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momof2rugrats
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My mother called my last night, drunk. Guess I needed to join the pitty party she was throwing!I feel like it has triggered me into some kind of mood. I haven't binged in forever & it's only morning, but I am sitting here thinking what foods I have that I can just eat until I feel sick, numb or happy...Which ever comes first I guess...Probably sick...thats why I listed it first without thought. Sometimes, I wonder how God picks our parents. Did I not deserve better?That is all I have ever wished for in life. Well, maybe I had a lesson to learn in life...I think I got the lesson learned!I'm a pretty descent person. I love my family, I take care of my kids, I would do anything for anyone just as long as they are good to me. It's so not fair. My kids will not ever no what it's like to have grandparents that spoil them rotten. Who cares right?I'm not the only one in the world that doesn't have that for their children. I guess my mother did her job. I joined her pitty party. What does she want from me?I am still sticking around after all these fucking miserable damn years. Of drug use, pot smoking, alcohol drinking, different low life scummy men. There are only so many children lucky enough to come home from school & find mommy lying in the floor thinking she is dead, but OH she is only past out drunk. What a waste! Or how about thinking you could just march right into your bathroom and pee any ole time you needed to as a child...Well, not me!I had to sit at the bathroom door, beg pled & cry for my mom and her friends to let me in before I pee'd my pants because they were in the bathroom shooting up drugs. Or even that you were save in your mothers tummy..not me..Cig smoke, pot smoke, alcohol..who no's what else. It's a miracle i came out with only Bipolar??? Ok, am I needing to call my therapist here?Im not sure I'm ok....Im just really freaking pissed right now. My mother gets all depressed because she can't do anything she has drank her life away. Well put the fuckin' beer down & drink some milk. Get some calcium into your bones!!!!!!!!!She is 52 years old now, im sure its to late, its onl going to get worse?I don't no what to do for her?She bends over to pull weeds and she will break ribs & seperate them?She started crying because she can't do anything. It makes me upset but what am I supposed to do?I TRIED TO MAKE HER STOP DRINKING AND TAKE CARE OF HERSELF WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER???????THAT WASN"T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE MY JOB?????????????????????????????????????She wouldn't quit for me, she wouldn't quit for anything. I wasn't important enough, nothing was. I can't even stand to visit very often because I can't stand to see her the way she is. Her leg is hurt. She wouldn't go to the Dr. to get it fixed. They have insurance?????? I could go on and on Amber |
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norma
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Oh, Amber...how terribly sad. You had it rough as a teenager. And you still have a lot to deal with. I am 5 yrs older than your Mom. It is so hard to see someone who continues to wast their life on alcohol and drugs. You do have the choice whether she will continue to drag you down. You have a good family, you are a fighter. And the experience did teach you to be a survivor...call the therapist and touch base....hugs, "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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momof2rugrats
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Norma, I called my therapist. I cried & cried & cried. I told her I was getting better. She said I am still getting better. I will have set backs. She said I needed to grieve for the childhood & the mother I never had. I will be 31 in July & I just feel so stupid about complaining about any of this stuff. But my gosh, my mom should know how important mothers are to their daughters. She would be lost without hers? Anyway, I thought I would let you know I did call the therapist. I feel so dang tired and depressed. I wish the sun would shine. It has been raining for 2 days, On an exciting note!!We are going to go to the travel agency to go over the documents of our Disney World trip. We are leaving on June 5th and returning on the 13th. OMG!I am tooo excited!I squeal everytime I talk about it & get chills. We are taking a day to go to the beach since we will be so close & the kids have never been to a beach. I am super duper excited! Amber
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bejeweled
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Your mother sounds like mine. She was very physically abusive too. Once she shut my fingers in the bathroom door "so I knew what it felt like." She was crazy. Same thing, scummy men - had sex in front of me and my brother. Encouraged us to watch porn. Taught us to steal. In and out of jail, burnt down our house for insurance money, killed a baby with pepto bismal....oh I could go on and on.... But the tradgedy stopped about 10 years ago - when I decided to not have anything to do with her. She is a waste of space, and downright dangerous. She is not a meddlesome mother whose heart is in the right place. She is someone who will use my children to steal things from stores by sitting them on top of packages. She is someone who will steal money out of my purse for drugs. She is a user, liar, theif and very - VERY sick. Not someone I would ever chose to be around. So I stopped punishing myself and cut her out of my life. I don't speak to her and rarely see her. I don't allow my children to be around her either. I will not allow her negative life effect my life or my children's. My job is to protect my kids. She is not a safe person to be around. People are usually baffled when I say I don't speak to my mother.....who does that? lol. Well, I have never regreted it. She is not a nice person. It is not about punishing her for my rotten childhood, it is about ensuring that she doesn't screw up my kids childhood and make a mess out of the rest of my life by entangling me in her drama. She could get sober tomarrow and I wouldn't care. I am done with her. And today, I am at peace with that. You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen
Do or do not. There is no try. -YODA
"Someone call the doctor, got a case of love bipolar. Stuck on a roller coster and can't get off this ride."
-Kate Perry Hot & Cold. |
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norma
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Bejeweled...how awful...you are one strong gal. Toxic Parents is the name of a good book and also Scott Peck's People of the Lie. I recommend them. hugs Amber...look forward to Disney World..and happy times...grieve for lost childhood, is just what is going on. You have a good therapist. On a positive note you are a good mother...and have broken the cycle for your kids...giving them a loving home. "In the time of your life, live-so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but, shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it." William Saroyan
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momof2rugrats
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Bejeweled - That is just awful!I just can't understand how parents can be so cruel to their own children?I just don't get it?I have my days when I am SO grouchy, but that is far from anything bad. You are a very strong woman!My mother was never physical with my it was all emotional. That is the part I don't get. I can't hurt her feelings and just let her have it 'You weren't there for me, You hurt me, I am still affected by this today' BLAH. It's not about hurting her feelings. I know that she feels bad every day about not taking care of me, but yet she still drinks, to try to drink away the pain? Anyway, those are the things I need to be working on now I guess. I have gotten the positive thinking down, the assertiveness (just not with my mother), now it's time to keep up with those things & add new things to the works I suppose! I just can't believe she called me when she was drinking ARGH. The therapist said, I need to grieve & get past the things I need to get past. And visit my mother when I feel strongest. And it's not very often. I can only sit back and watch her do the things she does to herself, if I am not going to put her out of my life, I need to learn to accept her for who she is. I just don't know who she is really? I know nothing about my mother only that she drinks, that she has not done anything with her life, she threw me away for alcohol drugs & men. And that she lives with a man that she doesn't love just because he buys her cig's & beer. I can't really talk to her like mothers/daughters do. I feel bad because when I mention anything. She says 'oh it must be nice to be able to have the $ to do those things'. And she says other things and will get depressed, its just a dead end? Norma, I will definitely check out the book!Thanks Ok, I gotta go clean up my kitchen so I can cook dinner & make another mess HAHA. I think my positive thinking went down the drain today ARGH..I have had a headache/neckache/backache since Friday night. We took the kids to a carnival thing that is open year round. I rode the bumper cars like 15 times in a row not even kidding!I had a blast, but not sure if it was worth it. I have been grouchy because I hurt so bad. I went to the chiropractor today & he said I definitely tweeked some stuff around from the bumper cars. I knew I did! Thanks for listening, sorry I am so talkative, I just really don't have anyone to talk to today. All my friends are working today  darn them!HAHA Amber |
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bejeweled
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Alanon is a great place to go. Alcoholism is a family disease. Talking to your mother when she is drinking makes no sense. She is drunk. Hang up the phone. She won't remember tomarrow. lol. Seriously, Alanon. There are meetings just about every night in every town from here to china. They are great. Visiting your mother or speaking to your mother without "tools" will never get any better. You can't change her. Alcoholism is a disease. In Alanon you will find the support and tools to effectively deal with your feelings. It is a great place, I promise. Good luck. You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen
Do or do not. There is no try. -YODA
"Someone call the doctor, got a case of love bipolar. Stuck on a roller coster and can't get off this ride."
-Kate Perry Hot & Cold.
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momof2rugrats
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OK!I found Alanon & there is a meeting tonight at 8. I'm going!Thanks so much!See, I throw pity parties, but I can end them. I'm done! |
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NewDayDawning
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Yes, Alanon would be helpful. I also agree that it's pointless to try to talk to or reason with a drunk. Just hang up the phone. No one can change your mom but your mom. God doesn't pick our parents. Our parents choose each other, have sex and babies are made. It's a physical process. There's no god out there plotting to make children's lives miserable by giving them bad parents. We all just have to find ways to deal with what we end up with as best we can. Yes, it's not fair, but that's how life is. We all deserve safety, love, support, and peace, but some people have to work harder to get it than others. Post edited by: NewDayDawning, at: 05/28/2008 10:27 |
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kimminentdanger
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Hi Amber - I wasn't here yesterday, but I just read your post & I wanted to send you my 2 cents worth of support. I know what it's like to have parents who aren't exactly pillars of the community -  I can't offer you any sound advice on this topic because it's something I struggle with myself every day... All I can do is tell you that you are most definitely not alone in this particular battle. I applaud you for recognizing this trigger and nipping it in the bud quick! YAY for you toots!!!  And I hope that things are looking better for you today....  "Insanity destroys reason, but not wit." - Nathaniel Emmons
"There's not much you can do or say to phase me; people think I'm a little bit crazy." - Eminem |
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