MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
05/01/2008 02:28 PM

Discovered another problem...

SarahJayBird
SarahJayBird  
Posts: 30
Member

Shocked I've been away for a while, busy studying and things. But I have also been dealing with a really strange sensation again. I tend to be very needy of passion and romance since I have zero of these in my relationship. I have fallen into the trap of becoming fantasty-laced about particular men (and women)I meet who have dynamic or unusual personalities or connections to me. Over the years I have managed to keep things together and stay with Mike and the children for over15 years now. But recently I have bumped into an old school friend of over twenty years ago. A friend who I once felt a lot for, but never said anything at the time.

Problem is, he has just split from his wife and we both have recently realised we have a connection, that we both liked one another at school and the feeling hasn't gone away. Problem is, I am ridiculously romantic and way over the norm when it comes to expressing how I fel, and I have been very honest with thisold friend. I have warned him of my illness and my needyness which might amount to nothing in the end, but he is so incredibly genuine and kind and charming. He wants the chance for something together but not yet, maybe a few years down the line, which I agree with, but it's slow torure! He has small children which he's putting first and which I admire him for. Mine are slightly older, and I am still studying for my degree. It all makes sense to wait and take things very slowly and carefully, and not fall into the trap of an affair, but I seem hell bent on suffocating this lovely man with love before he's ready. I wonder if I am erotomanic rather than simply interested.

I can't tell anyone about this, and it's really getting to me. This guy is very busy at the moment and finds it hard to return emails, where as I want to send them everyday. I feel ridiculous, but I lost him first time around - I can't bare the thought of him slipping away again - especially now I know he feels the same way about me. It's good just to open up about it all.

Reply

05/01/2008 02:42 PM
norma
normaPosts: 10109
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Dear SarahJayBird...glad you shared what you are going through. I have fixated on people like that in the past and it never turned out well. Maybe you will have better luck with it than I did.

I learned that the thing that made me happiest was to focus all my attention on the person that I am with in the present. But, each person is different hope you can make this work for you.

Glad to hear from you...and hope school is going well..


05/01/2008 10:55 PM
Gypsy
Gypsy  
Posts: 1646
Senior Member

Hi Sarah,

Nice to see you again. I was wondering what happened to you.

I would cool your jets honey!! Respect yourself, and him. If you don't do the right thing it could be a disaster. You shouldn't have to chase a man.

You have a man right now, and should finish that one out before you start another relationship. And then, you both should take time to grieve over your ex spouses, or you will just bring all of you baggage into your new relationship, and sabatage it. A friend use to tell me, " Think it through." Always think it all out. I know you are excited. I would be too, but, there is the fantasy, and there is the reality.

Hang in there, and stick around.


05/02/2008 02:58 AM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

I tend to be very needy of passion and romance since I have zero of these in my relationship. I have fallen into the trap of becoming fantasty-laced about particular men (and women)I meet who have dynamic or unusual personalities or connections to me. Over the years I have managed to keep things together and stay with Mike and the children for over15 years now. But recently I have bumped into an old school friend of over twenty years ago. A friend who I once felt a lot for, but never said anything at the time.

Hi Sarah, good to see you around again, you said that you have managed to stay with Mike and the kids for over 15 years now, I have to wonder what is wrong with the relationship that you are in now, perhaps you have said in another post and I didn't see it or just don't remember, could it be your neediness or is it a dissatisfaction with the relationship you are in now, first most of all you should give yourself time and give him time, as he might be in a rebound mode after the split from his wife..


05/02/2008 08:41 AM
Franniemarie
Franniemarie  
Posts: 17
Member

The new guy is just that new and exciting. It gives you a little thrill and excitment and God knows, with bipolars there are probably more down than up, so when an up moment comes, you want to make it last.

My husband is the most non-romatic person that ever walked the face of this earth and I yearn for it. I reconnected with a high school boyfriend and started have thoughts and dreams, but my husband was lacking romance when I married him and so I knew who he was.

Unless there is a reason, that you did not mention, after 15 years, your husband and children deserve the energy you are putting into the new guy. But if your decision is to walk away, I agree with the other person, you have to finish this current relationship before you begin again. Just sit back and think if you are liking the excitment or if this is truely something.


05/02/2008 09:03 AM
SarahJayBird
SarahJayBird  
Posts: 30
Member

Thanks you guys - this is all good advice and believe me it's the kind of advice I keep giving myself. My current partner is really a good man and the lack of real soul-mate love is not down to him being unromantic really - that's me being unfair to him. We just aren't suited anymore. Even at the beginning there were signs that it was wrong, and we've split at least five times over the years, but he really loves me and gives me tremendous security - and as you all know, there are times us lot need that more than anything. But it's not love. It's functional, it's bareable, until I met this old school friend. I realise it may just be the excitement thing, and I have actualy written to him and told him that I am going to back right off because throwing affection at him is not dignified or working!

I have changed so much in the last 20 years. That's the main problem now with the current partner. And I am suffering depression constantly even under the smiles because I know I'm living a big lie - it's like I'm living someone else's life for them. The only real focus is our lovely children of 13 and 8. For them I would do what is right, but what is that right now? To 'stay put and put up' and my Mum would say!


05/02/2008 10:51 AM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

Sarah, relationships can go south, turn sour over time, but right now before even considering another relationship, you need to do a lot of work on yourself, you said that you have separated over the past years, what was it that brought you back? what was it that made you fall in love with him in the first place?

The soul mate stuff is seriously over rated, it's the stuff of romance novels, while I am not saying it doesn't exist, we tend to believe that the right person is just around the corner, often missing what is right under our very noses, your depression needs to be addressed with your doctor, what do you believe your partner is doing that you think could be causing your depression? when we have lived with someone a long time, we start to take them for granted, like the old comfortable pair of slippers, sometimes we do grow up and grow apart, but this is no reason to go running off with the first person who tickles your libido, the excitement of that dies off after the first year or two, and you find yourself right back where you started, bored and discontent..

Try some counseling for yourself, get the right meds to help with the depression and then try some marriage counseling to see where the problem really lays...

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved