Bipolar Support Group

For the past 2 months, i've been experiancing racing thoughts about having a baby and moving out with him. I've only been with my bf for 4 mths and i'm freaked out by my thoughts. I have been having panic attacks as well as aniexty attacks and im functioning but i'm not ready for a child. i dream about it though every nite. I love children, I baby sit my nephews and i have a son. i feel like its not enough. I was put on 100mgs on Monday. I hope that helps b/c my mind wont shut up and i feel like i'm crazy when i'm not. I feel like there is two people inside me,no voices. I just have this part of me who is wild, impulsive and a teenager. Then this older mature adult who has open communication. Can mantain a relationship. I feel like my mind is messing up my relationship. My bf, bless him, he has dealt with my bs for the past 4 mths and he said he's emotionally and physically there for me. I am greatful to have him. He isn't ready for a baby as well. But i need to talk about it. Especially when i know people are having a baby or had a baby. i get upset.

My house has been chaotic. My sister is the cause of it. She's moved home 7 mths now, shes bossy, she never is home always out even after college. She thinks shes 18 again. She's driving me crazy. She is constantly calling me names. She makes me watch her kids and take care of them, when i've been taking care of them all day while she's in school. she'll come home and do nothing. her kids cry for her, she'll be like i'm doing homework. she'll tell them to shut up and she'll ignore them. i can't stand it. unfortunately i cannot move out. i don't have the money to. so i am in my apt alot away from the bs. i just walk downstairs b/c theres my parents in the house, so im not all alone at times i am. i need my space or i'll go insane. I wish that i could just disappear for a few days. But my son's in school. That will only help for a few days. I guess me complaining aint going to solve anything. it's hopeless. i'm just going to not care. Plus my parents are putting up the house for sale soon and im sad. Why can't we stay. I am sad they don't have enough to live here. theres nothing i could do. just having a deep thought morning...its getting fall weather in ny, i am trying to go to the lib, back to the gym. keep myself busy. i enjoy babysitting them, b/c i get 200 dollars a mth to save. but that should be the end, not everyday i get home on my off days. ugh..i am had it..

Post edited by: reena110282, at: 09/16/2009 06:12 AM

Reena, I'm sorry things are so chaotic in your home. It sounds like your sister does indeed stir things up and that's got to make it harder for you to handle your illness. You said you started 100 mg, but you did not mention what the medication was. Just curious.

I also know what it feels like to want another baby, but just like you, the added stress would have done me in. It would be unwise, as you seem to know, to have another child at this time in your life. You have enough stress in mothering one, and no matter how wonderful he may be, it's still a very demanding thing.

This racing thinking sounds manic to me. I call it bumper car brain because my thoughts will crash into one another out of control when I get manic. I do share them, just as you are here, so I can get the stabilizing input I need so I will not act on them. Whatever you have begun taking I hope will help calm these thoughts for you. If not, be sure to communicate this to your pdoc so it can be adjusted or changed to help control this.

Post edited by: uppitywoman, at: 09/16/2009 06:33 AM

i was taking 75mgs of lamictal and now she highered me to 100mgs, due to my manic behavior of racing thoughts& impulsive behaviors.

I know that i can't have a child right now, it's stressful in my house. I wouldn't want to bring another child into this chaotic situation. I'm just being clucky. I can't help it. My son's 5 1/2 yrs old and all my mommy friends just had babies amnd i'm jealous. I watch my nephew mikey sometimes a day extra to stop thinking about it. I babysit him 2 a week. I feel with more experiance then when i'm ready for a child, I'll have been more prepared. I've been taking care of all three, even with my mothers help, she can't hold mikey, she can't change him, she can feed him, if i put him in the high chair. she can't bathe him either. my nephew whos older the 2nd child showers. my sister wont give her kids a bath and she left my brother with his gf's son and her two children to go to a bar with his gf. I was shocked that my brother would say yes. Me and my bf helped him till 8:50pm, my sis& his gf happened to come home. so it was good.The other day she failed her road test, walked out while my friend was babysitting and she left at 4:30 and i wasn't going to watch them till 8pm . so i went downstairs, my son seldomly comes down here, he sleeps down here but if its a sat he wakes up at 8am, b/c of getting up early for school.

I try to not get overwhelmed. I need to go back to the gym its been a mth. I gained 15 lbs. Not happy about it. Especially since lamictal doesn't cause weight gain. i'm eating late at nite like 11-1am and getting sick to my stomach. I've been feeling depressed. I can't sleep i have insomnia. I get so bored i hate just sitting doing nothing. I listen to music, it calms me as well as just reading a book. I wish i was in college. I wish i had a babysitting job or just a job for that matter, but i'm scared that i will get fired, laid off, not make enough to pay 700 to my mother every month if i had a on the books job. i get 200 a mth to babysit my nephew.i need to go out with him. get fresh aior. but honestly im too depressed to go out honestly. so i sit home and bitch& complain. Also i worry about Not want to go to work and feelin depressed b/c i just can't deal with everything. i can't even have time to just take a break from everything for a few weeks since my sons in school. sometimes i feel like i'm trapped and forced to do things i don't want to do b/c i need the money, so i babysit, i need to relax. my brain wont let me, its like a roller coaster up and down. venting helps. i don't look for advice. i like to just talk about whats going on or i'll just start punching walls, crying, screaming and throw things. i am holding my anger in. i was so close to a break down before i met my bf. i just feel like he's going to not be able to handle my bipolar. it scares me i'm trying to control it. the best i can and i'm doing it for our relationship. its so hard to stay controlled. sometimes i just want to lose it all and just say fuck it. but theres so much responsibility i have. i'm a great mom. i just wish that i would get to do something that made me happy. my own independence. my own apt with housing assistance, a part time job. my son happy with school. everything working out for me. sometimes i feel like things are not getting better but worse and im miserable.

i noticed with all the meds you take, how many days do you have happy days, what triggers you, i am curious, i know everyone is different but i'd like to get to know you. i don't have many friends. thank you for being there. its a start of a new friendship. thats important to me.

also i lost my couslor, she moved to a new clinic. I've been on 8 different meds. I am had it of tryin new ones. i'm sensitive to meds so it is hard to see which one will work for me. I try to talk to my new counslor but shes not like my old one. she hasn't even read my chart. that pisses me off i might have to get a new one. but i've only seen her twice so i'm just going to rough it out.

Post edited by: reena110282, at: 09/17/2009 07:06 AM

I can see you are really struggling and with the chaos, I can certainly see why. For the most part, my days are good because I am stable, and that is what you to strive for with the help of medications. It may well be that you need more than just the Lamictal to achieve that.If you had the right meds to help you, you'd be better equipped to cope with all this.

It takes all the meds I am on to keep me stable, and to be honest, it took some trial and error to get to this place. It will be that way for you, too. I wish it weren't so, but that's pretty much everyone's experience. I think it is very important that you tell your pdoc that the Lamictal is not getting you there yet and ask about other meds to try. I understand that you are sensitive to many meds, I am, too, but don't give up hope. There are so many available. Tell your pdoc how depressed you are.

I am sorry about your counselor situation. Hopefully, it will improve.