easiest way

Today is the first time in 15 years of marriage that hubby told me to "pack up." He left for a while,came back quickly and told me how sorry he was. He really is a good husband. But, despite the fact that I've told him "You know where the door is" hundreds of times, I always knew I would hang on to the time when he first indicated a desire for a split. That was today. How can I not hold onto it? He knows I'm sick. I'm not usually like this, but he knows what Mothers Day does to me. My rock has cracked. I wonder what that means for the future.

Anyway, I really appreciate the support today. I needed it, and you guys were there. Thanks.

Life is going to be tough if you decide that life isn't worth living because your having a bad day and your husband kicks you out. What is really going to happen? The worst case? I find that if I think it through and imagine every possible secenerio, it helps me stay in perspective. (And kind of gives me the illusion of control which I like - I call it "planning." lol.)

Lots of people have made it through the end of a relationship. Me included. I was alright. It was tough and when it happened, (and it happened more then I care to admit) I know I felt like I wasn't going to make it. But in the end I was WAY better off.

My experience is that every trial prepares me for the next bigger trial in life. There have been times in my life when I have said "I can't do this, it's too much. It hurts too bad." But when I make it to the other side....I realize that I was stronger then I thought.

The saying when one door closes another one opens is so true.

I always want control and everyone to just follow MY plan. lol. I struggle against the will of the universe and will fight it tooth and nail. There are two ways to get from point A to point B. The easy way and the hard way. 9 times out of 10 - I'll take the hard way, thank you very much! - but letting go is so much easier.

In AA there is something known as the Third step prayer:

God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help of thy love, thy power and thy way of life. May I do thine will always.

I am not overly religous. Ok. Not religous at all. (I am ducking, lest lighting strike me dead right now.) But this prayer has got me through time and time again.

I started feeling the depression on Saturday, and it is already lifting a bit. I don't want to do this every year on Mothers Day. Until yesterday, it looked like I was going to escape it this year. But when I get down, I get REALLY down. I think that is what frightens both hubby and myself...the utter depths of despair that I sink to in a fairly short amount of time. Thanks for the support. I believe tomorrow will be better.

Easiest way out... old and full of years with awesome memories of love for our spouse, children, grand children, and possibly even great grand children along with many friends made along the way. I pray that this is the only way any of us leave for that which God has prepared for us.

HUGE HUGS my friend!

GOD BLESS

RED

I'm sorry I wondered what the "easiest way" would be. I have no intention of committing suicide. When I get deeply depressed, however, I start looking for a way out, and drastic measures seem the only way. You are right, of course. Building memories with my family is the best thing.

Hugs back to you! I'll pm you tomorrow.

I am sorry you went through this, today. I can relate so much. My fiance and I have gotten in fights, triggered by my moods, and he will leave to get some space or I will kick him out. I will be going through an episode. After I kick him out or he leaves, I end up dropping into a depression. Later he will come back and it will be okay, again.

So yes, I know how it is. I just had one of these a couple of weeks ago. Thank god for good men with whip lash...LOL