Unable to care

I guess i should also fess up as to the treatment i was on. once a month i would smoke pot just a hit or two occasionally i would do it twice depends how i felt.

I was put on this by a doctor. In his unconventional ways he was able to find the one thing that i did not have to depend day to day on and could live in a normalcy that i was not accustomed to.

Granted for two days i had a headache but i could funtion and i was more tired than normal.

I also completely stopped with that about 3 months ago. I didn't like it. After 3 years on and off witht he pregnancies i did not want it anymore. I didn't care if it helped.

Now thought i wonder if i made the right decision.

I have contemplated suicide but have found it would require too much effort.

I catch myself with literally no thoughts in my head.

I have been able to play with my kids but i don't know.

I know how bad off i am right now but i have no one else to help with my kids. My boyfriend literally runs my house and the kids with laundry and cooking and shopping and everything because i cant. We cant afford daycare so i am the only one that works.

i know i should go to the hospital and say something but i also know my getting myself help I am going to greatly inhibit my children.

I'm writing here because my boyfriend came to enough sense that he doesnt know and i needed someone who knows for my "intervention"

i just needed to talk.

i don't really expect an answer.

If you read this thanks if not doesnt matter.

no money no time.

My rent is due next week and i only have half of it. Plus i need to get food in the house for my kids?

you think i need to go find help for myself?

you tell me how and i will do it.

If it involes my kids suffering then no.

you think they suffer with a zombie of a mother?

no i'm mommy.

i'm the one who holds them on my lap from the time i get home to the time they fall asleep.

They are happy.

mostly cause i am still able to get groceries.

I may work 12 hours a day everyday

but if i suffer for my kids its worth it.

im not dead

just empty

With so many cutbacks in mental health care these days it can be very difficult to find affordable, or free, help. You sound very smart and resourceful and if I offend you please forgive me, but I assume you have gone to any available county health clinic of which some have psych nurses or nurse practitioners that can prescribe and dispense meds and the meds can cost you little if anything. I have a friend here in Florida that gets all of her health care needs via the local county clinic. Although many have been eliminated there are still some free mental health clinics out there and I hope one is near you.

I'm sure you've done all of that and googled stuff in your area or checked the yellow pages or called the local hospital for places you can go, but we're here to support and encourage you and if any of us had a million dollars I'm sure you'd find gracious folks on here willing to help financially. Thanks for sharing and I hope some resource pops up for you and that you muster every ounce of positive energy to seek out the help you need no matter what it takes because it's a no lose situation if you do...you can intervene for yourself and you sound like you're made of the right stuff to do it with the help of a close one.

BTW, your thread title says "Unable to Care", the truth is that you DO care and that's why you posted so don't sell yourself short...just care for yourself first or you can't be as caring for others as you want and that will depress and frustrate you to no end. Big hugs and best to you.

Post edited by: lobo, at: 05/23/2008 18:43