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10/06/2007 06:28 PM

why to they cheat?

VivaPosts: 3

i am just wondering if there is anyone out there who has experienced their bipolar spouse having an affair or close to it and how they handled the situation? also, if there is anyone who IS bipolar and has done this to their spouse, could you help me understand why and what was going through your mind when you were doing these things. my husband is starting to do this and says he doesn't know why, but that he doesn't love me anymore. also, he has no remorse for hurting me over and over again. is this something that can come along with being bipolar? also, when they/you started their/your meds did that change their/your need to turn to someone else, and were you remorseful for the things you had put your spouse through? PLEASE HELP-i am new to this and have to idea where to turn.

10/06/2007 06:43 PM

My ex wife is bipolar and cheated throughout our marriage, she eventually decided that some exconvict is her true love. I always took her back and forgave her. She did it when she shifted from one extreme to the other. That was when she would connect with whoever was with her at the time. If I was at work and she was doing something in town then whoever made a pass at her was it. She has always been a flirt and if the guy flirted back and it was while she was going up or down on her rollercoaster then he was it at least until she felt remorse but that usually only came if she got caught.

10/06/2007 11:12 PM
Jones39Posts: 7

I really do feel sorry for you. My wife is BP (recently found out) and is doing very similar to your husband. I really do want things to work out for us. I do love her greatly, possibly more now then ever.

I wish you the best, if he really is BP the best thing you can do is get the proper prescriptions and make sure he takes them.

It is difficult to always believe she is BP, as she is very smart and coherent, she explains her actions rationally. It has bee very difficult at times to have patience with her.

A book by Dr. Harley titled "surviving an affair" is good reading matteral and could be very usefull in rebuilding your marriage, if you choose to.

Post edited by: Jones39, at: 10/08/2007 08:47

10/07/2007 06:52 AM
Posts: 14

From experience I can only say the following, when I am high on a manic phase (I cycle rapidly, so it happened more than I like to think about, though with medication it hasn't happened this badly in a while) I did some things similar to this. Though it was never a relationship, per say. I would hook up with whomever I was with at the time, or sometimes I would take off and end up in another state and hook up there. Not my proudest moments when I was normal again. At the time, though, it always seemed like a great idea. When I was there, I felt invinciable, and that nothing I did was going to negatively affect anyone I was around, or myself. There are no concequences for my actions, and that everyone thinks they're okay. The medication and therapy have been a life saver for me, probably literally with all the risks I had been taking, and my severe depressive episodes. That's sort of what it looks like from the inside when you're up though.

10/07/2007 08:29 AM

I wasted so much of my early adulthood engaging in promiscuous behavior. It's often difficult to explain what it's like when you're in that state of mind to people who have never dabbled with addictions or bipolar disorder. Although I have never had a substance abuse problem, per se...that raw NEED for that fix, I think is very similar. When you are right there in that moment, nothing else matters. Addicts don't pause to question to consequences of what their next fix is going to cost them. Just like I never once questioned what my indescretions would cost me. I just knew I wanted it, had to have it, period. I didn't care of what it would do to me emotionally, physically, morally....or what impact it would have on my loved ones. Promescuity is a wacky form of self-medication as well, though. It's this quick fix, a euphoria. But it's also degrading, and shameful. I know personally, I used it to sabotage some really good relationships when they were going TOO well. If that makes any sense at all?! *I* wanted to be the one to wreck the relationship. I wanted to be the one to impose the level of hurt, before they could hurt me.

Of course, I never realized a shred of any of this when it was happening. These have only been some really recent revelations since being properly diagnosed over the last few years and getting properly medicated. Therapy has also been HUGE in my self awareness as well.

10/07/2007 01:42 PM
Posts: 14

I agree, therapy, even more so than the medication, helped me in ways I never imagined possible. Since I moved, I havn't gotten a new therapist, though I may ask my psych to set me up with one here, it's been kind of rough since I moved.

The one thing I didn't address in my other post was your question about remorse, clc. After I came down, if I remembered exactly what happened, which wasn't always, I usually felt a little bad atleast, especially if I hurt someone in the process. At the time, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Especially when I was depressed, it wasn't usually thoughts of how bad my life was, it was how bad I was making everyone else's life.

10/07/2007 02:06 PM
Posts: 4

No remorse ANY behavior is so common for bipolar. You think it, you feel it, you do it...about 1.5 seconds of thought go into an action. Consequences aren't even thought of.

My son has been on bipolar medicine for 2 years and he still doesn't have any remorse for bad behavior...

I don't know how one would remedy this...

10/07/2007 02:11 PM

Unfortunately my ex cylces over a period of months. It is possible that she may not "come down" until this next spring although I expect it by Christmas. Her actions have crushed her son who has refused along with my self to even see her at Christmas. The divorce will be final by then. I have decided not to wait for her. Due to the fact that she wanted no visitation rights as long as she pays no child support then I am under no obligation to give her any contact info. At this time I do not intend to leave her that information. My son can call his grandmother if he decide to speak to her. I do not expect he will. When we leave we will for all intents and purposes disappear. Unless my daughter gives her mother that info but I dont think she will. I am tired of being the one who has to pick up the peices to put our lives back together after she goes through a cycle. yeah i could keep doing it and I would if she would just TRY. It just that it is always about her as if she is the center of all existence. If she would simply admit she has a problem as try to get real help. My daughter told me the other day my wife now has a new "friend" named Aquarius in addition to her boyfriend. When she is like this gender is not an issue when it comes to getting in her bed. Yeah I still want her home but my heart can take only so much.

10/07/2007 02:42 PM
Posts: 62

Manic episodes often are accompanied by hypersexuality. I experienced this a lot over the years of no meds. Lucily I was married and my husband was willing to comply.

10/07/2007 04:06 PM
Posts: 681

Sad to say it is true with me. I was hypersexual during my manic stages. It got worse and worse. During my marriage I tried not to stray, but my mind would take me there anyway, so thereby in Christian theology, already committing adultery in my heart.

In all the years of marriage I can say I only was physically adulterous once and it was during a great big old nasty manic episode while I was away from home for several months. I did not have the familiar home things to distract and help me avoid this later shameful episode.

When we begin to realize the mania takes the person over and that person is not their normal self it is the bipolar caused by a chemical change in the brain.

When this chemical balance is returned by medication or self-medication, the person begins to return to 'normal'. After many years without the stabilizing effects of medication the brain is damaged and will not return easily to its proper functions. Some are damaged for life and will only marginally respond to medication at this time.

It is imperative that the bipolar get on their meds and never, ever stop unless it is with the pdoc's recommendation. Sometimes, the bp will 'feel' like they are doing better and often this is the fatal mistake for all relationships, they stop their medication.

In PTSD there are findings that the brain is shocked into not being able to produce the proper chemicals for brain synapse. When the PTSD is treated with counseling to alleviate the guilt and pain and medication is administered, the PTSD patient begins to recover. Depending on the severity of the trauma and length of time involved in the situation and time elapsed since the abuse, the brain may or may not be able to produce the chemicals on its own once again. In my case the trauma was so severe, lasted for years, and was untreated until my middle age that my brain can no longer produce the chemicals (hormones they say) to properly function. The prognosis is that I will probably be on stabilizing medications until I die.

Again, I say, it is imperative the bp gets and stays on the drugs which stabilize them. Then, they can work on relationships in counseling with forgiveness, and hope.

The bp person 'seems' coherent and capable of making decisions when they are in an episode, but all the s/o's know they are not really the same person. It is like a demon is taking them over. Sometimes unknown to the bp themselves, the situations occur and they are then left with the results of the manic actions. They are not themselves at all.

If the bp is not taking their medication, you might as well throw all your money, yourself, and any hopes for a real relationship out the window. You will be miserable for the rest of your life if you stay in that warped reality the bp weaves.

I know this sounds hard, but I'm sure most here, bps and so's will agree.

I'm sending Love, Peace, and Hope to you. Take care of yourself and live a good life whether or not it is with the bp in your life now.



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