kimminentdanger
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I can’t believe that I still can’t recognize looming mania when it’s sooooo obvious. I apologize in advance if I start to ramble, I am through the roof right now and I have NO IDEA how to stop it….. I cannot believe I didn’t see this coming. Well, I guess this lamictal is working, at least a little bit, because I can’t ever remember being this aware of an upward swing before, but why isn’t it making this stop???? I felt extra good yesterday, and now that I think about it; my “List Writing” happened… (I write crazy “to do” lists that are completely unrealistic, but at the time I write them, I truly believe I can get it all done. Am I making any sense at all right now? Anyway, the list from yesterday included: dye hair, give dog a bath, delete old files from computer, write to my ½ brother in jail and send money, make a new futon cover & paint the computer room (first go to Home Depot for paint supplies). I know this sounds totally crazy guys, but I swear I just KNEW I could get it all done. What really happened was: I dragged all the fabric out of the basement to find one I liked for the futon, but I ended up putting them in separate piles according to fabric texture… oh my god; I can’t even believe I’m telling anyone all of this…. And when I went to find thread, I decided that before I covered the futon with a new cover, I should paint FIRST…. So I got the sandpaper out (you gotta sand before you can paint) but when I went into the computer room to check out the scene, the computer lured me in and I logged on here. I wish I would have noticed it then….. anyway, I posted and chatted a bit and I remember getting really pissed for a second and somebody here said something funny that made me laugh, so it didn’t seem that bad. But then I went online to play poker…. OH GOD this is ridiculous…. After I logged off last night, I NEVER WENT TO SLEEP – felt kinda edgy and continued to play poker until I lost a total of close to 450 bucks….. (didn’t care & still don’t)….. been on that frigging poker site ALL DAY LONG today. I took a little breather to log on here & check things out, but I felt energized, not really anything to be concerned about… I knew I was a little “up” but it was all good…. But now I’m looking around and I can tell that I am in the middle of something nuts guys….I’m jumping at every little noise and I can see how everyone is looking at me right now (I don’t know if its worry on their faces, but it’s SOMETHING) How can I explain this??? I’m literally sitting here rocking back and forth just ITCHING to get outta the house – feel like I can’t breathe & I need to MOVE… It came on so fast (but not really… I should have KNOWN because of the way I felt yesterday..) There are piles of fabric and sandpaper everywhere, and I really want to get rid of them, but I can’t. (not sure why)…. I searched for my stupid lighter for like 25 minutes before I realized it’s right there in front of me. Everything I try to say out loud is coming out all jumbled and patchy…can’t even complete a full sentence; the words are getting gridlocked, if you know what I mean. Like the story is whipping around in my head, but I can’t get it out fast enough. The kicker was when Frankie said “calm down – you’re acting like a crackhead right now” OH MY GOD YOU GUYS…. How insensitive is that???? So I freaked out and I shocked myself….. don’t want to flip out but I just want to smash his face through a wall right now. What happened to “I understand Kim” and all that other supportive bull? We have talked about this mania sooo many times…. I HATE it when he compares me to a crack head. How does that help or even make any sense? He must think I’m dumb enough to believe the bullshit he spews….. All I want to do is stop my head right now, and I don’t understand why this medicationisn’t working…. I don’t even know the point I’m trying to make right now – all I know is I’m pissed off beyond reason & I feel like I’ve been duped by these effing doctors……and I just want to go play more poker which I KNOW isn’t a good idea because of all the money I’ve ALREADY blown in the past day and a half, but I don’t know… I just have an itch that needs to be scratched, you know??? I feel like I’m flying through a tunnel and none of my words will come out right…. I feel reckless and invincible and I just want it to stop RIGHT NOW…. It’s too much. I used to like this, but I talked myself into believing that I would never feel this way again because of my new “medication” (yeah right – it’s not medicating) and I’m just not prepared!!!And I don’t understand why I can suddenly recognize that I’m IN IT but I couldn’t recognize that it was coming????? I wanted to say something totally relevant to that, but for the life of me, I can’t think of what it was(sorry)…I’m climbing the walls…and I really can’t even believe that I’m actually about to post this nonsense….what the hell am I thinking? I know I sound like a raving madwoman right now; and I’m embarrassed but I’m not used to reaching out like this – I usually just masquerade as okay, but I’m really not okay right now….I just wish I wasn’t so AWARE of what’s happening right now – ignorance is bliss, right? And I can’t help but wonder if it’s the medication that’s making this all so REAL right now (but I’ve only been on it for a week!!! I don’t knowwhat I’m trying to say…. I’m just kind of letting the words come. If I typed this fast normally, I’d get a lot of posting done - ha! (not funny)(but kind of funny) I’m losing my grip…...PLEASE…. somebody tell me SOMETHING… "Insanity destroys reason, but not wit." - Nathaniel Emmons
"Been a bad boy since diapers and Gerbers; my first words were bleep bleep and curse curse." - Eminem
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