Bipolar Support Group

I could have written your post myself! I'm so sorry he has put you through this nighmare, my hubby has done the same to me. I think he wants his cake & eat it, keep his other woman but hang onto you as you do things for him that she doesn't? If i were you i would divorce him & let him go. I got a decree nisi on Dec 8th 08, he still tries to win me back despite having moved in with OW. I'm rebuilding my life now & living for myself instead of having to pamper to his needs & try to make him happy every minute of the day. You are worth much more than what he has put you through. Depression is not an excuse for affairs or to hurt the one you're supposed to love.

I hope you find peace of mind soon, take care,

All:

My husband's doc and both of our lawyers say that our story is a rare one - not from the things that we went through, but more from where we are today. My husband is medication compliant - still has his ups and downs but so, so much better. We found out he has SAD, mixed episodes and is a rapid cycler. Tough to deal with, but we're doing the best we can. After nearly 2 years of not knowing what was wrong, then knowing but not being able to do anything to help, then dealing with the effects of the behaviors that non-compliance with meds and the influence of some very bad people bring, and finally seeing the toll it took on my husband, kids and myself, we are finally managing things a bit better.

Funny thing about all of it was that the answer was in front of me the whole time: BP really isn't something that I can understand. I can only deal with the person and the choices that he makes. I can be supportive but not co-dependent and definitely cannot let him hoover me into swinging with him. When I finally decided to accept the fact that my husband, sick or not, had made certain choices with respect to his life and that I needed to move on, things got so much better for me and the boys. Things didn't get better for my husband, but at some point he started seeing things for the way they really were. Things became so overwhelming for him and I think if we had proceeded with our divorce it would have taken us 10 years because he didn't want to deal with any of it. He pretty much just shut down. Maybe he would have pulled himself together at some point, but he was down pretty low.

The thing that I never got about this whole thing was how distorted his whole thought process had become. Seeing him now in a mixed episode is still troubling. Being on the meds helps him to at least question the thoughts or feelings he is having. Before, he never questioned anything - just acted on every impulse because he really believed that things he thought at a certain moment in time were real. Then after, when he stablilized he would look at what he did or thought and feel bad or wonder how he could have believed what he did. In the 15 years we'd been married and even the years before when we lived together, this was the only affair.

I have read and learned so much. The affair hurt and sometimes still does. I deal with it in my own way. I still hold my husband accountable for what he did but I have forgiven him. It doesn't mean I will forget it or will forgive similar behavior again. As for the woman... I have come to feel sorry for her. I think it is very sad to be so lonely and desperate, and sick, that you have to go after another woman's husband - especially one recently diag

i am in your boat sister...i have known my husband for 10 years and we haven't even been married for 3. I have 2 kids with him. I just found out he cheated on me and all he is interested in doing is blaming me for things that I didn't even do. I tried so hard day after day to help him and he still went out and cheated on me, and brings up things that he swears I did wrong and did not do. The other night he attacked me and I had to call the cops. He is also an alcoholic and refuses to seek the help he needs. Be careful in all you do and I wish you the best of luck. I thought I knew him and all he does is lie to everyone around him to trick them into thinking he is ok. I hate to say anything bad about bipolar people - I still love one. If he is willing to get help, there is something there. But what can you do if there is no trust? It's a sick, sick disease. Take care. If you think it's going to change, it won't.

Dump him! If he would cheat once, he would again. You need a stable life for yourself and your children.

Only you can decide whether to forgive him or not. I believe that he can learn from his mistake.

Women cheat too. Not all bipolar people cheat and obviously not all cheaters are bipolar. I have read that about 40% of people cheat at some point. I don't know if that's true or not.

If he can remain faithful and stable, it is far better for your children to have two parents. JMO

ive never cheated in my life but i have had feinds that do an what i have seen ove rthe years ..once a cheater always a cheater ..an that goes for both sexes.

I am really sorry to hear you are dealing with this. Although I certainly agree that BP does not equal cheater, it is a noted behavior as is other risky behaviors. My ex went that route when his manic cycles became more severe. Unfortunately this is your husbands condition and ultimately he is the one who will have to deal with it and his addiction. You have to decide how far under you want to be dragged. Until he is at a point in which he acknowledges something is wrong and works to improve you will continue on this horrible roller coaster. And even then, it can be a long, challenging road for him since BP affects folks so differently and getting the right therapy and medications can take some time. The man you love isn't home right now and there is a chance he will never return. It may be best to love and support him from a distance not only for your sanity but to avoid physical harm. I strongly recommend you get into some theraphy, join support groups and lean on your friends as much as they can tolerate. Dealing with BP is hard enough for both of you but when cheating is thrown into the mix its adds whole more complicated dimension. As a result its very difficult to step back and simply say he is sick. Obviously my husband and I are not together...he ran off with another woman. Sounds horrible but it was a blessing on many, many levels. I have my life back and last I heard he was finally taking care of himself.

Post edited by: ezevans, at: 02/27/2010 08:56 PM

Okay, first, if his name is on the house, you can't just change the locks. YOu need to do that in a legal way.

Second, the best thing you can do is send him a letter. Tell him you have to protect yourself, and if you are interested, that you will be willing to work things out if he can prove to you that he has completely cut off this other woman, but you won't allow him to ride the fence. Give him a time frame for accomplishing this, and if it's not done within that time frame, then move on without him.

It's okay if you're totally done, now, but if you're not, HE needs to take responsibility for earning the relationship you had back.

If you need a book reference: Surviving an Affair, or Divorce Busters. I would suggest that you get in with a counselor if you don't have one, as well, and one that would support your decision, whether to stay married or to move forward with divorce. There are online message boards for these books, but they are attended by amateurs who have gone through, or are going through, what you are, but they are not professionals, and...well, you get what you pay for and their advice is free. lol.