My girlfriend thinks she'll ruin my life.

I got out of her that she made this decision when a co-worker talked about the parents of a bipolar boy. She said the spouses of such people are (exact quote) "to be pitited because they're stuck with a 200 pound baby to take care of." Seeing as the woman knew Emily had bp, I think this woman was just a heartless bitch who resented Emily for some reason. She said it was the worst day of her life. On top of realizing that it would be "ethically reprehensible" to get married, she sobbed all day right there in the office and was completely humiliated (which the woman had no problem making fun of to the rest of the office). Emily lives by logic, claiming emotion has never done one good thing for her. She went looking for "logic" to contradict what the woman said. She asked partners of bp's "Is it worth it?" None of them got back to her. She "spied" on groups like this and reports that she's never seen such a miserable group of people. They resent their spouses, are sick of being "parents" and they have to go to therapy to be able to stand it. Dissatisfied and still hopefull, she turned to pure science. She found studies that indicate that non-caretaker spouses of non-terminal chronically ill people score lower on quality of life measurements, have shorter life-spans, and an increased risk of suicide. Also a 90% divorce rate. She searched for conflicting studies, but the results are consistant. She says that, according to statistics, she'll probably kill herself, and she doesn't want me to go through that, either. She's says she might bankrupt me (either in mania or with medical bills) or cheat on me. She says she almost certain to be emotionally abusive even though she never misses a dose and sees a therapist regularly. She certainly seems fine and healthy to me, but she says it's just a matter of time before the meds quit working again and she'll go through another two years of severe cycling before finding a new combination that will bring her back. She says she'll ruin my life.

She finally gave in and said yes to a deeper relationship on the condition that I join a group like this and read a dozen books. She's trying to scare me off. I know that, in her heart, she desperately wants this to work and will do everything possible to make it work, but she says that won't be enough.

Sorry to ramble on, but I have to explain the whole thing. What do you guys think? Thanks, Katie

Post edited by: Emily912, at: 05/23/2008 13:38

I would think long and hard before trying to make this relationship anything more than what Emily told you it would be. It takes two to make things work. Use your good judgment and instincts on this one.

Welcome, Katie. I think she is being honest with you and wants you to keep the relationship on a level that does not require serious commitment. As far as her observing groups such as this one, my experience is people pick up on things that reinforce their original thoughts. If she was looking for negatives she surely can find them, she may have skipped the success stories here. And there are many of those.

I would think long and hard before trying to make this relationship anything more than what Emily told you it would be. It takes two to make things work. Use your good judgment and instincts on this one.

Actually, what she is telling me is that she WANTS a permanent relationship, but is worried about me. And yes, she is being honest... saying the exact opposite of what you read into it.

Can you direct me to any of these success stories? I'd love to show them to her. What she keeps looking for is good news, but it seems like no one is able to deliver. It bothers me that those spouses refuse to get back to her.

Are you married to someone with bp? If so, what are your thoughts?

I was baseing my response on the above statements.

It is entirely your decision as to what to expect from this relationship. It might be wise to go into it with your eyes open.

If she is trying to scare you off...why would she do that?? I just think you might have needed someone to give you some honest feedback. I am sure you are a smart person and will let your good sense guide you.

I will look up some links that have some success stories for you so you can share them with your friend....I wish the best for both of you.

Here are some members that have relationships with people with bipolar disease...keepthefaith, TerriTee, and of course, Red. I think they may be able to give you some insight.

I am sure they will be able to tell you of their successes and things that worked for them.

I can only tell you from my experience being a person with bipolar disease that if I tell someone something it is generally exactly what I mean. That is all I meant by my comments... everyone is different, maybe she changed her mind from the original statments.

I got your PM and will reply to your questions.

My husband has bp, so my story will be different than normas, but my story also starts back before we knew my husband had bp. Im not going to draw all of it out just give you the basics.

Starting 4 years ago we knew something was wrong with my husband. He kicked me out the first time, our marriage seemed to be going down the drain, etc. He eventually came back and I moved home. A few months later he kicked me out again, filed for divorce, had an affair, spent all our money, drank all the time...etc...but eventually came back to me, but he was going to hurt himself. So we took him to the hospital and they misdiagnosed him, he stopped the divorce and i moved home again. A few months later we went through the entire thing all over again everything but the divorce (this was all in a course of 3 years) but eventually he came back i insisted that we go see his doctors again....and through a lot of research and the doctors help we quickly realized he had bp.

A little over a year ago he started taking lithium and he has been stable ever since. We have gone to marriage counseling, he sees a therepist regularly...etc. Our marriage is back on track and stronger than ever. Sure he has bumps in the road but we work thru them together. For many months he thought that i could surely find someone better who would never do to me the things that he had done, but i finally got it through to him that Iam making the choice to be with him. He shouldnt worry about me, let me handle that. Ive learned that being married to someone who has bp take a little more committment than a "normal" marriage, but i dont see any signs that it "doesnt work". I tell my husband that he should worry about keeping himself stable and I will worry about how much I can deal with. Like I said in a little over one year our marriage went from on the rocks to something that it never was before and we are closer than ever. Had I known 9 years ago when i got married that my husband had bp, the result would still be the same. I would have married him and taken the role of his supporter and caregiver then. We have made the choice not to allow bp to run our marriage, we know the past and what has happened but will do everything possible to not let it ruin what we now have.

Thats my story. The start of it is bad, but the end of it is truely a blessing. And i wouldnt change it for the world, because all the bad things that happened before we knew my husband had bp led us in the direction of getting him treated and finally stable.

I hope this helps you and you can feel free to PM me again if you would like