JR1
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Heya John! I DO hate those "bad" days, as you put it. In fact I have been in a dysthymic (mostly down, sustained depression) state for many days. I try to avoid expressions such as, "I'm starting to get to the end of my rope again!!!" , because the thought, the words, the very line of reasoning that motivates me to say things like that is, for me, faulty, desperate, and hopeless thinking. You and I have been "around the block" many times with our mood swings, and we both know, I think, that the truth is we are NOT at the end of the rope--we are merely in that uncomfortable, often painful downside of a repeating cycle. How do I hold on? I hold on because of experience. My experience now tells me, and I recognize with faith, that my depression AND my pain will soon subside. Because of my alcoholism and my persistent substance abuse ( all in the past now, thank God!), I am not a candidate either for pain medicine or for mood modifiers (psychotropic drugs). The meds produce a "kindling" effect. Use the search words "dual diagnosed kindling", and you will read some interesting stuff. Basically, for me, the meds tend to increase (over time) my chances for relapse into both a bipolar extreme--usually mania--and into substance abuse. My first drug of choice will always be alcohol. I also experience intense and chronic pain ranging from arthritic joints to migraine, and I am experienced enough with the pain to know that it will subside or go away and I will have perhaps a "good day." My main tool for pain management, believe it or not, is prayer. ...and I always encourage prayer, even for athiests! The state of mind, if nothing else, which results from an earnest prayer tends to turn my focus away from the pain I feel and onto something more productive. My prayer is always a simple one: "Father, inspire me with the strength to endure my pain." I always receive that strength, John, so I believe, as a result, that my prayer works. As in your case, my wife has a serious and progressive disease which has turned her attention from me and the joy of our marriage (as it was in the past) to the pain and stress of her own problems. ...and get THIS...! I'M supposed to become HER caregiver--I, who at times can hardly take care of MYSELF! Well, John, without meds, I have taken the harder road, so to speak, haven't I? I have worked daily, with all the strength and persistence I can muster and with all the help others are willing to give--I have worked daily for four and a half years, without booze and without drugs to ease my discomfort. I have learned to manage and cope with my diseases; each day tends to get a little better; the mood cycles have become less troublesome; I am becoming a better husband and caregiver; I am realizing some of my dreams; I have moments of victory and happiness which I never before experienced; and I have learned the value of patience, faith, and peer dialogue when I need to get through or endure periods of depression. Thanks for your post, John. We can make it. I am proof of that, and you are too, Buddy! With hope, Jim James A Rist
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Im sorry to hear all that! I feel very lonely in this area of my life too, I dont talk to anyone about this except for my mother and father in law, my husband is a great guy and he loves god and that is what keeps him going. Most of my frinds and church family do not know what I go through when my husband has de swings and mood changes, he is so sweet and so cool and then there is the part when he is a scary monster o a potato sack when he cant function.
