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ladymary
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I feel you on this, I am very upset over this mess, truly. His phone comes up private, it's a cell phone. But he's the only calls that come up private. When he was cheating, he would often change the number, when I would find out the number. This is what the mistress wanted,and he often changed his number, under private. Now I am feeling his service may be turned off soon. I want to hear from him, so we can work together to get him medical help. Hopeful we can resolve our issues. I love him. I am very upset over this matter, but I also know he is not well.. |
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tertap
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Ladymary, I am floating in your boat! My husband left 12 days ago and I have barely spoken to him, gotten an explanation or anything. He is diognosed BP and on meds, but only been on them a year and he also is alcoholic and recently started drinking more and more, than one day I was askin gbaout finances, a fight developed and I said I did not want to talk anymore at that time, he said alright and left before I knew it, he left a note that simply said "I thought you were going to HELP ME" he said the fighting was going to send him into a depression something he is scared to have happen again. Anyway he said finally that he doesn't want to get a divorce he just needs time away so he can see if I am the cause...he is just out of his mind, simply put. There is so much confusion and selfishness and plotting and planning going on that I cannot get through to him. Hoping he will come back down and see the reality, that I will not just keep on waiting while HE figures out what HE needs. I have a plan B if he continues to play games and moving on is it! because we have beeb together for 12 years makes it especially hard, we have a young son and his moods have polarized further and more extreme over the last 4 years. I feel obligated to at least see where this drastic step takes him... Theresa |
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NewDayDawning
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If the BP person in your life has run off, and you want to help him if and when he returns, my advice is this: tell him he needs to get help FIRST, and become stabilized, and THEN and ONLY THEN will you take him back. Don't put the cart before the horse.... he needs to get the help before you take him back. If you take him back before he gets help, that removes the incentive for him to get help, and leads him to think you'll put up with more bad behavior. Just my .02.........
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ladymary
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you're right, This is the way this has to be done, knowing him, he will do just as you said, go on as nothing has happened, and continue you. Thanks, for reinterating that... |
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ladymary
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Yeah Theresa,I am feeling you, I do think the drinking makes the situation worse, remember the times, my husband would be drinking, he seen to not understand, or just didnt want too. I think the drinking clouds things more. He would want to leave, and be gone for days, like now, because he knows I know he cheated, he goes away for about 2 months, I dont feel it, that he doesnt want to hurt me any further, I feel his is just guilty, and ashamed, and trying to figure out, how he can take enough time, where I will not be as upset. Thing for me, I dont fully understand bipolar, and he hasnt being diagnosed yet. This would be our first step when he returns, but from my feeling, I would want to speak the one I say I love, and married. I dont get all the running away stuff, it doesnt solve anything, it makes me question the trust, and what is he doing with this time. I am getting hangs up, which I know it's him, I think if he would just open up, and express his feelings, we can move past this, and work on our problems together. Running away, creates more problems,yanno. I am just hoping soon, he will come to see this. It's really hard when you love someone who runs away, and you cant reach them to feel what you are trying to express. It's hard, each day, I wake up with the hole in my heart, longing to hear from him, longing even more to hold him. It's really a painful thing. I do hope you will hold on, and continue to read this forum, This forum has helped me alot, I felt I was going crazy, didnt think anyone else understood, Now, I am better, because I know this is real,and others are dealing with this also, sharing information, has helped me to better handle my expectations, and whys of this. Dont give up, on him, love will help us through, I believe that..we are together for a reason, maybe it's us, who can love them enough, they will want to get better. That's what I am hoping. really makes me crazy, but my love for him is so strong, I just cant leave him... Post edited by: ladymary, at: 05/12/2008 13:53 |
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ladymary
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This my response to Teresa...thanks |
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tertap
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Thank you back, Ladymary! I love to discuss this with others that understand. I get no support from his family, they say he is not BP, he is just over-stressed. They say he is nothing like how I describe him, thing is they see us three times a year and live 500 miles away, they do not live with us and he hasn't lived with them for 13 years, HOW THE HECK do they know. I try to explain that they need to look at the diagnosis, they need to remember that they are looking at him from a parent standpoint, not a spouse. I have been with him 24/7 for the last 12 years and he is being treated for BP, them not accepting of it just continues to give him doubt as well. I will give you my story: I always knew Shaun was BP, just researched his patterns which were mild but noticeable and I just knew it, he never agreed. When 3 years ago he sunk into a deep depression, I was convinced, but the doctors at that point were treating him for depression, then 5 months of depression, the Manic hit, he was so opposite of how he was, he hid things, he lied, he drank a ton, he put a mini-spy cam in our garage to watch his fridge with the beer, he hid cans and cases of beer in our attic, he was on the online personals seeking "friends maybe more" and solicitated some for coffee and misrepresenting himself as single he took his paycheck out of our account and opened one in his name. He started heavily purchasing stuff on ebay ($18k worth) and property, an atv, another car, just spend, spend, spend! All of these he had explanations like that we needed these things or the personals was because we were fighting and he thought we were over...but we were not divorced!!!! Finally, he wrecked his ATV and was sent to the hospital, his recovery was hard and he started taking RX meds with beer, that sent him to the ER a month later for Alcoholic Hepatitis...His Physician discussed alcoholism with him and referred him to a Psychiatrist! The P Doc diagnosed him with BP that day based on past patterns, he went on meds and has been taking something ever since. He then went into a depression AGAIN and then normal, we are now back to Manic but he doesn't see it at all, he is however going to P Doc, I know he is not telling me exactly what he is saying. funny thing is when he was depressed, he would be so sorrowful for his actions ansd say things like " I would never do that to you normally, don't know why I did it but I know I wouldn't normally do all those things" don't know if everything he says is a lie even when depressed but he seemed so REAL when depressed? Only time will tell...along with counseling! Theresa
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ladymary
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yess, I feel you 100% his family is also in denial, they would rather see him as just mean. I know it goes deeper, and I know there is help for him, even when he lies, I would just point it out immediately, and he would get quiet. I have found that to be helpful. Also, my husband,would spend, spend and spend, on things we dont need. His bills wouldnt get paid, unless I paid them out of the money, he has tons of traffic tickets, it's a lot we have to deal with. I have faith that God will give us the strength. I think when they lie, it's real to them at the time to be truth. So grateful for this forum, it has helped me alot, I thank God, I found it, I was starting to think I was crazy, with what I was going through. Now, I see things clearer, especially the running away, and no contact, I have a better ensight on that, We just have to remain strong, and help them. That's my plan to get mine, to doctor, as soon as he comes home, that's the only way, Iwill be able to deal with this. Presently, he is not on any, so you can imagine this rollercoaster, just up and downs, back and forth, with no real answers. Now, I do which I am grateful, I am willing to go the extra mile, I do love him verymuch, I think if the shoe was on the other foot, that he would stand with me, and help me. Love is a powerful emotions, and will get us through, Remain strong, and pray, this helps a lot, and it will all work out...Best of luck. thanks for sharing.. |
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ladymary
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oh yeah, now he is gone right, sure his family is full aware where he is, and you would think they would let me know, as I think how the tell so many lies, I hate to think what the reason, he gave them, I can assure you, it's my fault. Thing is they dont think anything is wrong with him, so they will go along with his bull story, and want let me know if he is alright. This is what I think to be mean, they are in denial, I live with him, see his actions, yet they go along with his foolishness, I think soon they will get tired, because after awhile, they will want him to end the visit. Then, I will hear from him, not them, but he will call. This is so painful for me, because I love him so much, and when he does this, it causes me to worry, cant sleep, hardly eat, just so stress over him. Now, since I know, gonna do all I can to get him to get help, that's the only way, I can deal with this. the only way, Then, I feel, we will have a better chance in healing our marriage. |
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Hurtingbadly
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So i will add on to this post. My husband left me officially Jan 13. He is in denial and we have been married almost 17yrs. So not looking forward to July. We thought he was depressed and they put him on Zoloft and that was the end of him. He had an affair with someone 12yrs younger, spent 25,000 which he still doesnt believe me when I tell him that, I guess the new motorcycle he drives and the 2 times I was 4 hours away from the electricity being cut off isnt enough. He is the love of my life and i have cried since Sept 13 when I knew in my heart something was wrong. Found out later that was the day he started the affair. He has calmed down from mania and is now numb to any feelings. I still dont know if that is a normal BP thing. I think it is, not sure. He has a friend who encourages all of this behavior and has convinced him that he is not sick and that me and the dr. dont know what we are talking about. He visits the kids every 2-3 weeks when he can fit it in. Yesterday he still said he wanted a divorce. That he hasnt loved me in years and the whole blah blah blah. Here's the thing. I was DX BP depressed. I became crazy 5 yrs ago and it took us several yrs and many dr. and meds to get me better. It makes it hard that he cant see that he is acting somewhat like I did. I never did the lying, cheating or spending money. I was very mean to him. i believe I cycled all the time. Yelling one min and crying the next. I still hope one day he will come home. We live 5 hours apart and when he comes here and sleeps on the couch it hurts so much. But I remember feeling numb. I remember not caring. But I made it back and love this man to pieces. I hope all of our spouses come back the way I did and we can all be happy again. I have a small bit of hope that know he isnt manic but numb (which by the way if anyone knows if this is a BP thing please answer back)he somewhat said in passing that he might get a 2nd opinion to be tested for BP. I suggested that since he doesnt believe his pdoc of 3 yrs. Too many of us are in the same boat. I keep wishing that some fairy dust will be put through the air and everyone BP would be all better. I wish for alot of things. I have to. he is my everything. |
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