Im so emotional i dont know what to do.

My fiance didn't understand at first, either, but, when, I got really bad, he finally was convinced, and grateful, I was on meds.

I had to realize, that he would rather have me sane, and alive, than dead. So, I ignored him, and continued to get help. It had to be for me, and my kids. He was complaining about my behavior so much, but, wasn't happy when, I sought help. It didn't make sense.

The other thing that was happening was, that when I got help, I got healthy, and he was used to me being sick. When, I wasn't behaving the way I used to, he couldn't blame me for everything anymore.He had to look at himself. I wasn't so dependent on him. I was taking care of me. Put your mental health first. You can't be available for anyone as long as your illness is in the way. If he isn't willing to try to understand, he doesn't realize how important this is to your relationship. Love is about caring about the other person's health and happiness.

I have episodes, once in a while, and What has helped me is meds, and therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy.

I can actually see the symptoms build up. I get a gnawing in my gut, and get agitated, and will fixate on something, and snap. I shift in to anger, and rage. I can feel it coming on, and most of the time, I can catch it before, I escalate. It is awareness. I immediately leave the situation, or just sit, and breath. it's like a rolling sensation.

I don't talk to anyone while, I am doing this. I feel my body tightening up, and then it finally releases. It is such a relief when it's over. In the peak of it, I am paranoid, and dillusional.

I have learned to stay clear of my fiance, or, I will try to blame it on something he is doing. I get very desperate, and feel afraid.

If , I go into a horrible episode, i will lose control, and it is horrible. I feel embarrassed, and drop into a depression. I am gone, and can't calm down. It helps to keep a mood journal, and find out what your triggers are. My pdoc has adjusted my meds, and that has helped alot. He has also given me Zyprexa so, I can take it when, I am feeling like, I am going to have an episode. It takes practice.

I do wish hollywood would stop portraying all of us as murders though!