Bipolar Support Group

I'm with ya there Paul. That's the last thing I have to worry about in my relationship. I get accused of it from time to time but thats from her past relationship not bp and us being a short distance away from eachother for now. Anyway y'all have a great day if ya can that is(no pressure lol)

thank you paul........right now i ain't havin' sex with nobody.....takin a break

cprentice, sorry for your dilemma. i just want to say please dont buy that Bipolar excuse for cheating. I have never cheated and im sure many other BP's havent also. just like everybody else,people cheat because they want to. I know you are in a horrible situation...but i wouldnt accept theBPexcuse OR forgive him. Youd have to live with seeing the family (sis in law, brother, etc.) and go through all the crap again in your head. JUST my opinion.

In addressing the "they" part of the title, WHY DO THEY CHEAT, I am hoping it refers to humans in general and not just people with bipolar disorder. As, any general categorization it tends to raise the hair on my neck. NOT ALL PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER CHEAT...I hope that clears that one up. Bipolar disorder is not an excuse to be unfaithful in a relationship. If your premise is wrong, check the premise. Many other factors affect relationships. Examing those.

MaMona, I certainly respect your right to your point of view, but I wholeheartedly disagree with it. I've been diagnosed for a dozen years and hypersexuality and its attendant behaviors has been my greatest personal struggle. My father's was reckless spending before he gained control of his BP through a hospitalization and consistent medication. That has never been a problem for me. Thank God! I think everybody's experience of BP is as unique as they are. In some ways we are all alike. In other ways we are nothing alike.

It's often extraordinarily difficult to sort out which behaviors are related to my BP and which are not. For instance, I sometimes wonder if I am just tired and cranky, or whether it's the edge of mania that is causing anger. Who's to say?

I'd like to suggest that we be very cautious about drawing hard and fast conclusions about the behavior of others based on our very personal experience of this disorder. Again, I am suggesting this with complete respect for your viewpoint. I can certainly understand how you might think as you do.

The issue in this thread it is of significant personal interest to me because I struggle with it mightily. I didn't at first, but I do now for whatever reason. The struggle might even be compared to the way a recovering alcoholic struggles not to drink at a party where peers are drinking. For me, an alcoholic's slip is forgivable. Then again, I have dear friends and relatives who struggle with that. I have a great deal of compassion for people who struggle against impulses and urges they don't fully understand themselves, and I certainly feel for loved ones who have their lives turned upside down because of it.

The range of behaviors related to this subject as expressed throughout this thread over the past two years is incredible and eye opening for me. In the past seven years of my 15 year marriage I have had a handful of indiscretions. For me, "love" had noting to do with it, and I never once treated my wife worse as a result. Quite the opposite, actually. The infidelity is incongruent with my personal values and I feel a lot of guilt as a result. In turn, I work even harder in my marriage to make my wife feel loved and appreciated. I can see that's not the experience of many who have posted here and I feel badly for them. I have not burdened my wife with the extra information about my acting out. She is well aware of my hypersexuality. She is a nurse and she really understands the disorder. It's certainly nothing like a "permission slip" but I for me keeping this part of the problem to myself is the right thing to do. It's an emotional load she doesn't need to carry as far as I am concerned. That's what works for me and I'm not suggesting it for anybody else. I just can't see blowing up a high functioning and deeply valued marriage over something like this. That calculus doesn't work for me, so I've coped differently. Who's to say I'd be able to do so were I not consistently managing the BP with meds over the past 10-12 years?

Having said all of that I have gotten to the point personally where I am going to talk with a therapist about the issue. My pdoc really has nothing much to offer in that regard. I'm hoping to find coping strategies or tools to use to help me deal with the hypersexuality in a way that doesn't wind up making me feel badly. In other words, I'm trying to figure out how I can better resist what can become an all-consuming impulse to act on super strong desires.

Hats off to those of you who haven't had this issue. But remember that it doesn't mean it's not a very real struggle for some of us. A little additional perspective here might be useful. There are many unenlightened individuals out there who truly believe BP is made up altogether and that the struggle is simply a sign of mental weakness. I've heard people who are unaware of my own diagnosis say this in my presence. Those people are entitled to that position, and I don't hold it against them whatsoever. But I don't think many of us would agree with them.

Post edited by: Sully, at: 11/22/2008 17:00

If you do have a problem with infidelity it might be a good idea to be checked for sexually transmitted disease, Sully.

Sexual addictions, like addiction to drugs, gambling and other addictions can be helped through cognitive therapy. Why not see about find a therapist to address this issue. I hope it never jeopardizes your marriage. I can imagine if your wife found out it might cause you problems.

Sully, each of these "indiscressions" is another knife pierceing your wifes heart (metaphorically speaking). Eventually this will all come out (it always does) and when it does the pain that it causes your wife will be unbareable. No matter if you have bipolar or not... this still jepordises your marriage. You make it sound as if it is OK, it is not... it is still adultery plain and simple. Please get the help you need as soon as possible.

Sully, thank you for the open and honest post. I have periods of mania that trigger hypersexuality, it is like being on drugs, I guess it's the chemicals during their thing up there that trigger this volcano of a rush for the need to be with someone who can give you relief from the rush of energy you have. To combat this I used to workout daily, but then I am giving my brain more energy and more endorphins where I don't wear myself out I just continue the cycle. I've had sex at least 15 times in one day and wanted more. This is like the shopoholic that can't say no, the chocoholic or alcoholic or sexoholic. This is not always will power folks, this is a huge rush of energy that can have you telling any doctor, listen I can't keep up with myself, even the feel good releases don't work it's every fifteen minutes, it's all day, your clothes feel different, you smell scents you never smelled before, the sound of someones voice is more appealing, the accidental touch feels over the top good.

This is no run of the mill, I like to have a lot of sex without any fallout, this is dangerous, this is a real condition, this is painful, this will wreck your life. You could get an std, you could get pregnant, you could get raped you could loose your job, your family, your life. Once it happens you think your sexually peaked but you haven't peaked, you just started, you could be 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, and 50. Your lover or spouse could be sexually satisfying and you should be with someone like that or your normal urges may not be released when they should. But with all of this Sully, you HAVE to tell your therapist, you HAVE to tell the PDOC, when you have no control, with any part of bipolar- anger, crying, laughing, driving fast, shopping to much, hitting your kids, your wife, spending all your money, quitting job after job, all of these impulses that go on in your brain are reflected in your being, your core, your life and your family.

You may need a medicine that has sexual side effects, the ones no one else wants, but you may need it. You are married, you have a wife that loves you-the many faces and places that you have seen will not be what you want when the hypersexuality ends. You will be back to "normal" you will conjure up reasons why- I have a high sex drive, needs, chemicals flying all over. The point is when you get grounded, time to fess up to the folks that can help you.

You think your wife should not know, others think she should. There is no right or wrong answer here if you truly have a medical condition, even if your catholic or whatever else. It is your responsibility to get help, to talk it out with your therapist so they can HELP you. You should not be embarassed by what you have or have not done, but you should put an end to this, it will take you all the way down one day and don't let it.

Once you takl to the docs, you need to open up to your wife and tell her you are having these urges, you need to let her understand you and your illness. Do not hide it, do not cover it up from this day forward, you need to take control of it as much as you possibly can. If you get the urges and your wife knows, you can try to work with her on it, bring some excitement into the relationship, but you could also trust enough that you could try to do something with her that has nothing to do with sex--have sex a few times, drag yourselves out, go to the movies to dinner--go back and have sex. If you love her you will do this before she is gone and all you have left are memories and saying "If I had only told the doctor, or I need medication...don't let that happen. Those chemicals no matter how good they feel are evil and self-destructive at times-- ESPECIALLY when it feels good.

Be a man to your wife, she deserves it. She knows your not perfect, no one is, trust in your relationship and get some medications if it is seriously still bad.

Good luck to you, I hope you can understand from one hypersexual person to another, you DO have control over that beast and you do need to be very careful of anyone you meet during those high peak times. If bars are your trigger in the mania cycle don't go there, if malls are don't go there, if clubs are don't go there, and if you randomly bump into an attractive person at the grocery store, don't go there, keep on walking and tell your therapist or doc or wife.

I'm a woman but I know what real men are, be one, admit you have a problem, even if you think it's not a problem for your family, it is!

Thank you for the responses. Just to be clear, I am going to speak with a therapist. Said that at the end of my original post. The limitation of forums like these, of course, is that we don't know one another. We get a glimpse and not a full view of the situation and the person behind the situation. The other major limitation is the fact that each of us brings completely different levels of understanding and perspective about BP to these forums and that is reflected in the responses. None of them, as I understand it, come from a qualified professional (mine certainly included). If I were content with my behavior and my status with BP I wouldn't post here, of course. There would be no interest on my part, and I'd be surfing motorcycle forums like I usually do. All this is to say that I appreciate the personal opinions and perspectives. I'll pursue the professional therapy for my answers and I'll share anything I feel may be helpful for others.

By the way, I did pick up one potentially useful insight in anther thread. One participant noted that when she/he began taking an SSRI (?) that it triggered sustained mania in them. I began taking Lexapro about the time all this became an issue for me and that could be causal. That's really interesting to me because I've always felt like some kind of switch was thrown that popped me out of my "normal" behavior - which NEVER included anything like these urges. In fact, the first episode occurred right after I got a steroid shot for something. It launched me into a three-day major high. Didn't sleep at all for 72 hours. Have never had a steroid since. I plan to pursue the question of the SSRI with a professional.

Thanks again,

Sully...whatever the reason behind the behavior it is good that you will see a therapist. Hope you find a way to STOP the behavior. It definitely falls into the category you are a danger to yourself and others. Reckless behaviors, where you endanger your life by casual sexual encounters, is also dangerous to your spouse. I won't list the sexually transmitted diseases...but, some are life threatening. This is not a moral referendum...that is between you and your conscience. Just treat it as a wake up call...giving you support to get help to stop something that may endanger your life and the wife you love....good luck...sweetie...