he hates me. I can feel the hate and discust. He refuses to go anywhere with me. He blames me for stuff and criticizes me for the house not being perfect...and he does not like my cats (the only tru love i get). He says hurtful things to me...but he has done this before. I have been in other long term relationships so i know that this is crazy. He sends mixed signals too. It just kills me. I thought i could handle things if i just stayed strong but when he says he does not love me it kills me and i am usually really depressed. This time its been 2 months of his rejection and i am on a waiting list to move..he changed his mind and said he wanted it to work a week ago but has since changed his mind again. I guess i should just let go but i have been involed in his cycles for so long that i have become unstable. He always calls our relationship unstable but its him...i am not the one that changes my mind. He says he is unhappy ....i just need some support i guess. He may be coming out of it he has been kinda nice to me the past few days again so i know i wont leave at this point because i have become addicted to the stupid cycles...which have NO pattern....he just wont speak and acts unhappy and keeps the blinds shut...but he fakes it in front of other people...he is a very good actor. Thanks for any support

That said, has he been diagnosed? Is he on any meds, in therapy?

We are here for you and glad you are with us...

I am by no means an expert, but some of the things you say sound VERY familiar to my wife when she was manic. If I were you I wouldn't progress your relationship to marriage unless he gets in to see a psychiatrist and gets evaluated. He might be bipolar, and he might not, but you need to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life if he won't seek treatment. And you CAN'T force him. You can encourage him, or break off the relationship until he stabilizes, but it must be his decision to get help.

You need to concentrate on what is best for yourself. When my wife was manic, and on the run, spending, portraying me as abusive, demanding divorce, etc, I became depressed, couldn't sleep or eat, and had to get help myself. You can go downhill very quickly and easily.

Relationships with a BP partner can work, but both people need to work at it. If he is unwilling to try, than your chances for a lasting relationship are very small.

Good luck, and keep coming back for support and advise.

(Oh yea, nice screen name!)

Paul

I understand what you are going through...I have been in relationships like that, and came to understand that i was the problem. That is right me...not the other person. I was the problem for allowing myself to be in a relationship where I was dependent on someone elses moods. It is not healthy behavior...trust me...i have had a lot of therapy to overcome it...and am so much happier, healthier and in control of my own life.

Keepthefaith is right--I would not consider marriage to someone who is unwilling to consider getting help for his mood swings.

Does he sound bipolar? Ummmyeah. Many unmedicated BPs self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.

P.S. You can't "fix" the problem because the problem isn't you.