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pauleromulus Posts: 174
Member
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My husband and I can稚 keep it together anymore. We have 7 kids in total, only 4 leaves at home. I知 bipolar and I know that my husband has some type of mental disorder but has never been diagnose. He agrees with me but wont go to any pdoc. He痴 just so angry at me. I just cant get of the bed for a long period of time. Can稚 keep a job, can稚 stay in school and the house is a mess. He looks at me as if I was something disgusting, as if he hates me, he snaps at me for every little thing and I snap back. He tells me that I知 a quitter, I知 31 and have not done shit with my life, that I can稚 get and can稚 keep a job or stay in school. He makes me feel like a total loser, he looks at me as if I was a total loser. I feel so bad about myself. I知 a warrior, yes I am indeed
I知 a warrior and I wont be beat
My soul is brave and my spirit is strong
If I trust in God & myself nothing can go wrong
If I can稚 at least I must try
I must fight and I must not die
Senses of loneliness and senses of fear
I must vanish and they will disappear
And when I fall I must stand up
Cause there is no sense in giving up
My will is not shaky it痴 full of power
I must be strong even in my darkest hour
I知 a rock in the midst of a storm
And the warrior in me fights on
I知 a warrior and I will not be broken
I must hear these words once spoken
Life is not easy and can be hard
But I engage and I play my card
From the deck that life deals me
I知 strong like the oldest tree
No winds can blow me away
My mind is strong and will not be sway
When my head is submerged under water
I値l emerge back up with so much desire
I知 a warrior and I have the proper attire
My heart, my soul, my spirit and they will never retire
I知 a warrior yes I知 indeed
Like I said I will not be beat
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uppitywoman Posts: 42362
Group Leader
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I am very sorry to hear that. It's hard to maintain relationships sometimes with bipolar or depression, but it can be done. Many are in committed relationships. It really sounds like you husband could benefit from getting diagnosed and treated for whatever he has. From his end, that would help the relationship immensely. Try to convince of this point. You would do well to talk with your pdoc about your current treatment, too. A med adjustment would help your depression, even if it is being triggered by circumstances. What would really help you both is marital counseling. It just might be that a counselor could also point out the his need in this case. I hope that this will all work out for you and you husband and that the current strain will subside. We are here to support one another and I am sure that others will post here as well with other suggestions on how to help in this situation. With God, all things are possible
My blog:
http://uppitywomantwo.blogspot.com
Bipolar I
10mg Abilify--400mg Lamictal-90mg Cymbalta--25mg Ambien CR--200mg Topomax--30mg Temazapam--1mg Ativan as needed.
Please note that I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. My opinions are personal only. This site is not intended to be a substitution for professional care, nor is anyone here qualified to make diagnoses. |
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Dit Posts: 12083
Group Leader
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Hello pauleromulus, i too am very sorry about your circumstances with your marriage. Your husband obviously does not understand about bipolar and the depression that goes with it. With him and you arguing so much is to most definately "trigger" you into this depression you are in. As uppity already said, contact your pdoc (psyciatrist) and let him know everything thats happening to you. I have a lot of days where i'm depressed and in and out of bed too (and house being a mess). My husband & i have gone to marriage councilling more than a one time thing and this has helped us out tremendously, one session resulted in my hubby quitting drinking (9 yrs ago today). When we got married i made him promise to agree to marriage councilling should we need it further down the road. You express you "have not done shit" with your life, well you definately have, you've given birth to 7 children and thats A LOT to contribute to life, you are living the most important profession a women can live and that's to "be a mother" and don't forget that. You do need to be healthy too and it is possible with extra treatments as advised already. Depression is so hard and i'm on good meds that i tend to get out of it pretty fast and in lasts periodically for 2-4 days. If it lasted more than 2 wks that's when i seek further treatment from pdoc/therapist. Post edited by: Dit, at: 10/05/2009 06:50 AM Be Still and Know That I Am - Scripture
12-Step Slogans - One Day/Moment at a Time/Just for Today/Let Go & Let God/But By the Grace of God
Live and Let Live/Easy Does It/This Too Shall Pass
"Don't be afraid to cry. It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts." - Hopi tribe
Bipolar I
Lithium 300 mgs, Lamotrigine 200 mgs, Klonopon (Clonazepam) .05mg more if needed, Clomipramine (Anafranil) 25 mgs, Abilify 5 mgs, Seroquel 25 mgs
Please note that I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. My opinions are personal only. This site is not intended to be a substitution for professional care, nor is anyone here qualified to make diagnoses. |
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pauleromulus Posts: 174
Member
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I知 so confuse, I知 afraid that it might be my brain telling me the wrong things; but I think I need to get away from him. I would like marriage counseling but our insurance doesn't cover it. I feel like his words are so toxic. But afraid, he tells me that I知 so fucked up in the head that I won稚 be able to make it alone. That I値l fall apart and be worst off then I知 already. And I don稚 realize how lucky. I知 that he cares about me and that no one else would put up with that mess. But the way he looks at me, constantly screaming and pointing out my failures hurts. I was fine this morning until he started screaming again and now I can稚 stop crying, feeling like shit and wishing I was dead. I have a class at 11am and now I cant get my self to go and if I do go is like I知 not even there cause I can稚 concentrate. I know he is going to be upset or throw it in my face at a later time. I can稚 stop crying He says that none of it is real. My pdoc tells me not to listen to him and that the relationship is toxic and not helping my disorder. He also say that my husband should also get some help cause its obvious he might also have some issues. That But he tells me that the pdoc only seas me once a week and don't leave with me and don't know the real me that he has to put up with. He also smoke a lot of MJ. What if I知 really crazy and when some one really get to know me, they値l go away. We致e been together for 10 years, but married and leaving together for 6 years and I think I got worst since then. I don't think he is helping my situation and I think i should leave him, but what if I知 wrong. Don't want to end up like my mother and he tells me that often. That my family are all crazy and I think they are, maybe that痴 why I ended up like that. I知 a warrior, yes I am indeed
I知 a warrior and I wont be beat
My soul is brave and my spirit is strong
If I trust in God & myself nothing can go wrong
If I can稚 at least I must try
I must fight and I must not die
Senses of loneliness and senses of fear
I must vanish and they will disappear
And when I fall I must stand up
Cause there is no sense in giving up
My will is not shaky it痴 full of power
I must be strong even in my darkest hour
I知 a rock in the midst of a storm
And the warrior in me fights on
I知 a warrior and I will not be broken
I must hear these words once spoken
Life is not easy and can be hard
But I engage and I play my card
From the deck that life deals me
I知 strong like the oldest tree
No winds can blow me away
My mind is strong and will not be sway
When my head is submerged under water
I値l emerge back up with so much desire
I知 a warrior and I have the proper attire
My heart, my soul, my spirit and they will never retire
I知 a warrior yes I知 indeed
Like I said I will not be beat |
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Dit Posts: 12083
Group Leader
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The confusion you are experiencing is understandable under your circumstances. I'm glad to hear you see your pdoc weekly. You mentioned your husband uses marjuana...that's a mood alterating drug and your husband probably depends on it. Your pdoc is right, sounds like your relationship is toxic, he's verbally abusive; your pdoc says to just ignore him but thats hard to do when he yells at your. You mentioned you don't have the $ for marr. councilng, thats understandable, maybe your pdoc can refer you to a free therapist/psycologist to get further help on what steps you need to take in order for you to get better. Only you can make the decision whether or not you wish to stay with him. Be Still and Know That I Am - Scripture
12-Step Slogans - One Day/Moment at a Time/Just for Today/Let Go & Let God/But By the Grace of God
Live and Let Live/Easy Does It/This Too Shall Pass
"Don't be afraid to cry. It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts." - Hopi tribe
Bipolar I
Lithium 300 mgs, Lamotrigine 200 mgs, Klonopon (Clonazepam) .05mg more if needed, Clomipramine (Anafranil) 25 mgs, Abilify 5 mgs, Seroquel 25 mgs
Please note that I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. My opinions are personal only. This site is not intended to be a substitution for professional care, nor is anyone here qualified to make diagnoses. |
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pauleromulus Posts: 174
Member
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Thank you very much to all of you. I'm feeling better for now. One of the members in another group say something that registered and got me thinking that maybe is not me. His ex-wife had accused him of being mentally and verbally abusive and left him and they had 3 kids together. Maybe is him that can稚 see it. What I should do is exactly what I致e been telling him we should do. Not to get a divorce, to get sometime apart to try to fix what痴 wrong. He doesn稚 want to do it. He is 18 years older than me and his parents are still married. He says he knows what his doing, to trust him and every thing will be fine. But its just been getting worst with time. The house is mine and paid for and I get some government help, I think I could make it on my own. Thank you again. Paule I知 a warrior, yes I am indeed
I知 a warrior and I wont be beat
My soul is brave and my spirit is strong
If I trust in God & myself nothing can go wrong
If I can稚 at least I must try
I must fight and I must not die
Senses of loneliness and senses of fear
I must vanish and they will disappear
And when I fall I must stand up
Cause there is no sense in giving up
My will is not shaky it痴 full of power
I must be strong even in my darkest hour
I知 a rock in the midst of a storm
And the warrior in me fights on
I知 a warrior and I will not be broken
I must hear these words once spoken
Life is not easy and can be hard
But I engage and I play my card
From the deck that life deals me
I知 strong like the oldest tree
No winds can blow me away
My mind is strong and will not be sway
When my head is submerged under water
I値l emerge back up with so much desire
I知 a warrior and I have the proper attire
My heart, my soul, my spirit and they will never retire
I知 a warrior yes I知 indeed
Like I said I will not be beat |
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Dit Posts: 12083
Group Leader
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I hope you did not get the impression that i thought it was you who needed help and not your husband. The councilling i suggested for you to inquire about was to help you in dealing with your difficult husband's behavior, which is definately abuse. I'm glad you received some insight and my wish for you is that you get well and stable. Please keep posting we are all here for you and we care. Be Still and Know That I Am - Scripture
12-Step Slogans - One Day/Moment at a Time/Just for Today/Let Go & Let God/But By the Grace of God
Live and Let Live/Easy Does It/This Too Shall Pass
"Don't be afraid to cry. It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts." - Hopi tribe
Bipolar I
Lithium 300 mgs, Lamotrigine 200 mgs, Klonopon (Clonazepam) .05mg more if needed, Clomipramine (Anafranil) 25 mgs, Abilify 5 mgs, Seroquel 25 mgs
Please note that I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. My opinions are personal only. This site is not intended to be a substitution for professional care, nor is anyone here qualified to make diagnoses. |
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pauleromulus Posts: 174
Member
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Thank you very much. But i didn't get that impression from you. You have been helpful I知 a warrior, yes I am indeed
I知 a warrior and I wont be beat
My soul is brave and my spirit is strong
If I trust in God & myself nothing can go wrong
If I can稚 at least I must try
I must fight and I must not die
Senses of loneliness and senses of fear
I must vanish and they will disappear
And when I fall I must stand up
Cause there is no sense in giving up
My will is not shaky it痴 full of power
I must be strong even in my darkest hour
I知 a rock in the midst of a storm
And the warrior in me fights on
I知 a warrior and I will not be broken
I must hear these words once spoken
Life is not easy and can be hard
But I engage and I play my card
From the deck that life deals me
I知 strong like the oldest tree
No winds can blow me away
My mind is strong and will not be sway
When my head is submerged under water
I値l emerge back up with so much desire
I知 a warrior and I have the proper attire
My heart, my soul, my spirit and they will never retire
I知 a warrior yes I知 indeed
Like I said I will not be beat |
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pauleromulus Posts: 174
Member
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You have no idea how grateful I知 to have you all. I知 a warrior, yes I am indeed
I知 a warrior and I wont be beat
My soul is brave and my spirit is strong
If I trust in God & myself nothing can go wrong
If I can稚 at least I must try
I must fight and I must not die
Senses of loneliness and senses of fear
I must vanish and they will disappear
And when I fall I must stand up
Cause there is no sense in giving up
My will is not shaky it痴 full of power
I must be strong even in my darkest hour
I知 a rock in the midst of a storm
And the warrior in me fights on
I知 a warrior and I will not be broken
I must hear these words once spoken
Life is not easy and can be hard
But I engage and I play my card
From the deck that life deals me
I知 strong like the oldest tree
No winds can blow me away
My mind is strong and will not be sway
When my head is submerged under water
I値l emerge back up with so much desire
I知 a warrior and I have the proper attire
My heart, my soul, my spirit and they will never retire
I知 a warrior yes I知 indeed
Like I said I will not be beat |
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pauleromulus Posts: 174
Member
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I have never felt so supported in my life. My family doesn稚 believe in mental illness and say that its just an excuse for people to be stupid. When I was 15 I attempted suicide and ended up in the and that痴 when I was first diagnose. My mother told me that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was a bad kid, that I was making shit up and I could fool the pdoc but not her. I blamed my self for every thing that went, always felt that there was something wrong with me and that I was just damaged good. Thank you very much. You have no idea how grateful and appreciative I知 to have all of you and your support. I知 a warrior, yes I am indeed
I知 a warrior and I wont be beat
My soul is brave and my spirit is strong
If I trust in God & myself nothing can go wrong
If I can稚 at least I must try
I must fight and I must not die
Senses of loneliness and senses of fear
I must vanish and they will disappear
And when I fall I must stand up
Cause there is no sense in giving up
My will is not shaky it痴 full of power
I must be strong even in my darkest hour
I知 a rock in the midst of a storm
And the warrior in me fights on
I知 a warrior and I will not be broken
I must hear these words once spoken
Life is not easy and can be hard
But I engage and I play my card
From the deck that life deals me
I知 strong like the oldest tree
No winds can blow me away
My mind is strong and will not be sway
When my head is submerged under water
I値l emerge back up with so much desire
I知 a warrior and I have the proper attire
My heart, my soul, my spirit and they will never retire
I知 a warrior yes I知 indeed
Like I said I will not be beat |
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