Wife wants a divorce, again!

I have to ask also, my wife has used everything I have ever told in a very ugly way. From things that have happened to me to things I'm insecure about. I feel like I can't tell her anything sometimes because I know she will use it against me, when ever she's angry. Maybe I'm screwed up! Anyways does any one ever feel the same way about not being able to tell there spouse everything. I'm not saying keeping things from them but personal things out of fear of having it thrown back at you.

Glad to hear she has never gotten physical with the children. Whether she will or not in the future is a call you're gonna have to make. I like that you deflect her anger away from the kids to you. You can handle it better.

I gave musicmom some advise on a communication technique I read about that you might find helpful. I'll cut and past it:

What I was going to tell you about was a technique for communicating that I learned from a book my brother-in-law gave me when Karen was manic. It is called Friends and Family Bipolar Survival Guide. In it they describe a technique called SET Communication. (Support, Empathy, Truth). I found a lot of success using it when Karen became angry or confrotational. Here is an example from the book:

Non-bipolar: "Honey, have you taken your medication today?"

Bi-polar: (yelling) "I hate it when you ask me that, don't ever ask me that again!"

Non-bipolar: "I understand that you feel this way. (support) It must make you angry. (empathy) But you have forgotten to take your medication several times before, and you went into crisis. (truth) Is ther anything I can do to remind you without making you angry?"

I found that it worked pretty well with my wife (and could probably work with any angry person, BP or not).

When my wife was manic, she went from loving me to hating me. I believed the love side. I told myself that I wouldn't believe that she hated me and wanted to divorse me until I heard it from her when she was stable. Now that she is stable, I have been proven right. It's up to you what to believe of what your wife tells you.

Anyway, although it may seem hopeless at times, keep the faith. There are people on this site who have successful relationships with BPSO's. I'm one of them.

Paul

I can relate to what's going on in your relationship so much. I didn't take my illness out on my kids. My fiance and I used to fight all the time. He got physical once, and the other times just lost it. We would yell,and say horrible things to eachother.3 years ago when, I was pregnant he cornered me, and got physical. The cops were called, and he went to jail. He had to go to anger management, and I did some work on myself. I had to look at my part, and found, I was very codependent. I have bipolar, too, but, wasn't willing to get help. This didn't help the situation.

The point is, that it takes two to fight, and neither of us had tools to deal with this illness. So, he ended up getting help,and had to go to classes for almost 2 yrs. In the meantime, he started recovering, and stopped doing what he was doing. But, I was left with me. I had been focussing on him for so long, that one, my kids were losing out, and 2,I finally saw my life flash before me. My kids were watching us fight, and be cruel. They were scared, and were learning from our behavior. After a while we had to take a break for a while. He worked on himself, and I continued to get help for my codependency. We got back together after setting boundaries, and agreeing to work on our own issues, so, we could have a healthy relationship. So, he stopped his behavior. Since, he wasn't the focus anymore, I finally saw me. I still had issues with my anger, and would try to pull him into the dynamic. It was familiar. I finally decided to go to counseling. I put my kids in therapy, too. It had been a rough 3 yrs, and we needed to recover.

This is when, I was diagnosed. So, he now has tools, and I have been on meds for 1 yr, and am continuing therapy for bipolar, and am working through my past issues with my family, and my relationships.

Amazingly 2 of my kids are fine. My oldest has bipolar, also, so he is also needing long term help. Now all of us are doing so much better. We haven't faught as much. I am not perfect. I have had a few episodes, but, it hasn't been as bad as it was.

I used to try to kick him out all the time. I have accused him of stuff. I have bipolar 1, with psychotic features, so, I would get dillusional, and paranoid. I have not been medicated the whole 5 yrs we have been together. I had a baby 2 1/2 yrs ago, and I am nuts when, I am pregnant.

The point is, that there is hope. Pregnancy is tough. It might be good for you to find a support group for spouses of bipolars, or go get counseling. It will help you have a place to go for you. It's confidential, and a place where you can go to vent.

This situation is getting dangerous. Physical violence is not okay.

When my fiance, and I get to the point of being abusive or pushing buttons, one of us leaves. There has to be ground rules.

You could also go to couples counseling.

My therapist says everyone argues, but, you have to learn to fight fair, and it needs to be productive. What you are doing is retaliating, and then being a victim. When she is in an episode, it doesn't work to argue with her or fight back. My fiance has tried this, and it doesn't work. It just feeds her illness. You become the focus. My fiance, now doesn't react, and will back off, and walk away. If you need to take the kids, and tell her you will be back when she calms down, than do it. My fiance has done this, too. He has locked me out, and at first, I would get really angry, but, now, I see it as a signal to stay outside, and calm down. Now, when, I feel a cycle coming on, I immediately walk away, and go outside, and sit until it is over.

It takes work to deal with this illness. It is a family illness.

There is hope here, but, you have to have an open mind, both people have to do the work.

It is admirable to hear there are still people that respect the sanctity of marriage. I was raised Catholic, so I understand where you are coming from there. But we are not talking about you thinking about leaving because you are no longer in love with your wife. We are talking about the safety of your children.

This has nothing to do with being selfish. In fact, taking the steps to protect them is probably one of the most unselfish things you could do. I understand that you see the good in her, and she has her sweet moments. But she has moments that she is acting like a complete monster. And not just being verbally abusive, (which by the way can be just as damaging to the kids) as well as physically.

I loved my ex husband very much, and he could be a wonderful person at times. But like your wife, his bipolar is not something he can control. Your wife cant control it. I thought if I stuck it out, and tried harder, I could make him happy. It had nothing to do with me, like her BP has nothing to do with you. I wanted to believe that I could make him love me all the time, and not be hateful, and the harder I tried, the more I lost. But again, and it took me a long time to see this, his BP had nothing to do with me. It was not my fault. I was not causing it. And I could not control it. Nunito, this has nothing to do with you, nor is it your fault.

You can try harder every day, and you will only succeed in beating yourself up. It will kill your self esteem. You have put up with much more than any person should ever have to. She needs help, and your babies need to be safe. Do you know what finally made me realize it was time to go? I found out he was leaving my babies (they were 3,1, and 3 months at the time) alone to take my son to school, because it was "so much work to pack them all up and get them in the car...." And he saw nothing wrong with it, they were only alone for ten minutes at a time. My good friend yelled at me till she was blue in the face. She told me that if child services got a hold of that, and I had knowledge this was going on, my babies will be taken from me. Wake-up call.

No one wants to believe that their marriage has failed, and maybe yours can be saved.....but right now, you and your babies have to be safe. Praying for you

I hope she gets help.....and sticks with it. I cannot say that I can comprehend in any way what it is like to be BP. So, its easy for me to say what one should do in that situation. But, I have heard from so many people on this site, that lead wonderful lives, and are in great relationships, and are BP. And hopefully, she will be the same way too, once she can stay on meds, and get into therapy.

But please, as we all have been telling Nunito too, do what you need to do to protect yourself and the children involved. Children should not have to witness behavior like that. Mine did, and I hate myself for putting them through that.

I thought, I am letting myself and my beautiful daughter get emotionally sick, so that hubby can continue on in his own little mental illness world, that he denies exists.

I had to get divorced because he wouldn't get help.

Maybe you could have a tape recorder recording her tirades, and let her hear it back when you are at the doctors office with her.

You could go for a consultation with an attorney, you don't have to initiate anything, find one of offering a free or very low cost consultation.. at least you would know where you stood legally in your particular state as the laws seem to differ from state to state.

Good luck to you all.